Hey guys. I want to say thanks to Jolly, I read your responses while I was waiting to see her and they calmed my nerves a bit.
Parminter, yes I’m pretty hard on myself. What’s a self-esteem? Haha. Lazy, stupid, useless, bum. Even with keeping a full-time job I just feel like a failure sometimes. Thankfully I’ve got two people in my life that tend to rub it in my face when I’m being silly and remind me I’m being too hard on myself.
It went really well actually, despite the fact that I was a blubbering mess of word soup, speaking at the speed of light. Somehow she actually listened to me and made sense of what I was saying. I felt like it was really rushed, but surprisingly I was in there the whole hour. She seemed like she knew before I even started telling her. She started me on a low dose of Adderall and I see her in two weeks to talk to her about how that’s going. I was kinda skeptical, like shouldn’t you be giving me CPT tests or something? But I’m glad she didn’t make me go through with it because chances are I’d forget or procrastinate to schedule the testing.
I’m actually on a dose right now and I feel like a sort of calm has washed over me. Things seem more in focus, I just wrote a text to my husband and kind of emotioned all over the place, but in a good way. Some things are still the same, forgetting important things, making small mistakes, still have to force myself to concentrate on what needs to be concentrated on, but my frustration and impatience aren’t there like they used to be. I’m not zoning out in conversations as much as I used to. Which was awesome for work! Part of the reason I really wanted to see someone is because I just can’t keep going there and doing the same monotonous job every day, but yesterday wasn’t as bad. Maybe a placebo effect. Either way I’m excited to see if they keep helping.
I can see there’s still a mountain to climb in figuring out what all this means, starting with getting over the embarrassment and shame. ADHD kids were the “special” kids back in my day, you know? Baking cookies for us to buy at lunch. No one was really mean to them thank goodness, but it was like a classroom full of things you just didn’t talk about.
Kind of in awe of all the years I lived in denial of these symptoms. Just shoved them under the rug with the right words. “lazy” “stupid” “procrastinate” “dementia” etc.