April 12, 2017 at 4:36 pm #41174
This discussion was originally started by user Linbeau86 in ADDitude’s now-retired community. The ADDitude editors have included it here to encourage more discussion.
Hi there. So my partner has been ADHD for years. He’s very intelligent and interesting and can be so funny and helps everyone out. We’ve only been together for 8 months but in that time we have had arguments almost daily unless I just never say a word. I feel I can never put my opinions forward as he tells me why I’m wrong and then shuts down. He’s totally not interested in a physical relationship. He won’t even kiss me! It hurts me deep down as he use to want that. Does anyone else have a partner that basically gives punishment? He’s told me he loves me but hasn’t told me in ages because I was texting a male friend of mine but he saw that as wrong as it was an ex partner so I lost a bit of his trust. He believes he says things out loud with planning daily activities but he sometimes does not and that causes arguments as he thinks I’m forgetting. I can’t talk to him as he will say “oh, what now?”. He’s dismissive, shouts at me and just generally ignores me. He has self-medicated for years now and drinks a lot. He says it calms him down. He can’t see that he hurts me when he is OK talking to a so-called female friend but punishes me for messaging a friend I just don’t no how to go about anything anymore and I’m half the person I used to be. I just want for us both to be happy. He mentions his exs all the time (most have cheated on him) and I have my own issues with cyclothymia and mood disorder. I feel like he’s controlling me. Can anyone give me some insight?
April 12, 2017 at 4:37 pm #41175
This reply was originally posted by user ADHDmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
It sounds like he is in a downward spiral and you are getting sucked in and taken on the frightening ride. Nothing will change unless he acknowledges his ADHD and gets treatment—not drugs and alcohol but real treatment.
I don’t usually comment on these discussions with the opinion that the non-ADHD partner should leave, but I really feel that way in your case. Go back and read what you posted. You are 110% miserable. And he doesn’t see that, or see how much he contributes to that. Why do you want to continue to live like that?
ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism
April 12, 2017 at 4:38 pm #41176
This reply was originally posted by user John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
If he is happy to go see a mediator with you, then there is a chance this can become better.
But if you have become diminished in your own eyes, it is not a good idea to stay.
April 12, 2017 at 4:44 pm #41178
This reply was originally posted by user bffj in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I am so sorry. I have been with with my add husband 18 years and two kids later. The ADHD only gets worse with time in my opinion, as adult responsibilities increase with kids and over time. You end up picking up the balls, being the financial provider, and doing well over half of all else. You cant rely on them for anything to get done consistently so you do it. The only consistency is that they are inconsistent. You get tired of feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and like you have a third dependent child to provide and care for that is your adult husband. You don’t feel like you have an equal adult responsible partner. That alone is tough.The daily morning and any and all other time bad moods, ups and downs, endless needless lash outs towards either you or later your sweet innocent kids, whom are way more than forgiving than me. The lash outs stimulate the add partner into feeling good again while you are constantly feeling their wreckage. However, you are the problem in their eyes, you are constantly blamed for the lash outs and all of their poor mean irritable behavior and decisions, actions or inactions always and forever. Oh and the “miscommunications ” too. They constantly misunderstood you or others; when they forget again to do something or the time of an event or make another mistake and ball drop. After all, they are the “victims”. They truly believe it is you; you are mean or too sensitive or the problem and source of the daily conflicts. When in actuality you are (on the rare occasions that you actually speak up for you or your kids and can’t grin and bear it) just reacting to their actions. It is crazy0making horrible and beyond depressing. Run for your life literally. They attach to you, become codependent and never will leave. After all, they have the life. You do 90% of providing, paying, planning, take them on vacations, pay the bills timely, and always pick up their messes.
My husband has lied over and over to cover mistakes, lost our kids health insurance, lied about demotions, you name it. He is in so much debt from unpaid bills that I had no idea about and failed to be able pay our mortgage to the point we would have lost the house had i not used my savings and money to pick up his failed obligations to pay. Now I financially separated us on all so my kids and house are protected from his debts , to the IRS included,. He finally gets a job and he works the minimum hours possible, not busting it al all, despite all of the financial disaster he created. Barely 9 to 4 and leaves a lot at lunch to shop or workout….
All the while, I am busting it at work daily weekly weekends, to support his failings and my increased resulting financial obligations, working hard all day and networking 1 to 3 or 4 nights a week, working a few hours most weekends, while he watches TV with my oldest son or hangs out.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Hope @ ADDitude.
May 10, 2017 at 2:51 pm #48267carlandreaParticipant
That is not ADHD. We do interrupt, but we don’t shut down others opinions. We do forget to text, but we don’t go years without it out of spite. Your partner is simply an a$$hole
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