ADHD boyfriend hiding anxiety & abusing drug self destruction.

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    • #189657
      Le Petite Morte
      Participant

      My boyfriend has been ignoring me now for 2 months. We have been friends for over 15 years.
      He was diagnosed as a kid.
      Seemingly knows very little about it. Comes from a loving family ideal actually. Since his own family unit that’s he’s been in for 8 years broke down, he’s gone massively off the rails.

      He even said he didn’t believe in mental health prior to this experience. He has anxieties attacks, he tried to hurt himself in the past and will self medicate with weed, caffeine and when he’s in this headspace he can go on a Acid trips and all sorts. Then he crashes.

      He hides lots from his family. He not on any medication and doesn’t know how his ADD effects him. It’s now been 2 months, this has massively hurt me. But I’m at a point where he needs to get support, I’m not there to fix him and I can’t live in a relationship like this.

      It’s only the first year! He has perceived me as leaving 2 months ago early as rejection, he wasn’t listening to what I said. He will communicate to my housemate but not me.

      I think here there is a big difference here between rejection sensitivity disorder and a potential mood disorder. He acknowledges that he can go into these moods but there self destructive.

      I’m going to check on him after Christmas because of Covid it’s difficult to travel the 100 miles. If he fails to respond I’m going to have to contact his mom.

      What would you guys advise. It’s crazy he got a diagnois as a kid in the 90’s but doesn’t see how the trauma has effected him. He’s come from a loving home where he was supported. It’s just the relationship he parents house too was very unhealthy, I believe it’s caused so much damage.

      Advice please

    • #189790
      Kerplunk
      Participant

      Sorry to hear about your partners dilemma. Clearly he needs to stop the Acid asap but the tricky part here with anyone that self medicates, is that if it works at some level , why stop ? It’s better than facing anxiety alone. You basically need to get him down the Dr’s and onto other medication for anxiety/sleep etc…

      But how do you get him down there ? Can you influence others in the house ? Don’t try the “weed is bad for you” route, because it’s actually very effective at dealing with anxiety and other aspects of ADHD hence why it’s so popular within the community, so he won’t believe you.

      Acid on the other hand is very dangerous and can do permanent damage, but if he’s not seen that damage as yet… You just need to let him know there’s extra help from medication for anxiety/sleep etc… Could you stage an intervention with the help of others in the household ? Or if he has to go to the Dr for other reasons, come with him and mention it to the Dr ? They are nonjudgmental about weed, as they know a very high percentage of people with ADHD self medicate with it. In fairness weed has less side effects to some of the prescription drugs, so he may need to trial a few, so stopping weed only needs mentioning once he’s got a better solution. It’s all confidential and they probably won’t encourage him off straight away. If he comes off without an alterative, his anxiety may get worse, so that won’t convince him. Also even when he’s off and medicated, he still has ADHD to deal with, so it’s not a magical solution. But that’s a good first move, get him down the Dr, get him the right prescription medication then get him off the Acid, and finally the weed. Folk with ADHD respond well to reward, so could rewards be attached to going to the Dr ? Best of luck, also weed isn’t physically addictive so it’s not physically hard to stop, it’s the mental dependency that’s tough.

      • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Kerplunk.
      • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Kerplunk.
      • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Kerplunk.
    • #189846
      Le Petite Morte
      Participant

      Oh thank you so much for this feedback Kerplunk.

      Ok the weed thing, it’s really not an issue in the grand scheme of things. It’s just all day and the problem we have it’s not legal in the UK so your not essentially getting an informed choice like you so in the states. It’s usually just street brought.

      And yes I agree! It’s a magic one for Add/Hd just wish the culture would change in my country.

      The acid is something that’s done like maybe every few months. It tends to happen when he is down and wanting to escape.

      Like I said he knows very little about what his ADd means for him. Even though he got the label in the 90’s. He’s had horrible life events since leaving home with a toxic partner and it’s screwed up or brought out maybe the more negative sides of ADD.

      When I read about Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria on this site, that for example was a EUEka moment. I think even if he knew about this freebie that ADHD people get for free I am more than sure it would be a light bulb moment.

      What is concerning is the length of the ignoring 2 months, from what I can see it should only be a short period. This is more seemingly like a mood issue.

      I’m
      Going up in the new year with my housemate as we live apart. My housemate knows him and gets on brilliantly so we are going to try him being the negotiating point of this.

      Ultimately he’s my forked there is over a decade of friendship. If this had been some guy off tinder I would just sack him off and not care.

      But this isn’t the person I know. He can get support for free from him doctor but also from
      His university.

      I want to still be friends I can’t be in a relationship with this behaviour going on. It’s too the extreme. And it’s so damaging to both parties involved.

      Im going to try the route of the doctors but I can’t take him to the doctors due to Covid rules and we don’t live in the same town I don’t know his doctor. He can get support also in other places so I wonder get him there first and then let them work on him getting to the doctors. We will mention it to him but he needs to take that step himself.

      It’s just heartbreaking really. He is a good person he’s just had so much trauma the last 6 years that I think that this has triggered the behaviours. These were not there befor and he comes form a loving family who supports him he’s just can’t see it and hides a lot of it from people.
      Just thank you so much for your solid advice! And have a happy holiday season where ever you are in the world ❤️

    • #189849
      Kerplunk
      Participant

      It’s really great that you’re helping him, sounds like he needs your support even if he doesn’t realise that yet. If he smokes large amounts of weed every day, especially from AM he may have a dependency (10% do), being at Uni won’t help. He may need to hit rock bottom before he does something about it. Personal when I quit a very mild daily habit, I noticed an improvement in my cognitive ability (memory and IQ). If he’s at Uni, he may well get better results if he gets onto prescription medication. When I was at Uni, people without AHDH got black market supplies to help when sitting exams, just Google “the exam drug”. And he can get it for free and legitimately (it’s expensive) ! Maybe use that angle ? Your plan sounds like a good one, best of luck. (I’m also from the UK btw). Happy Christmas and New Year.

      • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Kerplunk.
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