lroche, I feel for you and feel like I am in a similar situation. Our son is 12 and every night as I am helping him with homework, etc. my husband just sits on the couch and yells whenever he feels like our son is being rude to me. Then he yells at him at shower time and tries to physically push him into the shower because he isn’t going through the steps fast enough. Just one small example. It hurts me, but I also realize that he is trying to protect me as well as raise a son that can get along in life. I feel it balances out my mom desire to be more patient and protective. I have to say that on the way in to work this morning, the effort of being patient and understanding was overwhelming me to the point of tears. I try to do too much. I have to believe that is why children have 2 parents, so they can have both parenting styles and hopefully find a middle ground.
It has helped me to read what others have written, that name-calling is bullying no matter the age, that it is possible to enable our kids / stunt their development by being too protective, that life will teach them the things we are trying so hard to teach if we just let life do the job. There is some good wisdom here. Thank you for sharing and eliciting this feedback from others. Hang in there.
Counseling did help us for a while but I wonder if we should try again with a different counselor. It is hard to find a counselor and to do the work, but personally I found a great therapist after several tries and I don’t know what I would do without what I am learning. So whether you get counseling for yourself, your husband, or as a couple/family, that may be a tool you could turn to as well.