“I am tired of apologizing 85xs a day for stupid crap. I want to scream: everyone just leave me alone, not look at me, dont give me advise and please just stop talking.”
Though I hear your pain, I also love hearing you. It means I’m not the only one. It means there are others out there that have real jobs, relationships, lives, yet there’s this struggle internally to keep it all together. Someone else’s head is swimming with a million ideas and solutions to all the world’s problems, but first you have to go stupid grocery shopping because there’s nothing to eat in the house, not that you want to freaking cook for the millionth time in your life, and do dishes yet again, and … OK, I digress …
My mantra, in my head, 80% of the time: “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I feel like I’m being dumped on all day long, but in reality I know that I don’t have any more to deal with than anyone else — and probably less. Yet I feel overwhelmed remembering everything I forgot to do, everything I actually WANT to do but can’t until I get this other crap out of the way, dealing with scattered, unfinished projects and messes — you mean I have to do laundry/vacuum/shower/cook/eat/get dressed/brush my teeth/feed the dog/make a hair appt./ … AGAIN?
And I too get so tired of apologizing, and “being the biggest loser in America.” I mean, how many times can you tell someone you’re sorry and think they’ll believe you? So at some point I have to babble on about being disorganized and good intentions, and make being a “ditz” funny, because if you don’t laugh at yourself, you’ll cry, all the time muttering to myself “I’m such an idiot,” but at the same time try and remember to be kind to myself, I’m just atypical, I’m special and creative and spontaneous … and while I believe that a lot of the time, I also too often think “Bulls***”
You also brought up work. When I have something like what you have looming (“beyond frightened of a presentation”), if I look closely, I can often trace my current anxiety to that one thing: Something that I need to do, that I want to do well, that I’m afraid of but know I have to do it anyway … that seems to be the source of so many of my episodes.
I can usually be on top of things at work, but it must take everything I have because there’s often nothing left for real life. Probably because I do a good job (other than somehow believing that a day late is on time, a week late is not too bad, and 2 weeks late is normal) but it often means spending 10 hours on a 2 hour project because I keep changing my mind on how to attack it. Not to mention the time I might spend formatting a document to get the lines straight, choosing fonts and colors, making charts or looking for images, when what I was supposed to be doing was writing a strategy document. AAAAAAAAACK!
You nailed it when you said: It’s one breathless day at a time.
Thank you for letting me rant right back at you. And to answer your question: Yes, at least one other person in this world goes through what you’re going through. And I bet we’re not the only two.