12 yr old son issues help

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    • #112379
      jgroden
      Participant

      Folks we have a 12 yr old son who normally is a great kid
      Compassionate
      Loves animals
      Helps friends
      His marks in school are mostly B and some A
      He had his IQ tested at 145
      He is on Concerta 57mg per day

      He has always had some issues meeting friends and seems to be the class clown
      we moved to a new province last year and so far he is doing well in school and has had and done sleepovers

      Last week him and another kid thought it was a good idea after seeing on youtube using hand sanitizer and setting it on fire
      They did this on the bus and never got caught
      One day later I got a call to go in with my wife to school as him and same kid were showing kids in the bathroom the same trick
      There was no fire but other kids could smell matched burning and told principal

      My wife and I were really upset and he got a one day suspension
      we also pulled his Ipad, tv for one month as a deterrent

      Today he came home to tell me he wanted to use a magnifying glass to melt some snow in the backyard
      I told him not to be burning any branches and he said he wouldnt coz they were wet anyway
      When i looked out the yard to see where he was he was sitting on our stone porch trying to burn a leaf

      I am beyond upset and hoping im not going overboard but couldnt believe he was doing this again after my wife and i laying into him since last week

      Wondering now if he may need some counselling or is this a deeper ADHD/ anxiety issue
      Im at my wits end

    • #170621
      superlilabee
      Participant

      I also have a 12 year old son that is very iinterested in fire. He is genuinely curious about it, and has also watched YouTube videos related to these “experiments”. One thing that has helped is providing him with the tools to do his own science experiments, supervised of course. We subscribed to a monthly chemistry box that sends everything needed to complete a few experiments. Its educational and fun. Maybe your son is just really curious as well and this may be a good avenue to let him experiment and have bonding time with parents. Good luck!

    • #170953
      retrodad
      Participant

      Hello JGR,

      Dad with 12 old son here.

      For what it’s worth, let me share upfront that it took me, almost 2 years, to wrap my head around this.

      May I ask, what you’re upset about? Being embarrassed by the SCHOOL or that he disobeyed YOU?
      Based on your comments, his behavior sounds like normal boy stuff (ADHD or not).

      Yes, fire is dangerous and all that, but what’s the point of calling a “foul” when HE doesn’t know, understand or remember the “rules”?? Remember, learning correlations are a ongoing challenge.

      “He should know better”, “I told him 100 times already” – Flip those comments around to all the adults involved, regarding THEIR reactions to ADHD…does that change your perspective?

      If not, here’s another way to think about it, is it fair to expect a 12 year old child to “get it”, when the adults don’t?

      Deterrents are usually pointless and counter productive. It sounds like you may need to revisit the ADHD concepts on working memory, social awareness, neurotransmitter triggers, etc.

      Remember everything (including fire) is all new and exciting to him. Don’t kill his curiosity and learning curve. Do something productive with it.

      If you can be very conscious and realistic with your expectations and assumptions – your reactions will become one of acceptance and laughter, not frustration or anger.

      My biggest life changing moment was getting over my “authority” and “respect” for dad issues. His ADHD behavior has nothing to do with that.

      If you start with EMPATHY and simply accept the outcome as a learning curve for YOU, and not as a battle to change HIM, your relationships and his behavior, will INSTANTLY change for the better – I guarantee it!

      All the best,
      RetroDad
      Alphabet Kids Sports Coach

    • #171054
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Sounds like curiosity to me. Yes, that can be dangerous, especially when he’s left to explore on his own. Take this interest and nurture the science and curiosity aspects of it. When you’re involved, you can explain the dangers of what he’s exploring and all the safety protocols to consider and put in place.

      His curiosity and exploration can serve him very well in life if it isn’t extinguished.

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #178413
      vtafuto
      Participant

      Hey guys,

      I am 25 and was diagnosed in kindergarten with severe ADHD. Just wanted to let you all know that I experienced curiosity as well. We with ADHD tend to bore very easily and have a very potent curiosity about commodities or subjects we take extreme fascination in. A lot of times, the home environment can play a big role in what an ADHD gravitates toward or finds extreme fascination in. There are really three different types of behaviors that ADHD children exhibit:
      – Thrill-seeking or curiosity: this behavior comes from a desire for immediate gratification like you’re experiencing
      – Reactivity: This behavior typically results from a change in activity, for example, being taken away from a fun activity, being told to go to bed or do homework – you’re likely to see a very extreme reaction to this change in circumstance
      – Attention/reaction-seeking: the child will ask silly questions, make noise or play silly videos – this behavior occurs to obtain a reaction from the parent or other person in the vicinity

      The first two are in need of discipline, the third needs to be ignored. I actually have a program on these behaviors if any of you would like to give it a try.

      • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by vtafuto.
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