If you husband was raised with a super-authoritarian father, that could explain at least some of it. I’ve heard, “well, s/he can’t act like that” before as well. Parents who were raised themselves in a do-it-or-else environment are kind of programmed that way, and it takes a lot to undo it.
I would suggest books, or sitting down and drawing up a parenting plan together, but if he sees no need to change, he won’t be willing to work at it. If you could get him to family counseling or a parent training (like the Triple P program) that could be really helpful.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism