Reply To: Mom on the verge…I'm not alone, right?

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#84575
JWK
Participant

Oh!! Hugs to you Moms!!…No, you’re never alone, and though I can offer a few small tips or suggestions, I do not at all claim to have any answers, I can only share from experience. Sounds very ODD and a lot of ADHD to me – though I am no professional.

First, give youself a hug for getting this far! And reaching out – you are not a horrible mom, because its obvious you put a lot of care and hard work in to him! Well done!

Second, dont stop loving him, he needs you more than he will admit, in fact just go give him a hug…he works hard too!

Third, Go right back to the start, as if he were 3 years old, and treat him however it used to work – especially the timeouts. School behaviour gets punished at school, home behaviour gets punished at home…always…

Despite what your brain is screaming at you to do – ignore the lying for now. When you need to address a misbehaviour, quietly but firmly state the facts only, no opinion or judgement followed up by restating the expected behaviour. If you are absolutely sure he has taken something without asking, – “You have taken ‘xxxxx’ – you need (or you are expected) to ask my permission before taking ‘xxxxx’, or for lying, “You told me that ‘xxxx’. I found out that it was not ‘xxxxx’. We tell the truth in our house”. Then remove yourself from his presence so you signal the end of the engagement, resist the urge to reprimand or get further engaged in any conversation, he is using misbehaviour to engage you and drag you into his favourite occupation, arguing. Lay out some clear written rules about what is expected of him of everyone else in the household. Say five or six clear concise but very nonpersonal rules. Dont get dragged into any arguments about “why”…quietly state, and restate, and restate the simple answer, I’m the parent, I say what happens around here – and walk off – showing that you are not willing to engage in conflict.
His mind sounds confused, just keep up the support and help for him to clear it…start by emptying his bedroom of all non-bedroom stuff. He’ll react to any way you try to wrestle your authority back, but stick it out, it gets easier. While you are both going through these huge changes, you’ll need each others love, so when he engages with you in a positive way, beam sunshine and love on him. When ever he does something positive, engage with him, not necessarily praise or even reference to what he has done – just offer him a small choice – eg. would you like hawaiian or meatlovers pizza for dinner, would you like to walk to the park or ride to the park, would you like to have banana or apple in your lunchbox, and again resist the urge to engage in an argument over his choice. Giving them a small amount of measured choice enables their self-esteem.

For your own privacy and to stop the stealing, get some padlocks! and keep the keys on you! You go girl! Show him who’s boss!
Consider a doctor checkup within a few weeks, to make sure that there are no other medical issues going on that are affecting his behaviour – eg allergies, epilepsy, autism, depression, and to make sure that you are also supported. Also, start any medication very low dose, very slowly…at least a week between dose increase – resist the urge for immediate relief, because it will only bring unwanted side effects i.e depression or violence. We would never have got through these past 17 years without our meds.

I hope that theres one or two things you can try or retry to help. You’ll make it! You have the right objective!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by JWK.