April 11, 2020 at 3:31 am #168591joshuaywkParticipant
My name is Josh, 29 years old from Singapore.
A little background about me, when i was a toddler i was the mischievous, hot tempered attention seeking and emotionally sensitive child, always very curious about everything.
There was a time when my dad brought back a new battery power clock, and i would just start tearing it down and discovering the working mechanism inside.
I was called the walking disaster by all my aunties and uncles because I would touch everything i see and yea eventually mishandled and break things.
During lessons in kindergarten when I was 7 years old, I will be the only one who was unable to sit still and will always be squirming on my chair or walking about in the class. Well which always gets me in trouble and be punished by standing at the corner of the class room, and I will start crying wondering to myself what did i do wrong?
Well the teacher had enough and informed my mother about my “misbehaviour” and advice my mother to have me checked by a child psychologist at Institute Of Mental Health.(IMH, not a nice place be found going to as in my country it’s always joked about that only the crazy ones go, I beg to defer.)
The psychologist had be assessed and reported to my mother that I had Short Attention Span and that my IQ was below average. (Well that sucks)
So my mom being a loving mother, she told the doctor off that i wasn’t “stupid” and from then I never went back there.
Through out my teenage life into my adult hood, I have always been the problem causing one. Never really did well in my studies but always aced in art.
My textbooks are always filled with doodles, never listening to a single word my teacher was saying always daydreaming and in my own world. I had this thing where i would crush a piece of paper and reimagine it into a spaceship, i would slowly mould that crushed paper into a shape and draw windows on it. Creation was joy for me.
Due to my short temper, I will always be the raging one and causing fights in class, releasing anger at home by punching the wall. Never really had much friends.
At 20 years old, i started smoking and drinking alcohol. Always coming to work in the morning with a hangover or even still drunk. Choosing to go out to drink even when I know i have work the next morning.
I Spend my money without sparing a second thought and will regret buying after.
I trust people so easily that I get cheated of my money, but i will aways seem to be able to forgive them.
I am not sure when my OCD started but i guess it was around the age of 18 or 19. They were intrusive compulsions and having need to do repetitive movements like tapping on the light switch several times, usually a specific number. Forcing myself not to will cause this anxiety that my family will die of whatever and that causes me to succumb to it.
Eventually this compulsive act will spread to not just switches but coughing, making subtle noises with my throat or even slapping myself in the face.
Come depression, when i was cheated of $10,000, i didn’t have a proper job because i left to start my own business. Didn’t do well because i was so irresponsible and spending the money i earned on alcohols and women.
I wanted to kill myself in multiple occasions and will always imagined and plot my own death and will always imagine the outcome like how people will react to my death etc.
I was saved by my close friend and listen to christian songs like Hillsong crying.
Well still paying my debt i was cheated again by my ex girlfriend of $12,000 in 2019. Basically I lend her both my credit cards to help her with her payments since she could not open a bank account in Singapore as she is from Indonesia. So eventually she maxed out my credit and fled to Indonesia.
February 2020, I booked an appointment with the Institute of Mental Health. And was diagnosed with OCD. Given SSRI Fluoxetine for 3 Months. And was told that my in ability to focus or keep my attention was caused by my OCD. The compulsion to look at objects that are eye catching, of which i tried to explain to the psychiatrist that I didn’t force myself to look at things or shift my attention when people are talking to me, or even space out in a conversation. I know the feeling of compulsion as they are like my intrusive compulsions.
But he dismiss and said I didn’t have attention problems even with my records stating i had attention issues when i was a child. Well i believed him since he was the expert and i started convincing myself I didn’t have attention issues they were all just OCD and anxiety.
Well 2 months on SSRI, my OCD still persist. Worst my irritability, emotional sensitivity and letting my emotions take control of my judgement, my impulsivity are worsen and my addiction for stimulants (Masturbating since 12, Not proud of it really i am so…. nvm) yea persist.
My current girlfriend as at her limit with my nonsense, it seems like i never learn my mistakes. Every quarrels I would apologies for my mistakes and forget about it the next few hours or next day as if nothing happened and she gets so pissed.
Well, No idea whats wrong with me. I have so much conflicting thoughts all the time and my mood swings(Since young and worst if i am tired) from one end of the spectrum to the other in just mere seconds all because something small and insignificant triggered me.
Oh and colleagues and friends still says I talk too much nonsense, acts immature most times and love to interrupt people’s conversation. Well the conversation is interesting I had to say my piece. 😀
Well thank you for reading, ignore my bad sentencing, vocabulary or grammar.
Would love replies or even advices on what is going on with me and how do i overcome such obstacles.
I hope everyone is doing okay during this Covid pandemic.
April 13, 2020 at 10:57 am #168724Penny WilliamsKeymaster
Your medication may need adjusting if you’re not getting any benefit from it, or too many side effects. And it could be that your doctor is only treating one piece of the puzzle right now. Regardless of your diagnoses, it takes more than medication to do well. Therapy is another piece of the treatment puzzle, as well as skill building in areas like executive functioning.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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