Wow! After reading your response I feel like you hit the nail right on the head!
I DEFINITELY do have social anxiety and I’ve always known that… I rarely socialize at work with people, in situations where I am in a group outing regardless if I know people or not I’m typically not a conversation starter and I don’t speak unless spoken to first. I also do have sensitivity to the possibility of rejection. That comes from a really difficult past but I won’t go too much into that.
The depression part of it I’m sure has to do with the ADHD. I think I have over time become depressed because I have struggled to have the quality of life that I want because of my forgetfulness, my lack of organization, constant sleepyness and low performance at work due to procrastination. Also the fact that I ended up not finishing college and don’t have a degree… I feel like my career options have become limited and i really do want to go back and finish at some point but I’m afraid to make the same mistakes as before. Lack discipline and focus to the point where I flunk out. Sometimes I sit and really think “If I would have just done this sooner the outcome would have been in my favor.” Or “why do I lack confidence in my abilities so much to where I just avoid certain situations?” I have gone as far as to go out of my way to avoid situations where I don’t feel confident enough, and as silly as it may sound I find myself trying to avoid being in the same elevator as other people at the same time. I work in a high rise building and we have keypads on the wall where we select the floor number that we are trying to get to. It’s randomly assigned so if I say I’m going to floor 13 and someone else behind me says they are going to floor 5, sometimes it’ll put us in the same elevator and sometimes it won’t. If I know there will be other people in my elevator, I wait for the door to close and re-type in my floor number just to get a different elevator. It’s ridiculous I know but it’s the reality of what I face. That is a lot from the anxiety. When people I don’t know try to just be friendly and say something to me like “I like your shirt!” Or just something. Anything. I clam up and shut down.
I always ask myself why I’m like that. I wish I weren’t. I’m a really nice and friendly person but because of the social anxiety I come off as stand-offish.
I do truly believe that most if not all of these issues stem from my ADHD. I am struggling to make the appointment in fear of rejection by the doctor I see. I can, however show medical records proving I’ve tried to get help and just as you said, possibly misdiagnosed or maybe diagnosed without the realization that my extreme ADHD has been the root of my anxiety and depression. I’ll admit when I did take the adderall and vyvanse for the short time I did, it was the most “normal” I had ever felt in my entire 28 years of existence. And when I say “normal” I mean I didn’t have social anxiety. New people being around or in my life didn’t freak me out. I had no problem starting conversations. I would be able to hold meaningful conversations and I wouldn’t zone out when someone was talking to me even if I had no true interest in what they were saying. I made eye contact with people. Rejection didn’t scare me one bit, and I didn’t let it get in the way of anything. I was confident in myself and my abilities. Procrastination wasn’t an option in any aspect of my life. I was clean and organized, clutter bothered me a lot. Everything I just listed, to me, is “normal” and the way things should be. I mean sure, I know medication is not going to solve all of those problems 100% of the time because in reality life is messy and far from perfect so I know I won’t feel that way every moment of every day for the rest of my life, but I know how I reacted to the medicine and I really want to live my life that way because it made me happy. I wasn’t depressed or anxious.
Again, I apologize for all of these long drawn out posts. This is the first time I’ve really opened up about my ADHD and it’s felt really good to just be able to talk about it but these forums have given me a “lightbulb moment” and sort of an epiphany that what I’ve been thinking is correct and it’s giving me the confidence to call and make an appointment to get help. One thing I should also add is I don’t have the “addictive” or “obsessive” type of personality either. I think that’s a positive thing because I don’t really obsess over anything and I’ve never been addicted to anything like medication, food, alcohol (I don’t even drink actually)… and even when I lost access to adderall and vyvanse, as I mentioned in a previous post I wasn’t feening for it or desperately trying to get more. I just went on with my life… even though I went back to my old depressed, anxious, disorganized, insecure life. It sucked but… I knew I wasn’t supposed to be taking it without an RX and that was that. But now, at 28 years old, I have come to terms with the fact that I probably do need medication to help treat this… and I say “help” because I understand that medicine alone isn’t treatment. I plan on seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist on a regular basis to hold me accountable and keep me in check. I know I won’t need the medication for the rest of my life. I’ve read stories of people that were on the medication for less than a year and with proper doctors visits and following instructions of a doctor, they didn’t need it after a while and were eventually able to live the life they wanted without the medicine. That’s the goal. This would just be a kick start or a “tool” like you mentioned to help me and long term I will be able to feel the effects of the medication without actually taking it 🙂