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My two cents is there are certain deal-breakers. My guy is ADD but went the opposite direction in emotional dysregulation- instead of feeling everything intensely, he was emotionally void. You mentioned red flags for me in the way he handles his anger. Granted, he has a disorder that makes it hard for him to manage his emotions, BUT promises are empty unless he’s taking actionable steps to cope with his disadvantage. He won’t change by simply promising to do better. It’s just not something within his control that he can switch on and off- he needs good coping mechanisms/skills.
If I were you and I wanted to keep the relationship, I would make sure I had healthy boundaries in place. I would also be honest about how I care about him, but if the relationship is to progress, I would need to see some changes (i.e. him seeking treatment, meds, coping strats, gaining self-regulation skills, etc) in order to proceed with a relationship. Otherwise it’s friend status. You’re no in so deep that you don’t still have a way to save yourself from the heartache and getting involved with an untreated angry adhd’er is bound to end badly if he doesn’t care to seek out health on his own.
Edited to add that I’m the add’er with anger issues in my relationship, so I’m speaking from experience about the promises to ‘not lose it or say anything mean again’.
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by nessy.