Reply To: Was it just Hyperfocus in dating?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones Was it just Hyperfocus in dating? Reply To: Was it just Hyperfocus in dating?

#98908
Menelaus
Participant

Fairly agreed with this lot. It’s hard to dial in anything other than “all or nothing” because my dimmer-switch just wasn’t wired in proper. She doesn’t want you gone, and you don’t want to leave either. That’s great to hear, and definitely preferred over the major alternatives. If I were her, trying to get into that headspace now, I imagine I’d be exhausted by everything that’s causing me grief. I’d be overthinking on everything, especially on the fronts of relationships. Both platonic and romantic.

I’d convince myself that I wouldn’t be cruel enough to subject anyone else to living with me with all the stress and struggle that just comes with how my head ticks over. Especially someone I cared about. Even though I’d jump at the opportunity to be that person for another with the same, to be on the other side of this thought process, because it wouldn’t burden open me. Isn’t it ironic just how self-isolating it can be? I can constantly see how rediculous it sounds, but I still battle my way back atop this concept so often in regards to certain friends and certain people I know.

It’s hard at times to convince yourself that you’re not being cruel to them to be with them. But little reminders that show that they think about you when you’re not there, that you exist in their world beyond that moment between walking in and out that door, help hammer home the idea that they’re not humouring me. That they don’t just feel sorry for me, they don’t pretend to be my friend when I’m around to pity me, and that they actually enjoy me as a person.

She’s probably having a frustrating time and, as mentioned above, might’ve become paranoid in overthinking that you would be put off by all this.

I don’t introduce myself as a man with ADHD, but even I’m surprised how oddly common we are out there in the population. You’ve definitely come across us before, even if you didn’t know it, even if they didn’t know.

To the question about whether she would’ve said the same loving words to anyone… I don’t know her, but I don’t reckon so. My emotions at times might be more intense or less intense than others, and my feelings do grow fast, but they’re still there and they’re honest. I don’t fall for everyone, but it’s tricky to regulate “am I being too clingy? Too distant?” and all that jazz for anyone. Even more so when you’ve chronically got more splintering tangent threads of thought streaming through your head at once than you have fingers to count them on, and you’ve so absolute overthought yourself into a hole. If you think something enough, it becomes truth in your own head.

Your time hasn’t been a lie, treasure it.

Remind her that she’s there with you even when she’s not there physically. Next time you see her, bring something you found while out walking that you found neat, and thought that she’d enjoy. Or send a picture of a place you guys went if you find yourself nearby. Something organic, and unforced.

Remind her that she doesn’t have to be an Olympic, Nobel Prize winning, billionaire astronaut acrobat, and that you love being around her because of what she already is, because she might feel she’s not enough, and that you deserve better than to tied to what she might envision as a flaming, prospectless trainwreck of a life.

Message her, and let it slip that she just popped into your head for some reason or another. Ask her how she’s really been doing lately. Let her vent if she needs to.

It’s hard to be the initiator most of the time, but there’s a fair chance she thinks she’s bothering you or slowing you down. She’s “doing you a favour” by not imposing her problems upon you, and that on-off switch brain actions that as “disengage entirely”. You’ve got the green light in that she wants you in her life. So, and I know it sounds like work and it IS somewhat unfair, but it’s up to you to breathe life in here because she’s holding herself off “for your sake”.

She’s lucky to know such a kind, warm, fullhearted person.

Much love,

– Menelaus