July 13, 2017 at 10:41 pm #54113
I’m truly at the end of my rope, and have nowhere else to turn. I’m fairly certain that posting here will do no good either, but hoping that someone out there might have a suggestion I’ve never heard before.
ADD is ruining my life. I look back on it and I honestly cannot see one positive thing that has happened to me as a result of it. People always go on about how we ought to celebrate our differences, but I’m guessing theirs hasn’t led them down such awful paths as mine have. I’ve been in countless relationships, including a marriage that ended in divorce, am in debt up to my eyeballs, have had so many jobs that I’ve lost track, and have been trying to earn an Associate’s Degree for 4 years now. I work three jobs and still can’t make ends meet. I can’t even afford to file bankruptcy. I’m 42 years old and have had to move back in with my parents because I can’t afford my own place. I know the right thing to do is to find some crappy job that pays well, but I also know that if I don’t see results right away I’ll abandon it like I have every previous job. I currently can’t afford my medication (thanks Obamacare), and believe me when I tell you that I have exhausted every option available when it comes to receiving healthcare.
Ten years ago I was living in the UK where I had a great job, free schooling and free healthcare, and I decided I wanted to move back here because I missed my family. The same family who don’t believe my ADD even exists. I will always regret my decision to move back to the U.S. and now that I have thousands of dollars worth of debt, I don’t even have the option to go back to the UK. I have a knack for permanently closing doors behind me every time I walk away from something.
I did all of this to myself and I know only I can fix it, but I see no way out, and what’s worse is I don’t feel I deserve another chance. I’ve thrown away every opportunity I’ve ever been given. I’ve thrown PEOPLE away, so I have no support from either friends or family. I just feel like the world’s biggest loser.
What is there left to do?
July 14, 2017 at 3:40 am #54115
An all too familiar story Amb. I hear you and feel for you. I know it’s cliched and I really wish I had a more empowering way of saying it.
Force yourself outta bed. Force yourself to have a protein and omega 3 rich brekkie. Force yourself to get some sun. Easier said than done, right? Take a moment to think about each ‘lil thing and defy the crappy world us human beings created for ourselves.
If I may share with you… I defy the world because of my ‘lil girl. I’m certain she has what we both have. I know that if I give up, whose going to get her through those days, you and I share, when you and I needed someone just to be there unconditionally and without judgement. To know that she can be safe around her dad at the very, very least.
Even if you don’t have someone or something to keep you going. At least get yourself a mirror and write on it in red “Defy!” and look in it every day. I would like to see, maybe one day, a post an optimistic post written in the UK 🙂
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Screwball.
July 15, 2017 at 12:18 am #54186
Amb having read what you wrote I felt an instant recognition of how I USED to describe my life (on occasions the old ways of thinking rear their ugly head tho) I have been lucky to find a mentor who is similar to me especially in the way that I think and the abstract ways that I come to ideas. The key things that she has taught/shared with me are
It is what it is … for now, which in my logic that it will change and the situation and circumstances that I find myself in are not permanent
Make do with what you have …. for now, which for me is a focus on the now. An example is ” I can’t do this or that until I have ??” for me a key one is I can’t have a relationship until my boys leave home, I can’t finish a project because I don’t have the tool that will make it easier to complete. Most of us are extraordinarily good at procrastinating and making excuses.
Like Screwball said ‘baby steps’
Sit down in a space that make you feel comfortable and review what you see as the negatives of add and see if you can find 1 positive in your life experiences. From an outsider it seems to me that you have been adventurous and traveled. Life is not lineal and at 42 there is still so much that can and will change.
July 15, 2017 at 11:08 am #54190
I get you completely – have just been made redundant because of my adhd, moved back with family (though not across countries), mountains of debt, ruined relationships, 3 demoralising Bill paying jobs alongside teenage school leavers cto try and fill the gap…you’re not alone, try and be kind to yourself. It’s not a personality flaw or you being a rubbish person that’s made you do those things; it’s an illness that hasn’t been successfully treated, yet.
Also I hope you don’t mind me saying, but it sounds like you’re horribly suffering from depression… Have you seen anyone about that? Depression and anxiety are massively comorbid with adhd, so might be worth looking into. I think I’d be in full suicidal hermit mode at the moment if they weren’t being treated alongside the adhd, for me. I’m very ignorant about American healthcare, being from the uk, so I don’t know if that’s a feasible option for you there… Why can’t you move back to the UK, though?
Also might be worth looking into magnesium and 5htp supplements if you’re off meds right now. They’ve really helped me, in the past, because they’re things adhd brains are deficient in, so I’ve heard.
Let me know how you get on…try and treat yourself like you would a friend, and please don’t give up hope.
July 15, 2017 at 12:01 pm #54192
I can sum up the U.S. healthcare system in one word – useless. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great if you have the money to pay for it, but if you don’t, you’re up the creek without a paddle. And it’s a shame because we have arguably some of the best doctors in the world, tons of resources for ADD, but they’re not easily accessible. During Obama’s presidency there was talk about introducing Universal healthcare, but Americans didn’t want that because we’re paranoid about anything that sounds vaguely socialist, so we were given Obamacare instead, the “Affordable Healthcare Act,” which is no way affordable. I know the NHS has its own issues, and God knows the British don’t easily open up about mental illness, but it is 100 times more accessible than what we have here. Whenever I got sick in the UK, I knew I could just pop into my doc’s office and leave with a free prescription.
I do suffer from comorbid depression and anxiety. It’s gotten a lot worse as I’ve hit middle-age. I suspect I could benefit from some kind of hormone therapy, but… refer to the above. I do meditate every day, do yoga a few times per week, I don’t smoke or drink coffee and keep alcohol to a minimum. I do have social anxiety so I don’t get out much with friends, but the more time I spend away from them, the more I realize they’re not the best people to be around anyway. So I’m lonely on top of everything else.
I can’t move back to the UK because I simply don’t have the money to do it, and I have a mountain of debt that I’m terrified will follow me there, not to mention it’s just so damned rainy there! As I’m sure you’re aware, depression and gloomy weather don’t mix. Then again, I was living in Scotland, so I probably could’ve picked a warmer area. Anyway, it all comes down to money. I’m sorry to say, but it does buy you a certain degree of happiness. If you’re financially comfortable, you have more options available to you. Also, my family really really sucks. That’s all I’ll say on that subject.
I hate to sound defeatist. I would be willing to give anything new a shot if anything new actually presented itself.
Thank you for your thoughts, regardless.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by amb1974.
July 15, 2017 at 5:13 pm #54195
You just need the right medication (no..talk therapy won’t work in my experience) to correct the chemical imbalance..probably a boost of dopamine. Find the money for to make an appointment with a drug dealer (psychiatrist) and get you some happy pills! I knew a person who couldn’t get out of bed and now is a director of operations! You’ll need to research on your own what drugs will benefit you for the money and bring that up to your doctor. For example..EVEKEO helped my son and they have first 30 days free..then $30 a month for a year. I’m also ADD and they put me on VYVANSE which was $200 a month (uh no thanks!) So I got my doctor to prescribe generic Adderall.. Describe your symptoms to doctor and have a list of affordable drugs to bring up to your doctor. Once you fix the chemical imbalance in your brain..you will have a better outlook on life and you will gain motivation..everything else will fall into place. You are not worthless…create a plan and stick to it. You can do it! Keep us posted!
July 18, 2017 at 11:32 am #54279
Some medication manufacturers have patient assistance programs to help patients who cannot afford their medications. Concerta’s manufacturer has one here: http://www.janssenprescriptionassistance.com/concerta-cost-assistance. CHADD offers a few other options as well: http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/About-ADHD/Insurance-and-Public-Benefits/Paying-for-Medications.aspx.
Seek out “credit counseling” to tackle your debt. This is a free service that works with your creditors and helps you with a plan of payment you can manage. I left college with credit card debt I couldn’t pay. One of the collectors finally recommended credit counseling and it changed everything. They negotiated a stop on most of the interest and even lower minimum monthly payments. It took years, but I paid every cent, as I could, and it removed the stress of it all. (It was a Red Cross program 20+ years ago when I used it. I don’t think it is now, but I know it’s still available somewhere.)
It does sound like some treatment of your ADHD and depression are crucial at this juncture.
Here’s some helpful advice on moving forward:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
July 29, 2018 at 3:21 pm #89724
HeritAge Mom is so right. Talk therapy is nice (you have someone to talk to) but meds do help! There are many university medical schools where you can get cheaper care. There are also clinics in many neighborhoods (some run by the same universities). Obama Care has been a God send for me! I can get medicaid until I find a job that has insurance. I am not sure why it is so expensive for you if your income is low? Is it because you are living at home and they therefore see no rent/expenses? Have your parents start “charging” you rent. Have you tried social services office? There is a 211 number to call or go online in every state. I also think if you are a full time student you can get medical care for free. (I think). Also, you mentioned that you have done bad things to people and they may not forgive you. A few weeks ago, I wrote letters to people who had distanced themselves from me and I never knew why. (The add, anxiety and depression all have tell tale signs which I now understsand – like irritability, over rationalizing, impatience, etc.) I apologized for my actions and said they were probably related to the diagnosis. I did not do that to become friends with them again, but to explain, apologize and clear MY conscience. All were receptive. That is all you can do!
- This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by BrendaB.
July 27, 2017 at 9:32 pm #55076
I truly feel your pain as I am right there with you. My ADHD was suppressed when I was younger and had children and a spouse. After divorce and all of a sudden needing to find my way into the working world (I had not worked since college and was fired from every job like you) and then menopause, well the symptoms came roaring back with vengeance. I too have health care issues and my nominal insurance won’t cover hormone replacement therapy so that is coming out of my pocket but it has helped. I can’t get them to cover any ADHD drugs as they insist I get a new diagnosis from a neurologist even though I was diagnosed at 4…of course they only have one in their approved list and the wait to get in is still 9 month out. So I did a lot of research on line and went to vitamin therapy which is also not cheap but I have seen nominal improvement. I too think you are depressed (as am I) and I think most of us ADHD’ers resist drug treatment but I am now considering as I feel myself spiraling downward and my anxiety is overwhelming at times.
Job wise…well there was only one choice for me…work for myself; getting repeatedly fired was debilitating for me.
If you like pets, have you looked into dog walking/pet sitting?? The bond is not too expensive but necessary for business. Best of all if you are good with pets and stick to it, your can get referrals. But you need a back up fellow dog walker in case you get sick etc.
Do an online search to see what other self employment opportunites are out there in your area.
Keep in touch, it’s important to know there are folks just like you…ME!!!
July 28, 2017 at 1:51 am #55083
I wish I had seen this earlier and am hoping you’ve gotten some relief.
Your story is my story…same job issues, moved back home, divorce….
First- Don’t give up hope. Ask God to be with you and give you peace.
Second – you are worth getting a second, third, as many chances as it takes.
Third- call churches in your area to find out which ones have therapists. That’s how I found an amazing licensed certified social worker who referred me to a psychiatrist who worked with me financially to pay for his services and the meds.
You are not a bad person because of the difficulties ADD has caused for you! Our brains are wired differently! If only 25% of the population has ADD it means the world’s school, work and social structures are geared toward that 75%. No wonder we feel like round pegs trying to fit a square hole!
Go to the library and check out some books on ADD. There are good books on organizational, health, work and social things that help us work with how we’re wired.
I agree with recommendations from other posters re: 5htp over the counter, getting enough sleep, etc.
DON’T GIVE UP! God has a purpose for your life.
July 28, 2017 at 4:07 am #55087
Why do you think you are undeserving of another chance? Im re-posting because i had to change some settings on my account in order to be able to recieve a notification if you decide to answer. 🌈
July 28, 2017 at 6:25 am #55090
First of all, I can totally relate to your situation. It has been tough for me too. Regarding your job situation: have you figured out what interests you? I know if you found that occupation that interests you, you will excel in it. That is generally the protocol with add/ADHD recipients. We generally excel at anything we take an interest in.
As far as your medicine is concerned, I usually take omega-3 fish oil and a lot of biotin. Biotin is water soluble so whatever your body does not absorb it disposes of in your urine, so I take quite a bit of it. Something about the b vitamins and the neurons in your brain that help activate the prefrontal cortex. This is not medical advice, this is what I do. I know someone had told you about magnesium and the lack of it in Add/ADHD patients which is true but magnesium can play tricks on your heart so inform your Dr before taking and any of these vitamins and minerals. Exercise is very important too for quieting the mind and yoga or meditation is beneficial as well. It has really helped me too.
Just don’t give up and be gentle and good to yourself. Take it one day at a time. I hope this info helps you. God bless!
July 28, 2017 at 8:02 am #55096
I am in a similar position and nearly took my life. I didn’t. Instead I took a leap of faith when I had nothing left and everything was bleak and I was broken. The people on this website helped me with kindness and compassion and good advice, we are all in this together. I am now getting help and people have appeared from the woodwork and have supported me with great compassion when I thought I was alone with it all. I am so glad I reached out for help as you are doing now. Help comes when you need it most. Even if youre not religious, pray with sincerity for help, beg if necessary. It will come, I promise.
I am still in a whole heap of trouble. But now my wife is helping me and I have a good doctor and good psych, Im getting meds and can see the light at the end of the tunnel, its enough for me to move forward and I feel I can make it now.
There’s a lot of good advice above. Try magnesium, before bed it will help you sleep. Go for walks and exercise, you must, it will calm you. Go to a church group, find a help group, charity, a new age shop, anything just reach out as much as you can. Good people will come, they respond to a certain sound, its called a cry for help.
Don’t give up. I will pray for you as others prayed for me. Someone once told me… If you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on!
One day at a time Amb, you can do this.
July 28, 2017 at 9:14 am #55106
I understand your situation. ADHD has definitely taken it’s toll on my life too. I have a job, but I hate it and struggle every day. I have never lived up to my potential – I mean I have a high IQ and graduated college at 19, yet I’m stuck in a dumb paper-pushing job that drives me nuts. My house is a disaster, so I can never invite anyone over, and I struggle to raise my own ADHD child because it’s hard for me to keep to the structure he needs. *sigh*
Medication has been helping me some. My husband has been doing more by trying to help me with the structure I lack. Is there any way you could use a different medication? I know that the non XR medications are usually pretty cheap. You’d have to take multiple doses a day, but that’s better than going without anything, right?
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by DDDaysh.
January 21, 2018 at 4:52 pm #74396
I have a story to tell which, as my cry for help intensifies, I’ll l document on here, hopefully in the next few days, hoping to find some inspiration from this seemingly indescribably amazing community. Before I do I just wanted to say that this response just reduced me to tears. I have only read the first few posts on this thread yet the most overriding and apparent feeling I derive is one of warmth. The reason for this is simple enough – just at the point whereby I literally feel the loneliest in my 46+ years on this planet I find this and having only read a few paragraphs I no longer feel as lonely, miserable, depressed and fed-up. Thank you for that
July 28, 2017 at 9:19 am #55107
Also, it sounds like you have some depression going on too. If you can get it diagnosed (just one doctor’s appointment) then you can attend a clubhouse http://www.iccd.org/whatis.html They are all over, so there is probably one in your city. They specialize in helping people with mental illness (which to me, ADHD is, but I think that you have to have at least depression as a comorbidity to qualify) in getting their lives together and gaining meaningful employment and employment training. It also gives you a place to go where other people understand. Look into it!
July 28, 2017 at 11:24 am #55123
“I did all of this to myself and I know only I can fix it, but I see no way out, and what’s worse is I don’t feel I deserve another chance.”
You sound just like me. I moved out of my parents’ house at 24, and moved back in at 25. I’ve been living with my mother ever since, and if it weren’t for her I don’t know where I’d be. And I understand family problems. My family does believe ADD/ADHD exists, and they believe I have it, but they don’t seem to accept that any of the ADHD related problems I have are because of my ADHD. They just think they’re personal flaws I need to work on, such as not being lazy and not procrastinating. Or if they do, they think I just need to learn to not be lazy or procrastinate.
Let me begin by saying that whatever choices you made were yours, but you did not choose to have a condition that results in having a myriad of jobs or taking a long time to finish you associate degree. Or many of the other problems you’ve had in life. None of us did. And no, it’s not that only you can fix it. Even without neurological or mental health issues, nobody makes it through life on their own. Don’t think this. Only you can choose to fix it, nobody can make that choice for you. But you can’t fix it on your own. If everybody tried to fix everything on their own, the human species would have died out before we discovered fire. You’re not Hercules, though your trials may be as hard, so don’t try to do it on your own.
Second, don’t ever let yourself feel like you don’t deserve another chance. This may be the wrong forum for this, but I’m Christian and one thing I’ve learned is that God always gives us another chance. It’s Satan who doesn’t want us to feel like we deserve the Chance God gives, that’s why Christians call him the father of all lies. You may not be Christian, but the same still applies. You always have another chance, as long as you keep trying. And if you don’t believe in Satan, then believe that whatever makes you feel this way is your own personal Evil One – depression, anger, self-doubt – these are the Evil Ones you face, and they will lie to you. They make you believe you aren’t worthy of another chance or that nobody will give you one. I started college 4 years ago, and got my associate in the first two years. but I had trouble keeping up. I made 4.0 my first semester, and it started dropping after that. Last semester, I failed a class. I’m on Pell and loans, so I could lose these and have to quit. But when I moved from the 2 year college to the local university, I read something about ADHD on the internet that made me look it up. I started talking to a counselor there and got diagnosed last Spring. I’ve had a hard time of it, and I stopped working on behavioral things this Summer – for one, I work at the university’s cafeteria and they close in the Summer, so I’ve been looking for a job for 2 months now – and the Adderall sometimes makes me more hyperfocused so I don’t always get my assignments done on time because I get busy on other things or I get to focused on the details of the assignment, and a few I never finished. I took a drawing course this Summer and never finished the last assignment. I made a 75 in that class. But I know if I give up, I’m giving in to those things that want me to fail – depression, anger, self-doubt.
As for your friends and family, reconciliations can be made and friendships can be mended. But just like everything else, you have to make the choice to do so, and you can’t do this alone. They have to choose to mend those friendships as well. But they have to understand that you do have a neurological condition, and your friendship will not be easy, for either you or them, and they have to be strong to be your friend; just like you have to be strong to be a friend to others. And your family will have to accept that, whether they believe it exists or not, these attributes of your condition make life harder for you, and they wont be changed easily, or without their support.
July 28, 2017 at 11:46 am #55130
I feel your pain intently. I’ve been struggling untreated and uninsured and in financial collapse. One of the things that has helped me is at least taking vitamin/mineral supplements to manage what I can without meds. Fish oil, B-Vitamin complex, Magnesium and Zinc have truly been helpful. I’ve coupled that with meditation – and that took a YEAR to really help but it did!- and ultimately forgiving myself for a condition that is out of my control and not a personality flaw.
Also, with my boys, I had to get my youngest diagnosed and medicated while still uninsured. The Dr’s office worked with us on a payment schedule. Sometimes if you call around you will find a good office that will work with you. That’s what we did and it was really helpful.
Right now I have to focus on my kids so I can’t do more for myself otherwise I’d do the same for me. Hang in there and good luck!
July 28, 2017 at 12:17 pm #55142
Wow! This post really blew up overnight. Thank you all so much for the responses. It means a lot to me that you would take the time and effort to craft them.
There’s a lot of great advice here which I need to process. One thing that a few people asked about is why I feel I don’t deserve another chance. This is something that’s deeply rooted in my psyche. It comes from having a traditional European family and Catholic schooling. It mostly comes down to guilt. I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life at times when my ADD went untreated. I suppose I hurt them when I myself was hurting most. Some of the damage I’ve done is irreversible and those people will never forgive me. That’s something I struggle to accept. There’s also the fact that I’ve repeated mistakes over and over again. I know this is something the ADD brain does – it makes it difficult for us to learn from our mistakes because we live so impulsively. Most of the time I don’t even recognize that I’m going down the same path of destruction. Based on those things, I just end up thinking, “Well, you were given an opportunity and you blew it… again.” That’s why I don’t believe I deserve more chances.
I’ve been taking some vitamin supplements (magnesium and Omega-3) and meditating regularly, which has helped some. I won’t be able to apply for health insurance again until November, so that’s going to have to wait. Right now I’m kind of on autopilot; working two jobs and preparing to go back to school. My leisure time goes to reading and journalling, so I’m keeping occupied, but it’s still difficult because I’m not getting much stimulation otherwise, and when I get antsy I usually go seeking thrills that end up getting me into a lot of trouble.
It’s just so frustrating. ADD is like having a toddler – you can’t keep your eyes off it for one second or it ends up breaking a vase or busting a lip on a toy.
Anyway, thanks again to all of you.
July 28, 2017 at 12:49 pm #55154
I’m so glad we were able to help because we know how it feels and what makes it a little bit tolerable is the fact that you are indeed not alone. It is a struggle each one of us faces daily; the feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy and being called unintelligent which had been pounded into our heads as kids to the point where we start believing the lies. Think of all the great poets, free thinkers, and scientists of yesterday and today that had been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD: think of all they have accomplished on this earth: Albert Einstein, Richard Branson and John F Kennedy just to name a few.
There are apps that can assist with your add as well that will help you in time management and organization. And please take an occupational test to find out what your natural abilities and interests lie. And then hone in on that talent. I know you will excel in it. Just whatever you do, don’t give up.
July 28, 2017 at 2:49 pm #55181
I asked because thar is the only way i can see if i can help. By what you say, that feeling of guilt, i might be able to help you with that. I dont really have a name to go by but ive been helping people like this for a while now. There is only one condition. Since i dont like to force my ideas on nobody and i dont like to do my job in the public eye, i always ask if you’d like my help. If you want it, i will try to connect with you. If you dont, that’s okay. And no. I will not charge you. If not, i wouldnt have tried getting to you, as you said before that youre in a very difficult position financially. So no worries. 😊
July 28, 2017 at 4:19 pm #55184
Sorry I’m late to the party. One resource for meds I’m positive you haven’t tried. Do this, this week! Find a “Mormon” church. Search under The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Don’t worry that it’s not your religion. Ask to see a bishop. The Mormon church has the best resources for helping people get back on their feet. The members are extremely generous and not only pay traditional tithing but also a fast offering. The fast offerings are specifically used for helping the poor in the area. Tell the bishop you’re Catholic background and concerns about repeat offenses and guilt. Mormon doctrine teaches the importance of desiring to become better over perfect compliance. If the bishop makes you feel guilty or unworthy, walk out and find another bishop. (Bishop’s are imperfect too). Anyway, tell them you are in desperate need of financial assistance. They won’t give you cash but you can often bring a receipt for meds or rent or other specific necessities and they will write you a check to cover the cost. They also have counselors who can treat you if you have a referal from the bishop. If your desire is to return to Europe, they won’t pay your debt or buy you a plane ticket but they can help with finding employment and free food. Then with money in your pocket and meds to help you cope you can save up enough to go to Europe in complete confindence that the Mormon church is strong there too. One caveat. You must be willing to stay on meds and work with the bishop to dig yourself out. If you treat it like a lifetime free ride you will be cut off.
July 28, 2017 at 4:45 pm #55185
Vyvanse was pretty expensive when I was on Obamacare, I fond generic ridalin was more affordable, but didn’t work for me, made me feel foggy. Now I have a prescription for Focalin and it’s only $10 bucks with my current insurance, I think Vyvanse is $75 with my current insurance. It’s hard to not get despondent about where you are in life, but maybe we ADHDers feel it even worse. I’m totally not where I’d hoped I’d be. I didn’t realize I most likely have ADHD until a couple years ago. I change jobs a lot, I get fed up or bored with them. This is a good time to really sit with yourself and get to know you and be OK with you. I think having heard NO and you’re doing that wrong or just that most of what I was doing was wrong, bad, or of the devil, caused me to believe that who I am is basically wrong and that I need to try to be like other people in order to be successful. But I can’t be them, it’s too tiring. I was successful as a truck driver, but hated the long hours or being away from home for 2 weeks at a time. So I went back to school and got a degree in something that ended up making me miserable. I then tried to go back into trucking but since I had been out for 3 years no one wanted to hire me or they wanted me to start over and ride with a trainer and be gone a lot. So now I feel like I have to start over again or figure out what can I do that is a good fit for me? The tricky part is not worrying about how much it will pay. Maybe I need something with more immediate feedback and rewards? I don’t know. I worry a lot about my future, it seems so uncertain and so precarious.
I started a planner with my student success counselor (I’m 39 and I’m still working towards that degree)
It’s a 1-2-3 planner, it’s really simple, and I can also us it as a journal of how I feel that day. I got some cute stickers, and I use it to motivate me to do what every boring shit I have to do that day. Then I can also feel a sense of accomplishment when I’ve gotten to all the things. You have 1 must do today or else there are dire consequences, like paying a bill, ect. Then 2 should does like make an appointment, and 3 would like to get to but if I don’t no biggy. Eventually stuff in 3 end up in 2 and then 1.
If your income is low enough and you qualify for a Pell Grant, consider attending a college near you, they often have student support and counseling services that are free! I’m at OSU and I love that school for the student support services alone, I’m talking to an advisor, a student success counselor who is more like a life coach, and a career counselor.
Is there any free group therapy in your area? I wish I could find some free coaching, I need a coach, some one, not related to me or a friend who can help keep me on track. I get lost in the world distracted in the USA why all the ongoing sales pitches and mirages or opportunities.
Can you afford an ADHD coach? Even if it’s just once a month? Or a counselor you request to coach you? There are counseling services in my area that do sliding scale fees depending on income.
Diet and exercise can help, like try to eat as clean as possible, limit carbs, and try to eat more meat and green veggies.
Does being outside calm you? I find I can’t stand to be inside anymore if anyone is home. I find only nature is where I don’t feel like a failure or a weirdo. So I’m thinking about maybe a career outside. I also finally took the plunge and started building stuff like I always wanted to. I found I seem to have a knack for it and I loose myself in my projects and the Mac Demarco I play, and I’m in a way better mood after an hour or 2 of building. I’m not sure if I can build for money, but anything I can do for myself is one step closer to independence. You see, I know I can’t survive in this western culture that like to label people with any sort of perceived defect. We’re only struggling because we don’t fit into “Their” world. So I’m working to find a way to exist outside of it. Like an off the grid kinda of thing. I read some of Walden, and when he says he wants to negate the need to sell a basket to anyone it struck a chord with me, I literally yelled, “Me too!”
Find what you’re good at and own it! No matter what that is. We ADHDers have multiple interests and skills, cuz we get bored and move on to newer and better things. I think we also fear failure due to our experience trying to exist in an environment controlled by elitist. Do you have kids? If not this is a golden time to really find yourself and explore your opportunities. No pending college savings to worry about or other mouths to feed. I often wish I could go back to truck driving, but can’t because I have a child and can’t find a local day driving job. But for me trucking was a really good fit, it was very visually stimulating. Boredom is my constant toxic enemy.
I think the more your learn about your ADHD and who you are, the more you can know what works for you and what doesn’t and not feel guilty or bad about it. I think a lot of my decisions resulted from not knowing myself because I was always trying to be someone else, so I didn’t even know who I was, what I wanted or what was good fit for me.
Good Luck, God Bless, I’ll be praying for you.
Be kind to yourself, we only have this one life, don’t apologize for who you are.
You don’t have to change a thing, the world can change it’s heart.
July 30, 2017 at 2:09 am #55210
In reading this I thought of my daughter. She too has struggled most of her life. Fortunately we have insurance,not the best, but we do have Kaiser in Denver. Does anyone have a good psychiatrist to look for?
July 30, 2017 at 3:20 pm #55220
Everyone has such great advice
When you are frustrated and tired, advice is difficult to receive. Don’t read advice when you are in a state of being that causes you to reject.
Here is what I have to offer you
1. If you have a spiritual life, use it. It will help you to regain your center and perhaps repair important relationships.
2. Read through all the above advice again…when you’re ready
A. Have pen and paper
B. Pick out the pieces that are meaningful to you and write them down
3. Set goals and list objectives under no more than 3 goals THAT BRING REAL JOY AND FULFILMENT
Use your calender to schedule each objective
I wish you a blessed and happy life
July 30, 2017 at 3:37 pm #55224
Thank you Pinnacle. I think that’s a good idea, to reread the advice above when I have more clarity.
Although I’m not religious or spiritual, I thank you all for your prayers.
I wish all of you the best on your own journeys.
August 1, 2017 at 7:46 am #55336
lorraine74, try to help yourself with tDCS device with montage for ADHD. It was very helping to me and recover me from ADHD, without medication. For montage you can see: http://totaltdcs.com/ . I built my own device for tDCS, you could do it too or buy one.
I understand you, I am supporting you and I was born in 1974. 🙂
August 2, 2017 at 7:36 pm #55771
I understand. To sympathize, I recently had my drivers license suspended, car towed, and never even knew I was suspended. Because of not paying close detail to my traffic tickets, I never kept track of points and in haste pleaded guilty and paid fines to get rid of the tickets and ended up in this stupid mess.
Always feels like 1 step forward two steps back into a load of @&$”!
Get yourself out of any mess you can and work nonstop to fix it. Take the spare moments and work hard. It always pays off. Find your talents and spend brief moments in them. Even though I have overflowing closets of decluttering, I still spend time on my garden each day to see the beauty I created in my roses.
I take generic concerta and generic lexapro. But I still have to stay on top of my eyeglasses, phone, keys … and slow down before I run out the door and go.
I just look forward and not back. Celebrate every small success. It takes courage, and tenacity to fix finances. You can do it. Feel proud of your talents you can see and you may realize an opportunity or skill you have to improve your job situation.
It sounds cliche but we all have unique gifts! I have to realize that I am the jokester and quick wit and not the one in a group that can describe every detail of the neighbor s steps to sell her house. Oh well! That is me.
And you are you. embrace what you are and accept what you are not.
Good luck and prayers. Please touch base with your status. We want to support you.
August 2, 2017 at 11:17 pm #55773
I’m so glad that you posted this Briemma
Us A.D.D.ers tend to give up quickly especially when things are difficult. Your perseverance reminds me that pushing through has rewards
August 3, 2017 at 6:15 am #55777
Wow I have so much respect for everyone in this thread and I think you are all truely amazing people who I encourage to keep going, my situation is a little different from most others here, I live in the UK, do have a family that believes in ADD and ADHD and i had just turned 18 when I got tested but I can share a lot of your feelings and experiences in a sense, my little brother exhibited early signs of having ADD, I’m talking around 3/4 and wasn’t able to get properly diagnosed and medicated until several years later. It was a long process for my mum and dad who really struggled to get him the help, at this time they were asked if they wanted any of their other children tested to see if they had ADD as well, I was around 11/12 by this stage and they said no there was no way I had it, I mean I had always not just done well in school but excelled and seemed to have no trouble with my memory as I could remember things from years ago. However over time I felt things get harder and harder I forgot what people had asked me to do which led to many fights with my parents. I would find myself zoning out in class then panicking when I realised I hadn’t been listening. Trying to keep myself organised was so hard and revising and trying to keep my attention on the page was more difficult with every year and set of exams, having to reread over and over because I hadn’t been taking the information in. Things reached breaking point in my lower 6th year during my AS I was doing maths economics and physics I had got good grades in them in my gcse but from the offset I really struggled. My parents got me tutors and seemed to thing I just wasn’t trying but I was I was trying so hard and nothing was getting better. Thinking back I can honestly say during this time I was severally depressed, my brother who was being medicated was thriving in school top of his year group whereas I had slipped to the very bottom. Everything was so easy for my friends who I used to be on par with but now I worked harder than any of them stayed up late to put in the extra work to still do worse than them. I spent a lot of time frustrated and in tears cause I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, I even self harmed once because I felt so overwhelmed. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me I was positive I would fail the year and what would happen to my future then, I tried to tell my friends how bad it was but they thought I was over reacting, they only believed me when it came to results day and I got two E’s and U, it was honestly the worst day of my life I had never felt so ashamed or at a loss for where my life was going I had never even got a D before. I can’t speak for the US but schooling is tough in the U.K. It’s incredibly competive and you can’t even think about getting into university that’s half decent unless you’ve a minimum of 3 b’s and without uni there really wasn’t much chance of a good job. My mum and dad however unknown to me had organised for me to see that doctor who had asked them years ago if they wanted any other children tested. I went without much hope and told them I know I’m going to past the test it’s just me there’s no reason for my brain being so stupid but they made me go anyway and we had to fill out a questionnaire before hand and I was surprise at some of the questions and why they were relevant but also how they applied to me. “Do you tend to blurt out something without thinking about how it will affect others” yes, “do you have organisational problems” yes “do you find yourself zoning out” yes and so on, of course there were some that didn’t apply as it was a questionnaire for both ADD and ADHD and I was not hyperactive. But when my result from the tests came we went to the doctor again and he spoke to me by myself asking my about my school experience I told him how hard things had got and he called my mum and dad back in. He told them she 100% has ADD as well, I couldn’t believe it but as he explained it all it all made sense and I couldn’t help but cry. ADD and ADHD can have different symptoms in girls and sometimes be much harder to spot he also said that because I had been trying so hard for so long I had manage to mask my difficulties until final it became to much this year and I just broke. He’d seen my school reports and looking at them all from P1 to lower sixth there was a slow decrease in my scores that he said would have been much more apparent if I hadn’t been working so hard to try to maintain them. My questionnaire and tests backed this up and I just couldn’t believe after all this time I had ADD too. I am now medicated, made the tough decision to resist the year without my friends and changed subjects to more coursework based subjects that didn’t relie on one exam on one day that my memory had to remember everything I’d learnt, now I’m in upper sixth finally, I got 2 A’s last year and a C and I’m awaiting my final A level results next week with 5 university offers as well as an apprenticeship job offer with one of the leading accounting firms in the world. I know this was long but I really wanted to share my experience and hope it helps someone else, I know it’s not the same but staying behind with a year group of people younger than me that I didn’t know and all just assumed I was stupid was hard and I wanted to give it many times in those two years but I know if I had I would not have anywhere near as many good opportunities for my future as I do now. So please keep going, it’s a struggle for people like us and it’s not fair we have to work twice as hard to keep up but ADD and ADHD is not a sign of bad parenting and it didn’t mean I was stupid like I thought, my brain is just special, unique, it works differently and needs a little extra help at times to allow me to reach my full potential and so does yours. I wish you all the best!
December 28, 2017 at 9:52 pm #71712
Accept yourself. You are who you are, even when you’re trying to be a better version of yourself- self compassion is important. It’s not your fault that you have ADD, you’re not a failure, you’re doing the best you can. Sometimes it sucks, and sometimes its okay. When you have the energy or the motivation- ride the wave. When you don’t, do the best you can. Don’t over complicate it- don’t pile it on when you’re already under water, and whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to other people. My ADD effects every part of my life. For better and for worse. Every time I take stock in all the twists and turns and tangles my ADD has gotten me into I find myself repeating the phrase “it is what it is.” A hundred times a day. The first time I took ADD meds it was like magic. The world was re-ordered in a way that I could actually manage. I had to stop taking them because I have too many sensitivities to the side effects. The only thing that has saved me is self acceptance. It’s easy to say and hard to find but worth working towards.
January 19, 2018 at 11:43 pm #74202
Amb I just looked this up and discovered this comment section, but now I know that people have WAY worse ADHD problems than me. You’re not alone, I’ve trashed relationships and dissapointed people more times than anyone could wish. Really, I hope your situation improves and that everything can get back on track in your life. It may not help a lot considering I can’t really relate my problems to yours, but you could try meditation to help relive a bit of stress, it’s helped me in the past with hectic days and panic attacks, it could possibly help you. Try to keep a positive mental attitude and continue working hard, you’ll reach your goal one day!!
February 9, 2018 at 11:49 am #76115
I hear you, Amb. I’m on a journey myself at the moment. My therapist recommended Brene Brown’s books, “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “I Thought it Was Just Me” to help me work through the soul crushing shame of never feeling good enough. I think it’s helping, but the confidence and shame comes in waves, yet. Along with anxiety and dread. I have also in the past made some unfortunate financial decisions, lost a house, filed for bankruptcy, etc., but have made strides since then. You CAN if I can, but it’s not a race and it’s not an even course. I only paid cash for at least a year after the bankruptcy. I gradually allowed myself one card to boost my credit score, and still pay it off every week. So far over one year without a late payment or an interest charge. Yea!!! I am looking at this as my life, my journey, and I’m reading and thinking and trying to take care of myself – please do the same. You are a wonderful person, I’m sure…kind, sympathetic, encouraging to others…you have wonderful qualities. You are worthy. The mistakes are just mistakes, and you are as entitled to have them as the next person. So, get thee to a library, get a journal, learn to meditate (it actually changes our brains!) and follow the advice for meds and therapy as best you can from the other posts. Yep. Baby steps. Breathe! And blessings to you, my friend!
May 14, 2018 at 11:46 am #84163
You posted this almost one year ago. To put it bluntly, you alive?
I’m twenty years old, recently diagnosed with ADD. I’m now realizing how … whole life encompassing it is. And now reading this, it’s … partly refreshing from the whole “ADD people can be just like everyone else!!” “He’s strategies!!”, and partly terrifying to see what the path twenty years ahead of me looks like.
I hope you’re alive, because honestly it’d give me a little something to not … fall down the rabbit hole. I’m hitting the point where between ADD, anxiety, depression, now being medically discharged from the army for those things… I searched “ADD is ruining my life” (yes, a direct quote of my search) for a reason.
At the very least, I hope you’re alive. Please.
May 14, 2018 at 12:28 pm #84172
Hello! Yes, I’m happy to report that I’m still alive, and don’t have any immediate plans to change that. I’m still struggling, but I’ve made some lifestyle changes (diet, exercise, swapping prescription meds for St. John’s Wort) that have helped me out quite a bit on my journey. Your life does not need to look anything like mine in 20 years. You have the advantage of having been diagnosed at a much younger age than me, and by the time you’re my age they’ll have made more discoveries about ADD which might help you. You have to remember too that you’ll have ups and downs along your own journey. Right now you’re experiencing a low, but what I’ve learned is that even in my darkest hours, there’s always something I can do to make progress. Be kind and gentle to yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
July 10, 2018 at 1:39 pm #87935
You got this. You have so much support and love here. If you need any help with exercise, I am a personal trainer and would be more than happy to give you free advice as well. I hate to hear about how add is ruining peoples lives. It really breaks my heart. I know its sooooo hard. It seems impossible. I am happy things are getting better. Always reach out here for support
July 10, 2018 at 11:22 pm #88016
I don’t understand why American’s don’t have a referendum on healthcare? March for it, surely there are more American’s that would benefit from Universal Healthcare than those who do not want it? All the government would need to do is dissemble a few military bases! Or hold, “Let’s Not a Drop a Bomb Month”, once annually!
As for advice, it is shit, but use your add, debt doesn’t matter, money doesn’t exist its all numbers on a screen, I presume you have a passport, as you used to live in the UK? Get a shitty job save up for a one way ticket, then travel, get bartender jobs, do anything, but see the world, its better to be in debt somewhere beautiful and to feel free, than to have to live at your parents and feel the pressures of a society that your brain isn’t suited to function in.
July 29, 2018 at 4:09 pm #89726
Charlie Parker unfortunately not having $ cn cause a domino affect. I domnt agree that it is just numbers on a screen. If certain bills are not taken care of, notor vehicle will not allow you to register your car, If your car is not registered you will likely be pulled over and given a ticket= $. If those tickets are not paid- license suspended =more $$. If license suspended oe cant get to work = loss of job and no $. If you attempt to drive – possible jail time. With incarceration one cannot get security clearance for certain jobs. And bad credit leads to difficulty obtaining a mortgage. With that said, I would recommend the various resources I and others have provided. Set up payment plans to show good faith. But dont just ignore it. Good luck
August 3, 2018 at 2:05 pm #90226
Hi, amb. I have a lot of trouble beating myself up too. Don’t do it. You’re different, not bad. Having ADD does make a “standard issue” life harder. So why bother trying to fit into that mode? Your life is unique. I’m not being flip. You’ve received a lot of good advice about doctors, medicine, etc. through the replies. Now, you think nothing positive has happened, it’s all been negative. But I bet there’s been some good even though it may be hard to find in your present frame of mind.
It sounds like you are the kind of person who cares about his family even when they are not being understanding. You’ve been able to make friends. Some of the friends have fallen away or you feel like you pushed them away. Maybe that’s true but you can make new friends and you have learned from your experience what some of the issues have been. And, don’t assume other people are perfect so that makes you bad. Lots of people don’t know how to be friends with people like us and that’s not on you.
Your post demonstrated that you are a great writer. Trust me, I edit people’s writing as part of my career and MOST people are not. ADD people have a way of analyzing issues and seeing the connections to solve a problem that others do not have. This is a positive.
ADD people are smart. We are creative. We can see things big picture and small. Part of having a click-along brain is we see what to do, or the end result in clear view, but then we struggle with the stick-to-it to make it happen. I once had a therapist tell me that I am always going to have a Lot more ideas than I will Ever be able to carry out. That really stuck with me because I would have an idea, get started on it, and 3 months later all the materials and the 1/4 of the way finished project would be piled on top of the one before that or after that. Then I’d call myself lazy or a dummy or someone else would. So now an idea comes along, and I say, hmmm, another great idea. How about that? So I’ve learned not to trap myself that way.
ADD people are funny. I bet you are too. We are the ones who can see the patterns fast enough to make a sarcastic comment in a split second. Sometimes that gets me in trouble and I’m guessing it does you too. I’m still funny though, even without the sarcasm. (Just roll your eyes inside your head.) I like to make my friends and family laugh. People need humor in their lives. Just don’t tease and it’s all good.
ADD people are brave. We say the things other people wish they could say. Not a lot of beating around the Bush with us. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But I would rather do that than listen to people mewly mouth so you have no idea what their point of view is.
I have also found that sometimes people are jealous of those of us who can see big and small, who make quick connections, who can see solutions in just a few moments thought. Those are the kind of people who will bring you down in the workplace because they didn’t think of it first. Also, most people think you have to dither about a solution. If a thought out decision can be made in 5 or 10 minutes, then it must not be the right one, right? So it’s rejected, a not ideal decision is made instead, and you later have to hold in the “I told you so.” So sometimes I pretend to give something a great deal of thought before coming back with a solution introducing it step by step so they think they thought of it themselves. It’s a pain in the a** but it’s just part of the standard issue world. I just want a good outcome, I don’t really care about how I get there. I was recognized for my idea ability and promoted to a supervisor position at one job. Hated it. I got so stressed I had to quit for my own health. So now I just work, enjoy it, and go home.
You’ve got enough sense to ask for help. Also a positive. Think about all the judgmental people who think They don’t need help. Lots of “normal” people screw up their lives and never think to consider the role they played in disaster. Thus, they will not learn. You are able to take responsibility and learn. Good for you.
Don’t dwell on the past. Yes, it’s there, you can’t change it, but it does Not totally control you. Every day is new, freshly made just for you.
ADD people have to start over a lot. But we do it. You’ve done it. That is a positive right there.
Make a list of what you consider your positive traits. Forget about ADD for the moment and just think of you as a whole. I bet there are more than one or two.
Write your life story. Consider that it has been unique. You’ve probably seen and done things that lots of people haven’t. This will probably allow you to see your life in a more humorous way. Maybe you could even do some standup comedy gigs around town….
You’re only 42. You’ve got a lot of life left in you. Make it your own.
August 19, 2018 at 11:47 am #91587
Sweetie, I really feel for all of you im 30, with 3 kids. I have ADD bad no hyperactivity…been on stimulant since 5 years old except they never worked and i was an addict who has been clean for 5 years. I cant keep my house clean..everythings clutteres..im a mess..dont know where to turn…the ONLY thing that has helped me at all is Neurontin which is now prescribed for depression and anxiety…im on 800 4x a day but still need help..If I find something i will let everyone know <3 its taking over my life…My poor children…I just want to be that organized mom who can give them a clean home and get them to thing on time 🙁
September 21, 2018 at 7:25 pm #99920
I can relate. Throughout my life ADD had caused me much hurt and trauma. I would get punished for forgetting things getting lost and daydreaming. Although my IS a bit above average i dropped out of school in the 8th grade because I could not find my classroom. And after so many times it just became to embarrassing. I took a bus to work at 16 with a transfer and although I rode the route many times when I forgot my transfer ticket and could not catch the next bus. I only because it was so cold excepted a ride from stranger i did not know in what direction to go to get home. He took me to downtown ally and raped me. That’s just one example. I could not hold job down because I was so disorganized. Our would show up for work on off days or vise versa. I have lost thousands and thousands of dollars due to forgetting dates and deadlines or losing paperwork it goes on. I was and am just miserable. I was out on skeletal for a short while and I felt my life change i felt human. However due to the addiction epidemic Dr. Are now reluctant and will not give me the only thing that gives me a functional life. I am to the point of suicid e yet my Dr believed it best to have a horrible life not worth living than to prescribe a addicting substance even though I have never abused drugs. I love in a small town and doctors are few. Well I may commit suicid e but at least I will not die an addict. People do not realize how many aspects of your life is impacted by ADD. Sorry to sound so depressing and I wish I knew what to do. I do understand though what you are going through. It is tough and sad. All I know to do is part for you.And me. I hate living in chaos and yet I can not fix it. Right now I have an insurance claim that I do not have the ability to get records together, so I just lose out. The sad thing is I have children so they lose out to. I recently lost my insurance because I forgot to renew.despite all the notes i left myself. Now that is costing me money I do not have. It never ends. I fear my daughter had it to and she is not getting the help she needs. Best of luck to you
September 22, 2018 at 7:13 pm #99953
This is what I’m afraid of if I have ADHD as I suspect after years of hell. I just wondered if there is a support group specifically for ADHD in your area? People who don’t have it will never fully understand, some people don’t believe it even exists.
I live in the Uk and if I get a diagnosis I won’t be telling everyone about it as I am afraid of the stigma.
If you can find a group they might be able to help you get the right help .
Wish you all the best
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