Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies JBoom, ms_bedelia, Looking4Signs and magicwindow. They were all so thoughtful and it was really nice of you to legitimise my concerns like that. I’m sorry my thanks is so late. Don’t know where the last couple of weeks have gone.
JBoom I think I do have an issue with self control. Would explain why I’ve never been able to stop biting my nails.
ms_bedelia, I really liked what you said about the distress and feeling so profoundly dysfunctional not having to be something that you have to cope with and that you’re proud to have adhd. That’s exactly why I would seek a diagnosis.
Looking4Signs, I’m sorry for the difficulties you’re going through at the moment. I hope you get your questions answered. I don’t think I have depression although I think i might’ve had it in the past when I found things too overwhelming and was lonely and isolated. Now I’m lucky that I have friends who are more fun and don’t take themselves too seriously. Finding people I can be myself around has made the world of difference. And the friends I have now accept my quirks and find them funny rather than ostracise me because of them. I do have moments where I feel really upset and emotional but those quickly pass. Each day is a bit of a rollercoaster but I definitely feel the full spectrum of emotions and get excited and enthused about loads of things which I don’t think someone who was depressed would do so much.
Magicwindow, I love your username. Thanks so much for your comment. The coping mechanism thing is so true. I have millions. I can only sleep when I listen to a meditation thing where i fall asleep part way through, have to sleep with headphones/earplugs and an eye mask and have to be just the right temperature, I have to either do or write things down straight away or they won’t get done, I survive on lists, coffee, recruiting others for help in finding something I’ve lost, brushing over misunderstandings smoothly, apologising a million times a day eg: for interrupting someone plus I’m really nice to everyone and care so much about everyone that things that may be perceived as rude are usually outweighed by humility and apologies. I think my weaknesses are noted by others and I bemuse people somewhat but despite that, I function so this means I get by. I am totally inconsistent. One minute I’ll be a bit of a doormat because I assume I’ve done something wrong and that’s why someone’s being sarcastic or patronising towards me, but if I see someone treat someone else badly or unjustly I’ll call them out straight away.
The main issue I’m having at the moment is getting to work on time. Somehow no matter what I do I’m consistently lateish. I’m meant to arrive half an hour early and I’m consistently arriving just on time instead. It means I don’t have time to do the preparation side of things but it means I haven’t got in trouble with seniors yet. However, it’s not fair on colleagues at the same level as me who are left to do all the preparation things and I feel like I’m not pulling my weight in the team. I feel like there’s only so many times I can turn up late (for the early time) and say I’m sorry, i forgot my keys/slept in.
Anyway, I’ve contacted a private psychiatrist to inquire about an assessment. They took a while to reply and I was freaking out that they thought I wasn’t worth their time because it was unlikely I have adhd but they said i described my problems well and if i wanted answers he could do an assessment in Nov. I might try the non private route first (as don’t have enough money for a private assessment currently) but if the GP says I’m crazy for thinking I might have this I know i’ll probably never talk to anyone about it again and give up with the diagnosis. So I’m thinking it may be worth spending my first paycheck on.