September 7, 2018 at 11:37 am #98400
So my daughter is 14 going on 15. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and Depressive Dissorder among other health conditions. I have 3 other children(7, 3 and 9 months) and my husband is an Over the Road Truck Driver, so I hold down the fort myself. I really need my q4 year olds help doing chores, it is unfeasible for me to do it all by myself. I try but I just can’t clean fast enough to keep up with all the kids. Well when my 14 year old is asked to do something she will literally take all day doing it, and a majority of the time never completes the task. I have tried positive rewards, money, screen time, etc but she still doesnt care. I have tried negative punishments, taking things away, losing screen time, grounding. I have learned its worse with negative discipline. Taking things away causes her to shut down, she wont do anything at all and just immediately gives up on trying to prove she deserves them. She has been mouthy, the other day she got smart with me saying she doesnt have any bills. My other 2 are starting to pick up on her behaviour as well. She also has been defying me. We dont allow eating anywhere but the kitchen but she scoffs at me and walks out into the living room to eat anyways. I installed screen time and told her to do her chores then she can have time so she found a way to get past the blocker and played instead. I asked her to do some laundry while I was out the other day, which is her main chore, and I found out when I got home she played on her phone the entire time. Then today I didn’t have any appointments so I decided to clean up some, did some dishes then went to do laundry and found a load stinking in the washer(happens a lot!) And a load sitting on top of the dryer, dryer wide open(can’t leave clothes out as it’s in the basement and we get massive massive spiders and tons of little spiders down there that have crawled into our clothes before). I’m sitting here trying to fix her mess, had to put all of my plans off to do so. The baby is screeching at the top of her lungs. I’m just done, I can’t deal with the disrespect and lack of giving a crap about anyone but herself! I need help with ideas on how to get her to do what she is told so I can actually keep up with things here! And I can’t take all 3 girls mouthing off to me because she wants to be a jerk! I’m thinking of just taking everything away and telling her she has 0 privileges and send her to her room, and somehow putting the fear of God in her for her mouth(everyone keeps telling me to show her sho is boss) but idk if that is going to work!
September 9, 2018 at 12:55 am #98519
Stop doing things for her. Allow her to have to fend for herself; all the while assisting the younger kids. Do this in a kind sprit–but ignore her. Tell her that since she is awants to do nothing for the household, then the household is unable and unavailable to provide sustainability . Provisions are unavailable to capable persons over 12 years old in THIS HOUSE.(When she has no clean clothing and spiders make their home in her clothing, no meals prepared by YOU, no phone or Tablet or other device access, no favorite shampoo or shower soaps—life will be really tough. No 14 year old wants to go to school HUNGRY, LOOKING CRAZY WITH MESSED UP HAIR AND UNABLE TO TEXT THEIR FRIENDS ABOUT IT!!
September 10, 2018 at 11:22 am #98838
What you’ve tried isn’t working so it’s time for a new approach. You’re missing the key step to improving this situation — finding out WHY she’s not completing tasks. It’s not that she doesn’t care. It’s not that she lacks the desire to please you. It’s not even that she doesn’t want to be helpful. If those were the reasons, punishment and rewards would work to resolve your issue.
Instead, think about this from the ADHD perspective. The ADHD brain is physiologically motived by interest and urgency, not by importance. So knowing she needs to do something for you doesn’t make her brain kick in to get it done.
As well, those with ADHD struggle with task initiation, planning and sequencing multiple steps, and finishing without getting distracted. What can help is a written, posted schedule of tasks for each day. Create a family calendar on the wall. Write up each task in step-by-step detail in a portable fashion (post-it-note, laminated note card, etc) and put it in her tasks on the days it needs to be done. When her tasks are done, she gets free time. Make each task as routine as possible.
And, remember, developmentally she’s 10 or 11. Make sure your expectations are appropriate and achievable.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
January 30, 2019 at 8:29 pm #107950
My 13 year old boy was recently diagnosed with adhd, anxiety and depression. I totally understand what you are going through. Some days I feel so drained from dealing with him and all of the arguing that he does. He constantly tries to purposely annoy me to get me to do what he wants. His defiant behavior got him to the point that he has no games, no phone and no ps4. Sometimes he acts like he doesn’t care and acts defiant, but believe me, he cares. He tries to annoy me to give it back and sometimes I get so desperate I want to give it back, but that only causes more problems. Try to stay firm and It will get better. It might take a while but it will get better. We got this.
February 5, 2019 at 3:00 am #108627
You’ve described my situation to a T and it’s exhausting. Beyond exhausting. Unless it involves ordering pizza, baking cookies or going to the movies, you would be damn sure my 13-year-old ain’t gonna do it, or will take all day. And, yes…..I’ve tried EVERYTHING.
February 7, 2019 at 2:17 pm #108818
So sorry to hear that about your 14 year old, that is very tough. I had a similar situation with my daughter, who eventually was diagnosed with ODD also. For me and my husband it was really hard at first, especially when we were not sure about how we were supposed to teach our daughter. We came in contact with a specialist, who told us that in order to help our daughter we needed more help than what we could possibly give as parents. When you say you are exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore, I think it’s because there isn’t something else you can do, at least not by yourself. When we finally received help from specialists, I saw results in my daughter. I found a link that I think could really help you out as it kinda describes the pressure that parents of kids with ADHD have to deal with. https://helpyourteennow.com/adhd-boarding-schools/
I wish you the best of luck! Keep being a great mom like you are!
February 7, 2019 at 3:29 pm #108892
Those boarding schools are way too expensive for my family. I cartainly wish I could afford something like that😩
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