I need to dump this all out so I can both focus on the task at hand (he said in an ADHD support forum-hah!), start the conversation to help myself and perhaps others. I’m on meds for ADHD, depression and anxiety. Diagnosed 11 years ago, treated since.
It’s all the front of the brain. ADHD, addiction, it’s all dopamine and reward centers and lack of impulse control. And it’s both pissing me off and I realize now, defining my life while also holding me back.
I’m lucky in that my addictions aren’t life-threatening. I quit smoking two days ago (again) after smoking daily for a year in secret. I’ve battled with porn use for the better part of 2 decades. So I’m winning both those battles as of now. I didn’t smoke or use yesterday, nor will I today. Add sugar and caffeine which are the least of my worries to those along with lying to avoid conflict which is a much bigger deal… It’s a big toxic soup.
But the cravings and triggers and habits are all still there. And rather than studying for a career defining exam, I’m having to actively push back and fight them off. I have no choice but to win, I like myself best clean. But Jesus this is hard.