Reply To: A friend upset me… destroyed me for the week.

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Women & Girls A friend upset me… destroyed me for the week. Reply To: A friend upset me… destroyed me for the week.


I experience the EXACT same thing, completely distracted and dysfunctional until a personal problem is solved. I think it’s definitely ADHD related because it’s an inability to regulate attention. I’m starting to figure out that ADHD isn’t just about missing details, but it has just as much to do with obsessing over details or giving too much attention to things, even feelings. Since my diagnosis and especially since I somehow managed to get the greatest non-ADHD friend in the entire world, I have made tons of progress in terms of understanding exactly what it is I do that pisses people off. I’ve learned it from my friend, who does not have ADHD, by hearing her complain about other people. So, I’ve gotten a good sense of what behaviors make other people mad, mad enough to ignore you and walk away. I think the biggest problem people with ADHD have is the fact that they can’t keep a friend long enough to learn from them or we are so desperate for friends we keep toxic people around us for way too long. I wished that someone had given me a cheat sheet on social etiquette. I asked my sister for
one, but she refused LOL. She didn’t want to offend me. I was fortunate enough to find a friend who was almost the opposite of me. Anyway, here are a few things I’ve learned. 1.) Let people know you have ADHD because any odd behavior you may display will be given a degree of grace; 2.) use the Myers-Briggs personality test to learn more about yourself; 3.) understand that in comparison to others you are REALLY easy-going and other people take themselves far more seriously than we do. We are used to “failing,” we are used to being hurt, we put up with a lot of behavior that other people wouldn’t put up with. So, we tend to come off as superficial (laughing is a subconscious coping mechanism) and offensive (we are surprised that other people get so offended by things we say. That’s because we think well it wouldn’t bother me if someone said that. Apparently it DOES bother other people, so it’s best to toss that “rule” out the window.? The following is a list of behaviors other people can’t stand (remember they’ve got plenty of friends, so you are dispensable. Don’t be late. Write things down so you don’t forget them and don’t flake out on plans. You’ll come off as unreliable and eventually people won’t invite you to things because you’re a pain. When people ignore you, then you’ve done something wrong. When someone changes topic, walks away, looks the other way during conversation, you’re talking too much about something that interests you but not them. There is a give and take in conversation and you have to be aware of that otherwise you’ll never catch yourself talking too much. Read signs and follow the rules; read emails and try to do what is being asked of you (keeping a calendar is vital) otherwise people think you’re a pain in the butt. Watch what other functional people are doing and do what they do. It may feel like you need to change your whole personality for other people, but what we don’t realize is that other people do it. They regulate themselves enough to fit in, but they are still the same person. It’s is expected. I hope that helps a little. I am so very, very fortunate to find a good friend who has given me grace long enough for her to get to know me and appreciate the person I am. I don’t think I would have made it past a few faux pax without revealing my ADHD. (I asked her when she was due and she was NOT pregnant). Good luck. I really hope something I’ve shared helps. Know that I am WITH you and by no means think I know everything, but like I said I wish someone had given me a cheat sheet. So that’s what I’ve tried to do here. Best of luck. Christine