Reply To: Mom on the verge…I'm not alone, right?

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#84569
krystyn.kono
Participant

No, you are not alone. I have a similar scenerio with my 11 yr old son. As a matter of fact, I was just reading some articles about being a ADHD mom and discipline, and I had to stop, because they made me feel guilty. Guilty that even though I worry about him all the time and constantly try to make thing better, that I don’t. I end up yelling, as much as I try not to. I am constantly caught between making accomodations for him and trying to ensure that I am teaching him what he needs to be a confident, productive adult in the future. I wonder if he will be able to navigate the bumpy road of life, or fall prey to one of the numerous pitfalls along the way, knowing that if he does, it will in the end be my fault if he does. I have shed many, many tears of frustration and disappointment in myself. No, you are not alone. If I have one suggestion for you, it would be to find something that you and your son can do where you can let go and have some positive time together. For me, it was a Spring Break vacation. I loaded up both of my sons (11 & 7) and drove 1,000 miles to Utah. I had no idea how it was going to go, since it seems that everything I plan to be a fun activity seems to turn into a tantrum (even going to see Santa). I decided not to tell them where we were going or what we were doing, so they couldn’t poo-poo the idea before it even got started. This seemed to work, but it also gave my 11 yr old 3 panic attacks on the way there. He seemed to get in his mind that I was going to make them do something like scale a rockface, which is really out of left field, but we worked through it. As a matter of fact, it seemed easier to deal with the behavior since we were all out of our element. In the end, I think that being outside of your daily routine allowed all of us to react better to each other, and allowed him to see a less stressed, more fun part of me, the part I wish I could show him all of the time. I am not sure if it was the trip, or maturity, but our relationship, while still strained on some days, is better that it was before. I actually have one more suggestion, forgiveness. I try to let the problems of the day melt away during each night and start everyday, like it is a new beginning. Sometimes I forgive him, but most days I am trying to forgive myself. Whenever there is a good behavior, go out of your way to compliment it, show him that you notice he remembered to bring his homework home, or that he actually got the banana peel in the garbage. Even though those are “expected” behaviors, not ones that deserve praise, they are him trying to do what you want, and it will matter that you noticed. Because sometimes that is the way he says “I love you”, and you noticing it is your way of telling him you love him back. Just keep trying new things, and definately celebrate the ones that work. Remember, you are not alone in the frustration and tears and sins and unending mistakes, and keep loving him the best ways that you can.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by krystyn.kono.