June 28, 2020 at 12:48 am #177661
LONG POST IM REALLY SORRY!
I’ve tried to write this over the past few days but I can’t organise my emotions and thoughts to make sense and then I get overwhelmed and then I can’t remember what I feel, like just forget my brain is scrambled and I’m like “yeah nah I’m fine”. So anywho
I’ve convinced myself I have ADHD in my hypochondriac fashion but something about it feels so relatable to how I feel, I’ve never felt so sure of something but it could just be anxiety. I’m also in the process of getting evaluated for it (Yay! I actually did something) but I’m telling myself I’m being dramatic and talking myself out of going to a physiatrist. I can’t remember much of what I was like as a child or even a teenager (I’m only 21) my memory is very patchy but I was a good student in primary school but in high school I never tried to excel even though I wanted to and now I regret my school experience and wish I just applied myself, I feel so dumb for someone who has been told she is smart.
I feel a lot of the symptoms relate to how I feel daily but I feel like I’m not struggling enough for it to be ADHD. Mentally my brain is messy and I’ve always felt that, like I couldn’t organise my thoughts no matter how hard I tried. I have a fulltime job and I’ve moved out of home and I bought a car and I have a puppy but I feel so unhappy and stressed. (I’m rambling I apologise)
I was wondering if anyone felt any of these ways and could relate it to ADHD or if maybe it was just anxiety.
1. I’m bored easily. Like from anything. This could be from learning a song on piano or even to me just existing. I often feel like I want to be doing everything and anything but end up doing nothing. I get bored in my relationships and my jobs but I just suffer through it because having a fulltime job and a committed relationship is what everyone strives for so why am I so bored.
2. I feel lazy and messy but I’m not comfortable with it, mess and disorganisation gives me anxiety and makes me overwhelmed. I try to be organised like I once organised my makeup into tubs and right now it’s on a pile in the corner of my room because I couldn’t be bothered to do it even though I want to. I make goals for the month and complete none of them and all my clothes end up on the floor and not back on the hangers I bought. Co workers have also told me I have a messy workspace and that I’m a messy worker but I always thought it was just how I worked and it was the normal to me. Even organising my self for the day, I don’t wear nice clothes it’s just leggings and a jumper, even though I want to dress nice, but that could be self esteem issues I dunno.
3. This ones weird hopefully some of you can relate? I fidget even without realising but one thing I do that I’ve noticed as of lately is pull my hair out. Just the baby hairs around my hairline, when I’m driving or at work or watching a movie I find myself pulling out my hair, it’s like a satisfying thing. As a child I used to pull my eyelashes out for some reason and now I have a permanent bald spot on my eyelid. Does that count as fidgeting do you think or is that just weird.
4. I get really mad if someone is mad at me, instead of trying to be apologetic I get even more mad and I don’t mean it. I’m more passive aggressive though and often internalise everything. I am a people pleaser.
5. I’ve considered myself a good listener and I know a symptom do ADHD is that you don’t pay attention well in conversations but I have noticed that I don’t enjoy listening to my family and sometimes even my boyfriend I will be half listening while I’m looking at my phone or at something else. I also give very shit responses when people are talking like I’ll say “yeah” or “hm” while they are talking so they know I’m listening I guess, I’ve been told I seem disinterested while being talked to sometimes. I also feel obligated to make good small talk as to be normal when I’m very happy not talking unless it’s about conspiracy theories or things that I want to talk about ect.
6. Anything takes mental effort I just don’t want to do it pains me, like writing this post is painful right now my brain hurts 😩
Anyone else feel like this
June 28, 2020 at 3:08 pm #177689
Well done for sharing your experience here. It’s wonderful that you’re getting an evaluation so that you can find out for sure what’s going on.
ADHD isn’t a fixed picture, it’s a continuum and people sit in different places along the continuum in relation to different aspects of behaviour. Also, the ADHD picture can be different at different times for an individual.
While ADHD can be tricky at times, there’s so much we can do about it once we understand what’s happening. For example, the boredom feeling which can be really painful, as you say, is (as I understand it, and I’m not a physician), due to low dopamine levels in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. Because of that, we find ourselves feeling bored and lacking the motivation to do anything about it. A double-whammy that can leave us feeling a little stuck.
Good natural ways to give yourself a boost of your own neurochemicals such as dopamine are;
1. Go for a walk or a even better a run if you’re up for it
2. Listen to some music you like (and if you’re up for a little boogie in your own living-space, even better)
3. Do some mindfulness meditation e.g. so close your eyes and focus on your breath without altering the breath (even 5 minutes would help).
There is research that shows that these things work! Any one of these might help shift that boredom feeling (which will go away by itself anyway in time).
And, one of my favourite ways is having a cup of tea (I tend to drink black tea with milk, but green tea is great too). The caffeine and L-theanine in tea give me that boost that calms the boredom feeling.
Anyway, I hope this response is a useful in some way.
Take care of yourself.
June 28, 2020 at 5:45 pm #177700
Thank you both for your replies I appreciate it.
Claire, I did have a schedule of walking every morning, and running, for at least an hour and it did feel good and I enjoy my morning coffees, if I don’t have one I feel like my day will be a terrible one. Unfortunately I tend to fall out of routines and schedules I set myself, I might be great for a month or more and then I just stop and can’t start again. I’m in the process of trying to start going to the gym again but I am feeling defeated because getting out of bed in the morning is hard. I’ll have to give mindfulness a try as I have a problem with not being able to relax or wind down. Thank you 🙂
Shotty, I could potentially have hyperfocus but unsure of if I classify or not. I have a tendency to “binge” activities I enjoy. Video games have always been an a big one for me and I couldn’t just play them for an hour or so, I would always end up playing for hours on end. I once played a video game all day for I think 3 days in a row and only stopped to sleep, I ended up completing it. I’ve played video games most of my childhood too and I’m sure I’ve always binged them. Another thing is if I’m watching a show that i enjoy I will also watch it all day until I finish it. During high school I binged Game of Thrones for 4-5 days straight. All 4 season I finished in 4-5 days. I also play piano and I could spend a whole day learning a composition. I feel like I can’t have hobbies like this anymore because I don’t know how to do them for short periods of time and work them into my schedule when I would want to spend hours doing it. I just thought everyone did these things but maybe not? Thank you for your reply, hopefully I can get to the bottom of why I feel this way.
June 28, 2020 at 4:43 pm #177696
Speaking as someone who was diagnosed as an adult and has had a history of hypochondria for a variety mental health issues, your story sounds very similar to mine. I’m sure you consider yourself ‘smart but lazy.’ It sounds like you are recognizing some inattentive behaviors, and you are doing the right thing by seeking a professional opinion on the matter. Anxiety and ADHD can definitely co-exist. One thing I would be curious of is if you have experienced hyperfocus, both as a child and adult.
In the mean time some things you could try is setting up a schedule for yourself, as painful as it sounds, or having someone do that for you. Practice mindfulness, as a big part of working with ADHD is in understanding and acknowledging it. Stay active; exercise and working out is especially useful for fidgety people.
June 28, 2020 at 5:49 pm #177701
I replied but I don’t know if I did it correctly lol sorry. I also wanted to add to that social media is terrible I can spend hours on my phone and it gets in the way of my relationship because if I am with my boyfriend I’m usually on my phone for hours and I don’t seem to understand why he gets bored because I’m having a great time on social media
June 29, 2020 at 11:14 am #177750
ADHD looks quite different in females most of the time. This very well could be ADHD, or maybe not. THe only way to know is to have the evaluation.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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