I can relate. 1000 times over. I was in the exact same situation just one year ago…and I am crawling my way out of it now.
First – kudos for sharing. it is not easy to share these parts of ourselves that leave us vulnerable and open to criticism.
I have always seen myself as an outsider as well. Since I was a young child. Starting with the fact that I was the only child of a divorced single mother attending a local catholic school in another town…where everyone had mommy and daddy and brother and sister and walked to school. I took the yellow school bus. With one other kid. In a school of a few hundred.
The story I told myself then — and the story I heard until very recently was — “you are different than everyone else, and that is BAD.”
But that was never the truth then, and it is not now.
I bet that You don’t assimilate to the norm and that You question the status quo. That is amazing and it makes YOU uniquely YOU.
There is value to that. In so many parts of life. It is a matter of finding people who support yuo and your ideas and sharing those deep vulnerabilities and insecurities with them. And keeping the regular ol’ social banter to those who you might want to “fit in” with, just to survive. They dont have to see the real you.
Consider yourself a strong person for being able to carry yourself forward, regardless of other people and what they are doing.
The biggest improvement I have seen with any and all of these social anxieties has been changing my mindset, and approach, to looking at things. I loosened up a bit.
Perseverating on bad thoughts made me sad. Therapy made me more confused. More adderall made me more anxious. Talking to friends frustrated me because they just DIDNT UNDERSTAND. and told me “youll figure it out, you’ll find your way”. And then I started resenting them.
Journaling got me nowhere….and had me thinking — “I cant even articulate my own thoughts to MYSELF right…”
I was a negative self talker all the way through. I catastrophized. And I put my destiny in other people’s hands.
I have always seen myself as an outsider as well. Since I was a young child. I was the only child of a divorced single mother attending a local catholic school in another town…
You don’t assimilate. That is amazing. Consider yourself a strong person for being able to carry yourself forward, regardless of other people and what they are doing.
And then ask yourself – who can help me, who wants to help me, and what action can I take to show them I ACCEPT their help?
We are all socially awkward at heart.
I listen to a podcast – Unf*ck your Brain. It has been a saving grace in shifting mindset. I still take adderall, but 50 mg less (per day!!!) than I had been taking.
Slow and steady. Dont beat yourself up. And keep going!!! And in those awkward moments…try to remember that this too is a temnporary moment in time.