Acting out and feeling bad

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    • #103415

      Does anyone just get really worked up and frustrated when it comes to homework? My parents are just trying to help me understand and learn how to do concepts. And then I complain and yell and act out. I don’t mean to but I just do. It gets to the point where I just give up and put my head on the table,and let all of my thoughts and feelings flood in.And I feel so stupid in many different ways. At the end of the night I feel like a jerk, and a let down to my parents.. can anyone relate?

    • #103427

      Very much can relate to you. It’s demoralizing when I get so worked up that I just shut down after making a mistake. I don’t act it out, but it shows in my facial expressions and body language. I’ve had moments with my parents where I felt like nothing because I had messed up so bad. It still happens now & I’m 19, but I’m learning to manage & talk through my emotions, instead of letting them take control.

      It’s not easy dealing with ADHD, and it can seem as though, to others, that the negative moments that we have are a reflection of who we truly are. Why? Because ADHD affects the exact traits that deal with behavior regulation. Self-control, impulsivity, hypersensitivity, unawareness in social situations, all of these when presented to others contributes to low self-esteem (for me at least).

      So no you aren’t alone in your struggle, I’m here with you also.
      -Kendall Boults Jr.

    • #104264

      I can certainly relate. I’m in my 30’s now but dealt with this exact issue when I was in school. My parents despite their best efforts would always end up screaming at me. I finally realized the problem was that I was expecting more than they were capable of. They didn’t know how to teach me because they were expecting me to have the same level of experience they had. It can be very frustrating and the embarrassment you feel simply unleashed a tidal wave of emotions.

      My only advice to you is that how you’re feeling is very typical of ADHD and you can’t let it define you. Just get through the outburst, give yourself a bit of space to decompress and then when you and your parents are calmer have a talk with them about why you were upset and explain that you didn’t mean to take it out on them. I would also suggest that if this continues maybe you should consider finding somebody at school who can help with homework to avoid the stress at home. See if your school offers after-school homework or if you can work with a tutor on your homework; somebody who won’t have all these expectations of you and who is better trained to help you.

    • #104670

      It’s funny reading this because I was just like this well into my twenties and didn’t have a dx at the time. I’d rely on my mum to ask me helpful questions to find my way into an essay subject and keep me focused and listen to my anxieties. But then if she didn’t seem to instantly get what I was talking about or what kind of work was expected of me (bearing in mind she doesn’t know the subject beyond what I tell her) get irritable and lash out and start freaking out generally. She was very patient because I think she understood that something was making it hard for me, but it can’t have been fun.

      Maybe you and your family can work on ways of recognising when you’re getting frustrated and short-circuiting the feeling. Either by doing something soothing like going outside or stroking the cat, or if necessary talking through your feelings. Try and talk dispassionately without boiling up – it gets easier with practice – as this will help you think through your situation without catastrophising. Then you’ll have an easier time putting your worries to one side and focussing your attention where it’s needed.

      However, my problem was more with executive function than understanding concepts – so as a poster above said, professional help may be more appropriate.

    • #104671

      TL:DR- Don’t worry, everyone with ADHD does it at some point. Try to take breaks when you can feel you’re getting stressed. Is there any particular subject you’re worried about that I might be able to give you study tips for?

      I can’t relate to this specifically, but I can relate to the outbursts and feeling like a massive letdown to the people you care about. What is important to remember is that your outbursts are not a sign that you can’t do the thing, nor that you don’t care about/like/love your parents, but they’re a symptom of your own frustrations. I don’t know how much your parents ‘get’ your ADHD, but if they’re trying to force you to stay in the situation (i.e. trying to force the concepts down your throat despite your discomfort/irritation), then they’re going about things the wrong way.

      As a potential aid (AID, not solution), you could try working out a system with them by which, when their attempts to explain start to become too much for you, you all take a step back from the situation. They go do something else, you go do something else, for 10-20 minutes, to disengage (set a timer, though), then you go back and try again. It may not help you get the work done, or the concepts in, but it may help the emotional outbursts. The important thing is to not try to just push through, but to stop when you see you’re STARTING to get worked up. Don’t wait, don’t leave it, nip it in the bud immediately, then try to come back.

      Someone else said about maybe seeing if a friend or teacher can help, and that’s a good idea, too. Another possible way to look into this is trying to engage with the topic in different ways. Something like Stackoverflow, or certain reddits, or other online forums may have different tutorials dealing with whatever your subject is. There may be audio shows, podcasts, or youtube channels dealing with the topics. Try looking into different ways to engage with the material, then only go to your parents and teachers with specific questions, or do it the other way round- go to them for the general explanation, then go off on your own to work out the bits you didn’t understand.

      Not everyone learns the same way, and not everyone has the same strengths and triggers. I, personally, learn best from reading things, typing up summaries, and trying to explain them to other people (either out loud, or with more typing). Trying to listen to people is really hard, and writing things by hand takes too long, and too much concentration. If I was writing this to you by hand, I’d have probably stopped after the first paragraph, because I just got tired from doing it.

      Another way to approach learning is to break it down into its component parts. So, for example, say I wanted to learn how cars work, I’d need to learn the different parts of the car (Bodywork, Chassis, Interior, Motor, Radiator, Oil and Fuel Chambers, Breaks, Pedals for starters), what each of them does/what their purpose is, how they interact with each other, and how burning fuel turns into motion. So I’d make a list of all the different parts, and what each of them does. Then I’d find out how they work with each other, so, what happens when I press the gas, and what happens when I press the brakes. What happens when I switch gears? And I’d go off and do this by myself, or I’d ask people about specific parts. You can do this with LITERALLY anything. Break the big thing that you know nothing about into little things you DO know something about, or that you know you need to learn about. I actually do this every day at work (I work in research), and I use this technique to understand things I know LITERALLY NOTHING about (Just to make this clear, I did my degree in Philosophy, but I work in real estate market research, despite having no training in real estate, markets, research, or business).

      Finally, is there any one subject, or set of subjects, that you’re struggling with? I may have more specific learning strategies you can try to use, depending on what they are 🙂 Sorry this got so ranty!

    • #104924

      I can relate to this a lot, as I have ADHD too. Generally, I tend to stuff my emotions because I felt bad acting them out or talking about them, but recently they have become too much and I have blown up at people and I hate it. Usually, I don’t cry, even when I want/need to, but it has become too much.
      To try and help with this I have a word document of emotions. I just sit down, listen to music and write. I just write almost everything and I share a few things with a few friends I trust completely and it helps.
      I’m just scared that I’m going to become like someone who has emotionally abused me and I don’t want to do that to anyone.

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