“I dont want you. I just want your money”
It’s always hard to judge as an outsider. I don’t have all information. I’m going to tell you how I feel about the situation you described, but of course you must consider your own gut feelings about it.
I don’t think this is ADHD destroying your marriage. I think this is a woman destroying your life. There can be a lot of conflict in ADHD marriages, but this doesn’t sound like the usual ADHD-spouse issues (I have ADHD). She probably has mental health issues, and ADHD may or may not be a part of it. But the main issues is that she won’t work to improve any of those issues.
Some of the issues you described could probably be improved with appropriate treatment or workarounds, but the condition to that is that she would have to work for it. One of the hallmarks of ADHD is how we don’t do what we want. We want to get a shower, but they get distracted, forget and skip it. It’s not on purpose.
There seems to be a lot of purposefulness in how your wife is acting. And even if some of it is not on purpose, she is doing nothing to change it despite the severe impact it had on your mental health in the past and despite being aware of your needs. Never trying to go to therapy, refusing to admit anything is wrong, and so on.
Then there is the manipulation, lying, telling you she just wants your money… I can’t tell if she meant that or just yelled it anger, but it’s a very unsettling thing to say.
I only have one advice, really. Leave. Pack your bags and leave.
At this point two things might happen:
1: she will beg you to come back
2: she will agree to divorce
In case of number 1, state your conditions. Don’t make it a ten pages manifesto, as tempting as it may be. List some clear goals, starting with an appointment with a psychiatrist within a reasonable time frame then going to therapy and working towards the kind of family life you can live with. During your time away, consider whether you actually really wish to come back and make this marriage work yourself. There is no point in dragging this if you’re yourself done with the relationship. If she agrees, and you come back, track whether or not she follows through. If she fails to follow through, leave again (each time stay away longer). This is to make it clear you will leave permanently if nothing changes.
In case of number 2, it’s time to file for divorce. Nothing will change unless she works for it, no point in making yourself and your kids miserable.
If you seriously consider filing for divorce and especially if you want custody of the kids, make sure you take notes of what she says to you, acting aggressive, hygiene issues especially relative to the children, all the events that led to you losing your home in the past, examples of her acting irresponsibly, and so on. Keep a record as detailed as possible. This is so you can bring it up to court. While women usually get custody of young children, “saving” dirty diapers to reuse them and similar creative ideas about hygiene endanger the health of the child and probably qualifies as neglect.