September 11, 2020 at 3:29 pm #183475
Hello dear brothers and sisters in ADD. I’m 29 years old and i got to learn this curse a year ago.
Please read below why i am so hopeless, drowning in n excess amount of anxiety and i suspect depression aswell. However this time i have nothing i can cling to..
It all started 2 years ago, precisely 1 year after i moved abroad for my masters degree.
It was a long dream of mine. I wanted to get away from familiar things, people (except my good friends) and my family, which had been over-providing me everything except love, sincerity and personal development. They both had no idea what add was (or is). To keep it short, since my high school my youthhood have been spent playing video games exceedingly (naturally i couldnt stop until i get exhausted), looking up to more successfull & cool all the time and wannabe like them or worse jealous, my self confidence on ground levels dont wanna start even with esteem. But ever since 20s (for master a bit later), there were two things i wanted MOST (and was sort of like my dream goals) to find a real LOVE and start my degree. It took me 5 years to finish a 44 years degree.
Now the real thing… almost 3 years ago, i got both of these, ALMOST simultaeonusly! First, i met my love and a very spontaneois trip and few weeks latter i was able be accepted a good uni abroad (mind you like 2.5 hours away by flight).
We fell in love so fast and unexpectedly.. it was a dream for me. That dayz even tho i never said, i made it my mission also unite with her in addition( she was living not too far from my new city, albeit another country)
But my time abroad didnt happen as i wantws it to be. I got to know (i knew before but was doing rarely) MARIJUANA. Ever since i have been spending and smoking on it in a crazy amount. I quit and returned at least 3 times, lengths vary. But because of this my courses were bad, 1 year after i staryes to get a panic attack back at home when i realized how i f*d up and thought about uni. This is the beginning of nightmares…
Next semester, i discovered a different side of mine: I can actually be self confident,actually think , learn and focus (things which i almost never had). I forced myself to be really disci9lined and did well as far as i could, but through the end of semester my mental tiredness really were unbearable. This ‘disciplined’behaviour also affected my relationship… we broke up next months, however i didnt take it serious and when i asked her a few months later again to meet, my life was collapsed. She didnt want to see me anymore.
It was a magical time. For 2 years i was only worried about uni(way too much, another factor on breakup), i never knew such time in my life , i enjoyed everything i was doing.
So ADD Cost me perhaps the only person that really loved me besides my mon( she loved me but was very neglectful).
1 year is wasted in my life, no progress in uni or in my life exceot endless cycles of similar thoughts and hating myself.
But i kept going on. I tries to use that love pain to aid me in uni, but worked only for a while. Try, fail,try , fail. Always smoked weed in between.
NO!! NOT Happening. I was never diagnosed, but i have been reading, searching about my condition since my breakup, and after countless self diagnosis and random crap, this is what i am. I thought i might have borderline too.
My diagnose was confirmed by an online therapist though she wasnt add expert, and sadly most hospitals and insurance therapist offices are used for COVID.
Why i am about to give in? I failed a course which i studied whole semester for. Why? Becase just qbout a month before exam, my situation showed itself like mo other. I tried to resist, i knew it was bad for me, i knew i shud have been studying for exam and stop doing random things just to make time pass. I couldnt and in addition i started weed aswell. I failed it. I knew almost eveyrhing by heart but that last hit was very heavy. I was going to finish uni this seasonz i can’t anymore, because they wont let me start my thesis because of this failure. Worse, my parents wont support me anymore, because i didnt tell them yet. They think i will write thesis.
Fail, fail, fail , fail. I also read Driven to disteaction. I was on a good path of traiming my add from april to mid june when things i mentioned above started.
I am like this because i was imagining to set my own life, be master of my own life, and most importsntly, BE HAPPY! I couldn’t and my hope in myself is getting ever lower, because i couldnt better myself, destroyed my dreams. I see currently no light in the end of tunnel. I try, i fail and i throw myself to the rock bottom. Because each try gives me a bit hope, motivation… but happening constantly..is hard to stanf against. I try to listen to myself and sort of feel that lack of consistency is a major factor, because consistency means progress, which means success and self confidence. It really hurts me having the capability but not being able to use it because of this psychologic barrier.
Sorry for long post, i couldnt keep it shorter.
Peace, your Add brother in arms
- This topic was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Marquis.
September 11, 2020 at 3:47 pm #183479
Sorry for massive typos and grammar errors
Typing on a semi-broken phone.
September 11, 2020 at 4:05 pm #183481
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. You’re being very hard on yourself and it sounds like you could use some help! Have you thought about telling all of this to a professional who could give you an official diagnosis and perhaps suggest some resources for you, or medication, if that’s something you might want to try? It sounds like you’re self-medicating, so finding an effective medication might help with your ADHD, and the anxiety and depression you’re feeling as a result of your ADHD symptoms.
Having a diagnosis might also help you to get back on track with school – universities are often able to make accommodations for students who need extra help, like changing the way tests are administered, extending deadlines, etc. If you like what you were studying in Uni and were close to finishing your program, maybe talk to someone at your Uni about your struggles too, and see if they can help you make a plan to get back on track. There’s no shame in taking longer to complete your degree, you just need the right help and maybe some accommodations for exams.
I don’t have ADHD, but I know from experience with other struggles that our problems feel the biggest when we’re trying to hide them from everyone. Being open about what you’re going through is the first step to being able to get help and tackle your problems. You don’t have to do it alone!
September 14, 2020 at 9:34 am #183657
I’m sorry you’re in such a dark place. It can be a real challenge to pull yourself out of this hole, but you can do it.
I agree with leftie22 that ADHD treatment could really help, and can replace the Weed in your life. You can’t expect ADHD symptoms and struggles to improve if you don’t address them.
Mistakes and challenges are part of life. No one has everything go just right for them all the time. No one! Learn from these challenges. Now you know what got in your way of passing that class, so you can try again better prepared for success. Now you know what got in the way of your relationship working, so you are better prepared for the next relationship.
Life is full of failures. You can see them as failures… or you can choose to see them as lessons.
Please reach out to someone for help. There’s a suicide hotline in your area if you feel you might harm yourself: https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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