You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place in the situation you describe, but you can still affect positive change. Please don’t give up on yourself or your kids.
It does sound like your wife is struggling with something that is untreated. I doubt it’s a willful choice to consistently avoid hygiene especially with kids. I’m concerned about paranoia with the avoidance of soap because it causes cancer. There are natural soaps that could solve this fear. As others said, it feels like there’s more to her story. Whatever it is, untreated will continue as it is now. Would she agree to see a doctor?
I would be concerned about just walking away because it sounds like the kids could possibly be neglected in her care. That’s not to say you have to stay in a relationship that is so toxic for you, but that you’ll still have to be very involved for your kids.
Please do take care of yourself. If you’re suicidal again, please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255 or use the text crisis line: Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism