1st post; 5 years in, 5 to go…

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults 1st post; 5 years in, 5 to go…

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    • #73692
      MaineDad
      Participant

      My first post. I have subbed for years, read the articles. 5 years ago today, my wife walked out, left for greener pastures, left me alone to raise a loveable, but challenging 9 y/o boy with ADHD, depression and anxiety. She has had little involvement and minimal support. They don’t get along as they have similar personalitys. I’m the Lone Ranger, he is my responsibility 24/7. It’s all I can do to keep my job, always behind, and running out of leave, due to Dr.’s visits, meetings, etc. 504 at school and SUPER staff at the Jr. High are supportive, unlike gradeschool. He is medicated, but has rages, punches walls, yells, etc. 13 y/o, he wants his independence but has to be watched 24/7. I will not get him a phone, and PS4 use requires my eyes on attention. He still has meltdowns in stores when I say “No”. Very embarrassing. I feel like the whole town knows my story and looks down on me as a “bad parent”. He has friends but tires them out at times with his selfishness. I gave up on dating 3 years ago, no time and he requires my 100% attention, or so the counselor told me. Who wants to date a Dad with a special needs kid anyhow, right? LOL! I’m stressed, burned out and having mixed feelings. I love my son, my greatest gift I ever received, but I’m growing resentful, counting down the next 5 years when he can go his own way. I’m tired of the stress, his temper tantrums, screaming and name calling. Asking him to do basic chores turns into a screaming match. We do have fun and get along at times, but its like walking on eggshells. 5 years … and yet I’m afraid the stress is killing me (stomach issues). Family won’t help much as he burned bridges with them as well. I just wanted to post to thank others I have been reading and relating with. One day at a time.

      • This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by MaineDad.
      • This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by MaineDad.
      • This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by MaineDad.
      • This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by MaineDad.
    • #73759
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      It is, most definitely, one day at a time, one small step at a time.

      I have two thoughts to get you on a better path:
      1. His medication is likely not doing all it can or should. I would schedule an appointment with his prescribing doctor and try some changes.

      2. Since your current parenting approach is not getting many positive results, it’s time to make a change. I HIGHLY recommend Ross Greene’s books, The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings. Greene teaches parents that behavior is not the actual problem, only a symptom of the problem. The behavior is your child’s way of communicating something to you. Your job as the parent of a child with ADHD is to be a detective — find out WHY that behavior is occurring (the real problem) and address that. This approach changes our lives, and so many countless others.

      Here’s more help:

      Free Parent Resource: ADHD Discipline Strategies

      Free Webinar Replay: ODD and ADHD: Strategies for Parenting Defiant Children

      Become the Parent Your Child Needs

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #73846
      MaineDad
      Participant

      Thanks for the advice. I read the book, while it offers great insight, it doesn’t work for all. Day by day. Meds; yes, a fluid and ongoing experiment. Thanks for the suggestion.

    • #74553
      IsThereHope?
      Participant

      ‘… counting down the next 5 years when he can go his own way…’
      If it were only that simple. Your son will need your help his entire life. The ’24/7′ commitment will diminish as he can live more independently but you will always remain an absolutely vital support in his life. He will depend on you to be there to help him when times are rough (and with ADHD times are often rough).

    • #76670
      forlucyslove
      Participant

      I read your post and just wanted to say “thank you”. I spend a lot of time frustrated and feeling a little sorry for myself because of all of the issues in my life due to my ADD symptoms. I can not imagine the stress and exhaustion that you experience daily. It really puts things in perspective when you know someone else struggles with so much more than you yet gets up every day and carries on. I think you are amazing. You have my support for what its worth.

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