This is all so much me. So much me. The RSD. The foreigner (I’m actually a foreign foreigner, which makes it worse; canadian living in america). The looks people give me. The isolation. The shame I feel. The complete ambivalence to mess; my living room is a collection of empty amazon now bags because i was too focused last month to go grocery shopping (i was on a wonderful work assignment that my adhd brain soaked up like one of those plants that gets rain only once every 5 years.) I have a houseful of randomly scattered shoes and clothing, very little of it clean. I can’t have nice things because: 1. i lose them. 2. i forget about them. 3. i don’t take care of them. 4. i ignore them. 5. i spill something on them. 6. i don’t really care about nice things because random amazing thing on the internet is more important. Plus see 1-5.
What image does this present to the world? certainly not of someone who has her %($& together. certainly not someone who can be relied upon. certainly not someone who can accept more work. or someone they can let be around VIPs in a work setting, even though she’s “the smartest person [they’ve] ever met.” (I’ve come to see that as a euphemism for bat *(%^ crazy.) Someone who is commitment-phobic. Who is alone and child-free because she is selfish and immature. Who is disagreeable. Who needs to smile more (This is rage-inducing.) Who is flawed in x y z ways. Who is judged at every turn.
But she’s also someone who cares and someone who hurts. Someone who dreams. Someone who longs for the things that come easily to others. Someone who loves (but with a Thor’s-hammer kind of love). Someone who sings and writes songs and creates visual art and holds an m.a. and is a p.hd. candidate (read: quit phd) in music and has a geology degree and is a self-taught web developer and an adventurer and an award-winning scholar and employee. But who cannot get ahead. Or have lasting bonds. (No wonder I live in my head. It’s the only place I can go to talk with someone I know.)
Or clean up her GD living room.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by phdenial.