ADD Man + ADD Woman = Anything?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships ADD Man + ADD Woman = Anything?

Tagged: 

This topic contains 9 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  strwbry 3 months, 1 week ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #54590

    JohnB
    Participant

    I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 52. Better late than never, but not soon enough to save a marriage I wanted. Time has passed and I am ready to look again, and I have to wonder… is not better to seek out a female with ADD?

    Of course, not un-diagnosed and not untreated but someone that understands first hand what is going on, why it is happening and is aware. I have looked at all of the online horror stories about ADD and marriage and I do not want to spend the rest of my life in solitude. I feel like I am a good person. I want to love unconditionally and be loved in return.

    Are any of you out there in forum land in a relationship where BOTH of you have ADD?
    How are you doing?
    Where are you in the longevity of the relationship?
    If you take a solid stance one way or the other, why?

    Thank you!

    • This topic was modified 1 year ago by  ADHDmomma.
  • #54905

    anomalocaris
    Participant

    I can’t say anything about a relationship, because the guy I’m talking about here was happily in a relationship when I met him (and still is), and I learned a very long time ago that I want nothing to do with being in a relationship. Nonetheless, I think this is relevant. a couple of people (one of them his wife) conspired to get us in a room together. Neither of us ever really socializes because of our ADD. When we met, it was like we were one brain in two bodies. Our conversation flowed in a way that neither of us had ever experienced when talking with “normal” people. We left the others in the dust, but they didn’t care. They just laughed at the pair of us and the wife said, “See? Didn’t I tell you?” Every now and again they arrange a repeat performance, primarily because they think it’s hilarious to watch how we bounce from one topic to another so fast they can’t follow us, but never lose each other in the process. I think that people with ADD communicate in a different rhythm from other people, so we rarely get to experience the fluidity of communication that happens between “normal” people. 2 people with ADD are in sync with each other, the way 2 “normal” people are. So on that level, I think it could be a perfect relationship.

    The dangerous side is that someone has to be the grownup, and Peter Pan ADDers (like me) aren’t always so good at bring the grownup, so household chores, finances and such may be a bit of an issue.

  • #54919

    jlvanesler
    Participant

    Sometimes it feels like we are doomed. I was recently diagnosed at the age of 36. My ADHD is not severe but the more stress I’ve added to my life with jobs and kids the harder it’s been to function. My husband has known of his ADHD longer. It definitely is challenging but knowledge is power I guess. I think what complicates our relationship is we have 4 kids (11, 9, 4, 3). The younger two are speech delayed and have sensory issues. So it definitely is like fighting an uphill battle, barefoot, in the snow lol. We struggle financially because my husband’s ADHD is more severe so jobs are difficult to keep sometimes. Medicine doesn’t help much for him and asking an adult with a severe ADHD problem that has struggled with obesity and turns to food for coping to follow a special diet is not even possible. Some days I feel like running away but then I remember there is no one I’ve ever loved more than my husband and I would not want anyone else. We definitely have a more difficult relationship than a relationship with 1 person with ADHD and one without. But I can’t help who I love believe me. Ive been married 3 times now and the man I’m married to now is the one I should have married first.

  • #54954

    JohnB
    Participant

    So far I am hearing what I expected. That things are tough but ‘we fit’.
    I hope to hear from many more people

  • #55084

    ShinyCactus
    Participant

    Absolutely! My husband and I are both ADHD and neither had any idea until recently when our son was diagnosed. We’re like two halves of the same person. Our household is chaotic but fun, and we are healthy and happy! I think we work well together because we “get” each other’s kind of crazy, and don’t sweat the small things. We have learned to just roll with it, and laugh at ourselves… a lot. Sure it takes effort, but don’t all relationships? πŸ™‚

  • #55115

    JohnB
    Participant

    How did you meet your ADD significant other?
    I am putting myself out there on dating sites with A.D.D. as part of the blurb “ADD man seeks ADD lady”.
    So far the silence is deafening.

    • #79568

      Masterofdisaster
      Participant

      I can tell you from personal experience (I’m female) that when trying to find a significant other, someone whose entire existence ‘revolves’ around ADD isn’t very attractive.
      To explain further, my [male] ex had EXTREMELY bad ADD, the likes of which i’ve never seen in anyone else I know, including myself (I was diagnosed with ADD the same year I dumped him after I noticed a LOT of similar habits and quirks between the two of us and got curious). I could go on for HOURS about how much of a pain in the ass he was. This wasn’t exclusively due to ADD or anything, it was some ADD ‘quirks’ along with aspects of his personality that, when combined, made for some incredibly juvenile, and unfortunately dangerous behavior. He blamed his socially unacceptable behaviors and actions on virtually everything and everyone except himself, but the most popular thing he’d blame was his ADD.
      Unfortunately, coming right out and admitting you have ADD from the get-go can be a major turn-off for some people, especially if they’re not very informed about it and have only been exposed to ADD stereotypes. I kept trying to tell him that, when meeting people, romantic or otherwise, he should focus more on his actual personality, not just the fact he has ADD since ADD is not exclusively ‘your personality’ and certainly shouldn’t be the only thing you claim to offer in a relationship (again, romantic or otherwise). I’m not saying this is the type of vibe you’re intending to send out, but it could appear that way to some people, which could be the cause of the lack of responses.

      In contrast, I met my current boyfriend a bit over a year ago by total chance via a site that’s technically not supposed to be a ‘dating site’, but kinda ended up being that for us XD
      He had written up a very nice profile that spoke of his many interests, a lot of which aligned with my own. I could tell exclusively from what he wrote that he had/has ADD (I was correct), but that was only cause ever since I diagnosed myself before approaching my GP about getting meds, I’ve been highly aware of ‘signs’ and ‘symptoms’ to look for in others (it’s not a matter of wanting to ‘pry’, i just know based off how much my meds helped me, I want others i care about to be informed and get the help they need too).

      TL;DR version of this? Be yourself!! As stereotypical as that probably sounds, it’s honestly true! ADD is one tiny piece of a whole you!

  • #79004

    andrew.n.hannah1
    Participant

    Wow! A subject I have something pretty positive to say about my experience dealing with this. I’m a classic case with failed relationships marriage etc. Two years ago I had a relationship with someone I really cared about end for the second time, once I. High school and again 24 years later. I decided to give the online dating thing a shot. I chatted with a lot of people went on a date or two and one night came across a profile of a woman and after reading it I had two thoughts. 1. Wow she kinda sounds like the fun kinda crazy I tend to like, I need to fully vet this one and make sure she is mostly fun and not actually crazy and 2. She absolutely has to have ADHD with that profile. Now I know the bad kinda crazy and I’ve had more than my fill so that’s a deal breaker but I’ve never looked at a woman and thought ADHD and never dated someone from our tribe.
    It turned out that she wasn’t diagnosed And she wasn’t the Badd kind of crazy either but she was a blast to be around. Fast forward 6 months and she got her diagnosis. It was really great for her As you can imagine it explains so much particularly when you’re in your late thirties. So now I’m officially dating A woman with ADHD. We’ve been dating for 2 years now. like some of the other answers Most of the time it’s great. sometimes it’s like having the other half of your brain in the room. All of those ADHD related difficulties Yup we both have them which means that neither one of us can get to Upset about them. Feeling a little bit of impulse control problems With keeping your mouth shut So you don’t make dumb or obtuse comments Not a problem At all she was probly thinking the same thing anyway better yet she will say something worse which is even funnier. Having some motivation issues with cleaning also not a Problem we try to alternate the timing of our most difficult symptoms But our song is your mess is mine by Vance Joy. The relationship lime any other has ups and downs, it ebbs and flows but the level of connection and understanding is on a level I have never experienced and it’s a whole lot of fun. I’m not sure finding a partner with ADHD is the ultimate or the best answer but the best advice I’ve ever gotten about finding a spouse when you have ADHD is to fi d a spouse that you can truly laugh with. Sometimes the tendency is to find a planner or a therapist type or a motherly type and those usually end j. Disaster. You can pay for a life coach a therapist even someone to help keep you accountable and on track but you can’t buy someone who will laugh with you through all your ADHD quirks. Best of luck

    • #80329

      B0Peep
      Participant

      LOL. Your ADHD is loud and clear. The run on sentences punctuated by capital letters are a solid hint.

      Seriously though – I second a ton of what you said. Especially the last part about being with a planner/therapist. I always dated “bad” girls growing up because they appreciated my quiet confidence and wacky sense of humour. Mostly though I liked them because I was to shy with introductions so they made them and also because they were damaged people like me so they were appreciative of my good points and didn’t sweat the bad. Think I will return to this habit.

      I have been married for over 10 years to a severe OCD planner and martyr type. For many years I took the superficial view everyone else had that her generosity was great and I thought I could use her example to make myself a person to be proud of in mirroring her. The trouble was the constant drama and the fact that she NEVER allows anyone to pay her back. Everyone in her life feels spiteful of her because she makes us feel guilty. For so many years I thought (and she likey does) that I drove her friends away but it was her. Through the fights I kept saying an old Tragically Hip line “I’ll do the rolling, you do the details”. I still think it was a perfect plan for ADHD and I did follow through but she refuses to see it like that.

      I agree with your key point and it is rather simple. We need someone who can not just deal with our mess and faults but laugh at them. In real love your partners faults are always the parts you miss most when they are out of sight (even for the day).

      As for dating someone with ADHD – yes, wonderful idea but BE CAREFUL. Take your time, carefully document each of your weaknesses (openly) and strengths and, like a business merger, see if you complement each other in practical terms. If you don’t have that, eventually when life gets rough you will resent each other for the chaos. If you do have it, it won’t get rough because you can always comfort each other :). Good luck.

      • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  B0Peep.
  • #86328

    strwbry
    Participant

    8 years of marriage, and it’s still fun. πŸ™‚ Not every couple can say that. Most of our friends seem bored and tired with their adulthood. Our ADHD keeps us looking for new sources of entertainment and interest. Our impulsivity and humor take disastrous date nights and turn them into fun memories. Conversations that we are both invested in are quick and engaging, no one can match wits with me like he can, and when we grab onto a project, the creative ideas start flying! It’s definitely an adventure, and having someone by your side who understands your struggles, sees who you are when you’re not pretending to be typical and loves you, not just despite your quirks but sometimes because of them, is wonderful. You can truly be yourself, and love yourself, which is hard to do after years of being told you’re lazy or dumb. I think it’s hard for some people to accept what they don’t really understand. It’s hard to be patient and forgiving when you feel like you’re the one doing ALL the forgiving. In an ADHD marriage, the screw ups are pretty equal. πŸ˜‰

    Cons. Important decisions are hard. Keeping track of finances is hard. Important conversations are hard when neither of you really wants to address whatever the scary issue is. We take turns “being the adult” in different situations, but neither of us every REALLY wants to be the adult. Sometimes, I feel like having a “real adult” in the relationship would make things like schedules, chores, and finances easier. Easier, but not neccisarily better.

    He was diagnosed as a kid. I was diagnosed in college.

    I still love being married to my ADHD man, and though he annoys the crap out of me sometimes with his impulsivity and distractibility, I know it’s never personal. And it’s easy to forgive, because I’ll probably zone out when he starts talking about motorcycles or pizza. πŸ™‚ It’s a wonderful adventure.

    Adult supervision (from a coach or therapist) recommended.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by  strwbry.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.