Reply To: Balance between motivation and creating entitlement

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#82106
BelovedLeah
Participant

Yes, I understand the difference between punishments vs consequences, as well as the differences between consequences and problems solving. And I am familiar with the interest/urgency motivation. And that is exactly my question – how do we help them not think that they don’t have to ever do things that aren’t fun?

I suppose it just comes down to being frank with them – “things have to be done, so let’s find a way to accomplish it. Can we turn the job into a game that will get it done quickly? Or… Let’s do this hard thing for x number of minutes at a time, then take a break, then come back to it. I will help you.” (Etc)

We currently have ADHD adults in our extended family who refuse to do anything that isn’t fun except work at a job. And they get angry if you suggest they should help around the house or mow the yard. They also get angry when there are consequences to things, like not mowing the yard – when the city fines them for the jungle and the neighbors complain. THAT is what I’m trying to avoid.

I know they have genuine struggles. I’m just trying to give them a lens to see world they will go into – unpleasant things and boring things are still going to be expected of them. If they learn from how I deal with them that it all has to have a happy reward, then that sets them up to fail. Maybe it’s semantics in a way – ok, I don’t give them a reward each time, but I help them find a way to get it done in a less boring way.

It just got to me, that piece – giving me permission to use natural consequences, but make sure it actually motivates? That seems like very poor, poor advice when we not only have to teach them coping skills but to also develop their character.