Nope, no criticism here! (And I hope you can see that by the responses you’ve already received.)
Also, I feel you. I relate to everything you said- the things you’ve done, the way you feel. Scary accurate, but that should also give you hope. Because after confirming your diagnoses with a professional, instead of constantly feeling like a broken failure- you can begin to realize that you’ve been fighting an invisible enemy the entire time. Then you get to focus on how to turn that enemy into your friend and work together. I’m still working on this- late diagnoses. But I’ve definitely managed to quiet those lies of being dumb, a failure, etc.
Get the appt, go to it, learn about ways to help you manage your weaknesses better and run with it. It’s gonna be ok. It might not feel like it now, but I will get better. Hang in there and know there are safe places to share- this place being one.