ADHD fiance and sexting

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    • #123833

      i am so grateful to have found this forum. i have been with my ADHD fiance (probably now ex-fiance) for 10 years. i’m in my 50’s and he’s in his 60’s. we worked together and were always able to talk and considered ourselves friends. we knew each other for two years or so before we started ‘dating’. in the beginning, he would bring me little presents at work and leave cards for me for no reason. he would get me coffee and tell me how comfortable he was around me. i would stay overnight at his apartment and sometimes he would stay overnight at my place. we were together almost every night. when my mother passed away after about a year of us being together, we decided that we would move in together.
      he told me about his ADHD diagnosis, but i don’t remember how far into our relationship it was when he told me. he told me that he was on medication but that it had to be changed a number of times due to side effects. he is now on cymbalta 60mg. he starting seeing a counselor when his marital affair blew up in his face and he had a meltdown. that was when he was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD and that is when he began medication that a psychiatrist (not the counselor) prescribed.
      a few years after being together, i discovered that he had been texting the woman that he had an affair with when he was married. he texted her a lot. he texted her on christmas morning from the lobby of the hotel we were staying at while visiting my family. i thought everything was great between us, there was no indication that he felt anything other than committed to our relationship. he had already told me the whole story of the affair that he had but couldn’t tell me why he was still texting the person that supposedly ruined his life. he said that he wanted to ‘hurt her’ but i don’t see how texting her all the time would hurt her. he swore that none of the messages were about sex or romance, just bullshit. he also swore that he would never text her again.
      fast forward five or so years. he was texting another woman from work quite a bit and i discovered this one day (again around christmas time) when we were both using his phone for the day due to my phone being out of order from being dropped in water. i saw a text on his phone that said ‘thought we’d get a christmas kiss in’ and i was floored. i was so angry and i yelled and carried on while he sat on the bed looking like a little boy being chastised for breaking something. since i found this text right before we were leaving to go to a family dinner, we still went to the dinner where he had too much to drink and ended up announcing to his family that he hurt me, and he was going to make it up to me because i’m so wonderful, etc. etc. etc. his sister looked at me, with a ‘what the hell is going on’ look on her face and i just shook my head. the following week i texted his female work ‘friend’ from his phone and told her that she needed to stop texting him. she did not show up at work the next day and never came back to work after that.
      i’m an understanding person. i read a lot about ADHD and some of his behavior was exactly what was being described. his poor impulse control, inability to focus, short temper, irritability, immaturity, on and on. i thought that the more i knew about it, the better i could cope and help him with it too.
      three weeks ago he told me he had a counselor appointment out of the blue and i asked if everything was okay. he said yes, he just wanted to get a session to talk about general things. somehow my intuition told me something was wrong. when i checked the phone bill i found that he had been texting another female from work and he also had asked the customer support at the phone company if he could delete the texts between them, which they couldn’t do. i happened to recognize the phone number on the bill (it’s a different area code than ours)as being that of someone that we both know, and who has been ‘interested’ in him and openly flirted with him in the past. years ago, i had asked him to not be in touch with her because i wasn’t comfortable with it.
      anyway, when i confronted him about it he said he didn’t know why he texted her. he finally admitted that the texting contained comments about her ‘panties’ and things of that nature. he texted twice and they spoke on the phone once in the period of a week. in other words-sexting is what it sounds like to me. he said that he felt bad about it and that is why he had made an appointment three weeks ago to see his counselor because he knew it was wrong.
      he has been irritable, miserable, grumpy and so quick to anger lately (this is before the sexting incident) and it never occurred to me that the irritation and all was ADHD related. his doctor has since raised his dosage of cymbalta and that may help him to be calmer and less irritable. i had completely forgotten about ADHD and how it affected him in the past. it seems like he gets to the point where he’s out of control and gets his medication tweaked and then everything is okay for a while. his acting out or losing control of impulses seems to result in texting other women (for thrills or attention or validation or whatever).
      we have had good times and good memories together, and he is a good person. but i think he is just a shitty fiance/boyfriend/husband.
      our relationship can’t continue as far as i’m concerned, and i’m wondering if anyone else on this forum has had similar problems with their ADHD partner.
      it’s maddening that my ADHD fiance thinks female coworkers will provide him all the excitement, approval, validation, thrills, or whatever that he needs.
      am i the only one that something like this has happened to with an ADHD partner? Do people with ADHD really have impulse control that is that bad? many thanks for reading this really long post.

    • #124126

      I think your issues here are not about ADHD; they are about trust.

      Someone with a diagnosis of ADHD is not just an ‘ADHD Person’. The can (and will) present with other conditions or disorders that may also be complicating or even worse. I would say that depression and substance abuse are the main ones, but you can also have bi-polar depression and personality disorders too. People who have low self-esteem may be also looking for situations where they can get some validation of themselves, narcissistic people are always looking for people to find them attractive and worthy of love, sociopathic people have both poor impulse control and no feelings of remorse, the list goes on.

      I would not just take out one known and consider it the only factor involved. Maybe the slip-ups here are a way for you both to accept that there is a clear issue around communication and trust and confront that. I hope this does not sound to judgemental or harsh.

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