Reply To: My 7 year old son with ADHD is violent and aggressive to me. I am desperate.

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#98072
Porcini
Participant

Hi, I’m new here and this is my first reply!
My son is 7 is Autistic,has anxiety disorder and is and ADHD he has had explosive moments also.
He has also been quick to anger, physically hitting,
Name calling etc.
I am also a single Muma.
Firstly, separation of a family unit makes all kids have behavioral struggles as they try and process it all and the big emotions. If you can, get a psychologist involved….one that understands/ works
With children with ADHD. Secondly, if there are
Some additional challenges, like Dad has drug or alcohol issues, there is an extra layer right there!
If Dad isn’t a great role model or has his own behavior issues, your son will be picking up on those. My son also has rules that are different at my house, which causes meltdowns and struggles.
Eg. Swearing is ok at Dad’s…NOT ok at Mum’s!
The list is huge! Anyway, sitting down and telling my son I get how hard it is going between houses, the rule changes etc etc , really helped. Telling him it is tough, but there will be different rules, and my expectations around the rules helped. Listening to his upsets at it all helped a lot also, and like someone else said…compromise is huge!
Pick your battles as they say! Eg. If your son needs a shower, but wants to eat first, no big deal really which order it’s done in….so long as BOTH get done.
Doing this means he gets his needs met,feels valued, and no meltdowns. I don’t compromise on all things Eg. Personal safety, manners, violence etc, but the little stuff….no problem to be flexible.
Doing a Martial Art has been great for my son…learning about self control, discipline, self respect, community spirit, belonging etc has been great….plus we have great instructors make and female, who are great role models, and my son wants to do well. Great for energy release, and freeing up stores anger. I absolutely do NOT allow hitting me as a way to get anger out as someone suggested…even hitting arms. Violence is never ok.
My son has been told by me it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to hit. So when he is very angry, we have a punching bag, pillows,trampoline and the like. I have said I will accept some raised voices(we all do it from time to time!) but will not accept abusive words towards me….I have explained that I do not accept that from ANYONE, and I expect that he will not accept anyone behaving like that towards him either. Respect runs both ways…child or adult.
I do not try and comfort my son when he’s upset or touch him. I ask if he wants a cuddle when he’s calm, or if he wants me to leave him alone(often in the same room, just not close by). I never discuss anything in the moment of rage, always much later. I never shame him for rages, just talk them through afterwards. I see a Psychologist for my own feelings and struggles so my own stuff is delt with! Part of the struggle is controlling old patterns of expected behaviour from kids….times have changed….we still need rules, expect good behaviour, but I believe when we include them in choices or decisions it engages them more….if you think about what you would want or expect in the same situation….you usually strike a cord with your chikd’s needs. I hope this long post helps. Remember….we are all doing the best we can in the moment….and mostly….behaviour is communication(what it is communicating is your quest😊). All the best.