15 yr old daughter and Social Skills

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    • #103903
      loricelona
      Participant

      Hello: My daughter is 15 yrs old and a sophomore in high school. She is good kids. Really never have any issues with her other than the usual – clean your room and please try to keep it clean, etc. Every day kid stuff. Socializing has been a challenge for her lately. This probably started in 8th grade. Others were growing up and moving onto new friends. She is still not as mature as we would have hoped. I wish looking back that someone or maybe my husband or I thought would have thought about keeping her back one year. Well our problem is finding one or two solid friends. She has a few friends in school and the we know this because all the teachers see her walking through school with her friends, eating lunch with her friends but keeping a good friend is hard for her. She doesn’t have that one or two friends to hang on the weekends with. We have alot of family friends we see a lot. Another issues is that she only dances. Many other girls are into sports and my daughter is not. She can be a bit clingy because she is quiet and when texting she can kind of be a nag. If she does not receive a reply back instantly she will text again and sometimes again until she hears from that person. She is now starting to become one that likes the drama scenes in school. You know when the girls fight or talk she has to be right in the middle and then text others to get information, etc. Sometimes I believe she is just trying to fit in and is definately missing the social ques, she’s not to on top of when someone is being sarcastic. If someone doesn’t like her she’ll text them and ask them why and then becomes defensive so she starts a fight. Today she sent a text to a friend saying she had an exboyfriend (mind you this was for one week, and she is not to be dating because we do not feel she is mature enough) and told her friend that the boy had threatened her. Well after much questioning and discussions she admitted to lying. We have taken all electronics (as we monitor them daily anyway) but we just want to control this impulsiveness. My question is….. why would she make up such a lie. We explained how much trouble this boy could have gotten in (she is also punished for the lying). When we ask why she needs to constantly text someone until she receives and answer, or why does she need to be in the drama and on occasion why does she need to start the drama and also why would she make up such a lie, she’ll continue to answer “I don’t know, I can’t tell you why, I don’t know”. My husband is beside himself and wants to know why she’s not maturing. I’m not defending her behavior. I explain to her all the time that she is becoming annoying to people when she constantly texts them because they didn’t answer and then on occasion argues with them. She is completely wrong. I just need some advice. I have had her counsel but she really doesn’t say much so the counsel thought that it was a waste of time. I am actually beginning a meditation class with the Transendental Meditation organization which has had much success with ADHD children and their impulsiveness. Could anyone tell me what they think, if they have experienced anything like this situation. Any thoughts????? Please. Thank you..

    • #103910
      Boomer
      Participant

      Our 15yo daughter is a Freshman, and really only at about 7th grade level emotionally. We’ve experienced many of the same things, she was fine until mid-7th grade when all her peer girlfriends really started maturing and leaving her behind. There were a few times we heard her on the phone crying, trying to get an explanation from friends why they didn’t want to hang out with her. Our daughter also creates drama, says (to friends, not us) that she is suicidal, that she can’t stand her homelife, that we scream at her etc. The reality is our homelife is quite pleasant. So the question (like your daughter) is why the “lies”? She has been to a behavioral specialist (who also administers her ADD meds) and he is not concerned about her suicide notes, telling this to friends etc. because nothing else she does is alarming, she is not withdrawn, she seems happy with current friends (like yours, they are more school friends, than good one on one friends) she keeps up with schoolwork, she is active in many sports activities etc. So all this is quite a mystery to us too. Something seems to drive them to create drama, or in their minds they are creating something that doesn’t exist, but they think is real. I am concerned that this will extend to stories about friends and “boyfriends” and she will get herself or someone else in trouble for no reason. I’ve already had some awkward conversations with other parents when their daughters tell them about our daughters behavior. We have gotten the “I don’t know” answer from our daughter many many times when asking for an explanation. Honestly we are hoping she will gradually mature and catch up with everyone else. She does seem to slowly be getting better.

    • #103915
      katherine4
      Participant

      I would not allow her to have a phone, but I wouldn’t frame it as a punishment. Tell her you disagree with the texting and social media culture and that it doesn’t lead to good things, ie, lots of self created drama, gossip, talking behind people’s backs, and worse (not to mention being an incredible time waster). She will likely have a fit, but stick to your guns and make up for it as much as you can by arranging cellphone-free get togethers with friends outside of school. ADHD aside, I think the cellphone culture amongst middle school and high school kids is absolutely out of control and it amazes me that parents collectively are allowing it to go on.

    • #103917
      Boomer
      Participant

      Our 15yo daughter is a Freshman, but emotionally more 7th grade. She too began to lose close friends a couple of years ago as her girlfriends matured more quickly.
      Our biggest concern has been self created drama ie telling friends she feels suicidal because her homelife is horrible with yelling parents etc. Reality is our homelife is quite peaceful for the most part. We’ve taken her to a behavioral specialist in ADD who is unconcerned about the suicide talk and notes, saying many kids see suicide talk as the latest trend and want to jump on the bandwagon. I’ve had to be in uncomfortable talks with parents when their daughters express concerns about our daughters talk. The reality is she doesn’t exhibit any other suicidal tendencies, she is not withdrawn, keeps up with school work, has many casual friends. Like you, we wish she would be able to develop some close relationships. It has been sad hearing her talk to former friends, wanting answers as to why they no longer want to hang out with her. We do see slow improvement in maturity. I wanted to answer you to let you know your daughter isn’t the only one going through this. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job talking to her and explaining consequences for “making things up”. Most of the time we get the “I don’t know” answer too.

      • #103931
        loricelona
        Participant

        Thank you for your advise. I completely agree with you on the cellphones. Our children (and even most adults) have become addicted. Social media has destroyed society. My son is 21 and society has changes in the five year difference between my children. Navigating parenting has become challenging. We really never had this issue with my son as cellphone became more prevalent as he entered high school compared to my daughter when it was up and coming by late elementary. Also, not much drama with boys as with girls. My husband and are also baffled s to house schools now allow kids to have them in class. But thank you again. I really didn’t want to make this so much a punishment and your advice has helped.

      • #103932
        loricelona
        Participant

        Boomer…. thank you so much for your response. It’s nice to know (which sounds wierd because I really don’t want to see another child going through this) to know we’re not alone. My daughter has lied also (basically made up stories) and as she had pushed friends away she too will ask over and over “why don’t you like me, etc”. This is so not easy. I do see a slow process in her maturity and have been told by counselors this is normal for ADHD kids to mature slower. It’s a struggle and sometimes exhausting staying on top of her but we believe it will work out. It’s just hard to watch her. You know, it breaks our heart . My son was so different and boys aren’t really into drama. He is now 21 and in college.
        She is doing well in school. Good grades, teachers love her. Well behaved and a polite student. Loves to volunteer when the school needs help. She is actually on the school Helping Community, an assistant dance teacher at dance and a member of the dance team which dances in nursing homes and other community involvement. She dances 3 days a week and so far hasn’t pushed anyone away at dance.
        Well again thank you. You have helped us feel better. We live in Massachusetts if by chance you live nearby it would be great to meet and talk. Not many parents understand this. If not, I wish you and your daughter well. 😊

    • #103981
      Boomer
      Participant

      Hi Lori,
      Well, I’m across the country from you in California, if you know a way to private message via this system we can swap email addresses! Our daughters sound very similar, tons of activities (my daughter is on two swim teams) but very odd behaviors, some concerning, some just strange. I didn’t even scratch the surface with my last reply.

    • #104078
      loricelona
      Participant

      Boomer…. Very sorry for this late response. I have begun the Transendental Meditation program (TM) with my daughter for the past 4 days. You should really take a look into the website. Many CEOs, hollywood (not that I’m influenced at all by hollywood), Veterans with PTSD and many college age and high school students have benefited from this meditation. I researched after seeing it on Good Morning America and during their segment there was a mention of ADHD kids and adults who had benefited from it. We have had a great experience. Actually see some very faint results within the four day program. Tonight was our last class and my daughter is willing to try this meditation because she finds that within four days she has found clarity and more focus in class. We will see.
      My email is loricelona@gmail.com Please at any time reach out. I would love to communicate with another mom who understands me. Thank you again for responding to me. Happy Thanksgiving.

    • #104276
      cstan
      Participant

      This is hard. …adhd kids are less mature. My 23 year old son does stuff that baffles us… He was gossipping to us about customers at work and we said that gossip was never a good idea and tends to backfire and he said he felt included when he gossipped with people at work. But at what price?… you have all my sympathy

      • #104425
        loricelona
        Participant

        cstan: Thank you for your response. As you had mentioned regarding your son getting into gossip … my daughter seems to always be in the middle of the high school drama. I try over and over again to talk to her about it. I went to an all girls high school, not easy but I stayed OUT of the GIRL DRAMA. I do understand in 2018 compared to the 1980s life is different. Girls in high school have always been mean, gossipy, very dramatic but now with social media it is way out of hand. I really couldn’t even imagine but we will continue to talk about gossip and drama. Wish us well. Good luck to you too. Its a hard road but we’ll all stay strong. Thank you.

    • #104295
      kmerriam90
      Participant

      I was this girl. I still am some days, but I am a lot better than I used to be. The only person I text over and over is my husband and that’s not very often anymore.
      I get in fights on social media a lot and I feel like I can’t control it and I don’t know why I do it. Again, that is better than it used to be. I used to get into really nasty fights every other day and now its maybe once or twice a month.
      I get really nervous if I am going into a social event without my meds because I miss a lot of social cues and because of that, people think I’m weird. Well, I am weird, but it’s a black lips, nerdy, bookworm kind of weird, not a social pariah kind of weird. I never had friends in high school. Plenty at school, but no one ever invited me anywhere or accepted my invitations. To this day, I have yet to throw a party that people actually came to. My kids’ birthday parties is as good as it gets.

      So, there is hope for her. I am 28 now, so it’s a very slow going, but I have hope that I will continue to improve. She just needs your guidance more than other kids and you will have to be more patient with results and be her rock and support when she makes her entire world crumble over and o er. She will need that stability. I’ve improved more over the last 4 years than I had prior and that has a lot to do with have my husband by my side through all of the chaos keeping me grounded.

      Good luck!

      • #104421
        loricelona
        Participant

        Thank you so much for your response. Yes the STRUGGLE IS REAL. It is hard to watch on many occasions. I try to help her with the missed social cues and many other struggles she goes through. She, like your son, has many friends at school and some (as you have mentioned) are names that I believe she misunderstands as “a friend”. I pray every night to God above and yes He has gotten us this far and I believe He will continue to guide us down this road and there will be a lot of good ahead. She is a great kid. Never in trouble at school, has a heart of gold and very caring and all those personality traits makes it harder to watch. I wish you lots of luck ahead. You have my email if you would like to keep in touch or ever need another mom “who gets it” to talk to please feel free to reach out. Honestly, mom’s need each other. loricelona@gmail.com

        I believe this reply was sent to the wrong individual. If so I’m sorry. I am trying to reply to all and I believe I’ve made a mistake. I’m new to this site. Sorry.

        • This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by loricelona.
      • #104426
        loricelona
        Participant

        kmerriam90:

        Thank you for your response. It is really nice to hear from someone who has lived it or is still living it. A perspective from the individual is very helpful. I wish you peace each day. I say PEACE because I love to know that my kids wake up and have a calm in them, especially my daughter. I have not been clinically diagnosed with ADHD, but I have always had a comprehension issue in school as well as focus issues. My mind has 20 avenues running at the same time. My husband and son tell me that I remind them of a chipmunk they watch in our yard. Running everywhere like lightening. That’s how my mind works. It never calms. That is why I decided to try the Transcendental Meditation with my daughter and I’m actually sleeping way better at night whereas two weeks ago (before meditation) my nights consisted of so many years of getting into bed and thinking and thinking and overthinking. My children’s pediatrician has informed me that “he is not diagnosing me BUT he has seen enough to know I have adult ADHD.” I appreciate your insight as to the texting because as you mention you text your husband we have informed our daughter to text family instead of friends (which we monitor and have alerts now). She has had social media arguments which have led to taking her phone and monitoring. I thank you for your advice.

    • #104302
      djfreshyinlv
      Participant

      This is such a wonderful platform for parents who may feel they are all alone then find HOPE through “Hearing Other People’s Experiences.

      My 14 yr. old son is a freshman in H.S.
      I’ve dealt with the same issues for a very long time. He struggles terribly with making & holding onto friendships. Everyone at school is “his friend” yet he doesn’t even know their names. He also struggles and misses social cues. I’ve witnessed it at several church outings. It is so painful to watch as a parent. He too, when asked why he does certain things, responds with IDK.. he is very impulsive as well as immature for his age so at times does things that are super annoying but doesn’t stop when asked. This is extremely frustrating.

      I try to point out different situations that have taken place that could’ve been avoided with some awareness but to no avail.. His perception vs. the reality of situations is always off which causes huge emotional meltdowns.

      THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

      He does not have a phone or video games. I learned the hard way that he was too immature for both. Kids are cruel at this age. Although I didn’t want him to feel different for not having the techy things that most kids have, he got himself in trouble with both so I just took them away. Two less things for issues to occur around. Yeah, the internet is a dangerous place for an impulsive, immature child. He tries so hard to fit in but always appears awkward. I catch myself wanting to fix it all so he doesn’t feel rejected. I remind myself that this is just a “season” in my child’s life. One that will fly by just as the last 14 years have. I have faith that he will learn to manage his impulsiveness, begin to recognize social cues and as he matures, life will fall into place. It’s just one day at a time.

      He is a great kid with a kind and compassionate spirit. I just wish he had one besty that accepted him for him. I try to encourage him to invite some of the kids he speaks of to hang out on the weekends but he “forgets”…
      EVERYTHING.. Bless..

      It’s difficult being a child with ADHD, and equally as hard to parent at times. But I remind myself that God has carried us for 14 years and will continue to do so. He has a plan for my son! He will thrive & survive and your daughter will too!

      • #104354
        kjsalz
        Participant

        djfreshyinlv – Your 14 year old freshman boy sounds EXACTLY like my son, Noah. Seriously, at first I thought my husband was writing under a pseudonym. LOL! We also soothe ourselves with the thought that this is only a season of his life. Noah’s social frustrations led him into what looked and sounded like depression to us (sleeping too much, lack of curiosity and interest in things, staying in his room), and talk therapy didn’t seem to be helping him. Not seeing “the reality of social situations,” our son stays in denial that there’s something he can do about this. He’s stuck in victim land. We pressed a new therapist to give us some answers about how best to support him and lift him out of depression. Was this just his ADHD or was there something else going on? It led to a diagnosis of high functioning autism spectrum disorder, formerly known as Asperger’s. I wish I could tell you that Noah accepted this diagnosis and went on to process it and decide how or what resources he will tap to overcome the associated challenges that have been identified. It’s now been 5 months since his diagnosis, he’s so far in denial that the mere mention of a spectrum of any kind will send him into a meltdown, and his therapist is stuck. My husband and I are researching camps for teens with the ADHD/Asperger’s combo and are hoping to get him to one next summer. Our hope is that professionals who have been where Noah is today (or have helped others who have) will have a better chance of reaching him.

        • This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by kjsalz. Reason: typo
      • #104422
        loricelona
        Participant

        14 yr old son/HS Freshman:(djfreshyinlv)

        Thank you so much for your response. Yes the STRUGGLE IS REAL. It is hard to watch on many occasions. I try to help her with the missed social cues and many other struggles she goes through. She, like your son, has many friends at school and some (as you have mentioned) are names that I believe she misunderstands as “a friend”. I pray every night to God above and yes He has gotten us this far and I believe He will continue to guide us down this road and there will be a lot of good ahead. She is a great kid. Never in trouble at school, has a heart of gold and very caring and all those personality traits makes it harder to watch. I wish you lots of luck ahead and I wish your son much success and happiness. I’m sure life will work out for us all. lol You have my email if you would like to keep in touch or ever need another mom “who gets it” to talk to please feel free to reach out. Honestly, mom’s need each other. loricelona@gmail.com

    • #104432
      Haydenosuna25
      Participant

      Hi everyone, I am reading all these and now I feel like I am not alone . My son is 10 and tells ( stories ) lies and embellishes almost everything. Goes through friends pretty fast . I have a husband who is on board with it all but has no patience and it’s breaking me down , as I am going through menopause as well and everything is overwhelming.my son is number 1 though and I am so on board with anything to help him . I bought him a watch minder and it’s the best thing ever to snap him out of his moods and keep him on task in school, it’s just having to put out fires with his friends . He has a huge heart and sensitive, but boy when he has a bad day it makes my heart just drop .. I feel like having friends and keeping them will always be an issue . I am trying to teach him to value friendships and friends do not hurt friends . Anyways, I think we are all doing the best we can .

    • #104578
      Boomer
      Participant

      I would love to hear from parents of late-teen kids to see how this plays out in the future. I’m hoping that when our 15yo Freshman daughter is a Junior, she will make friends with the younger kids coming in as Freshman. Last week she went to a birthday party with a 4 year age spread, and spent the time happily hanging out with a couple of 12 year olds she met….

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