I have a similar issue but they are usually exhibited in crying and fear, like an anxiety attack. And I generally know it’s not a huge deal but it’s so hard not to picture getting in trouble and being yelled at and just crumbling under that. I think mindfulness is a good tool for me. Stopping, backing up, and looking at the situation helps. I use a cognitive behavioral therapy app sometimes called Pacifica that helps me look at the problem. Today I pulled out my notebook that I always keep in my bag and wrote out what I was feeling and why, then wrote what I can do about it. This is something I’ve been able to do better after therapy, lots of reflection, and being in a job that has a lot of supportive people in it.
Criticism and the fear of getting in trouble or being yelled at are definitely the biggest triggers, as are someone getting mad at me or pointing out that I’ve hurt them unintentionally.
I think it may help during a calm time to tell your wife you’re having trouble managing your temper and need her help at first. THEN construct a plan. Maybe it’s a code word, or a sidestep strategy, or checking in with you. Maybe it’s a calm touch checking in before things go downhill or finding another way to communicate criticism. A couple’s therapist can also help with this!
Best of luck to you and good for you for asking for help. You can do this.