Thanks to everyone for your feedback! I know there is hope because he’s actually become quite proficient at tidying up in the bathroom after his nightly shower and in the morning after getting washed and dressed. The carrot (or stick, depending on your perspective) was telling him he could have his phone only after the bathroom passes my not-all-that-high standard.
School continues to be a struggle. Thank goodness our school district is very good about supporting him, including a twice-weekly check-in and review with an IEP person. Nonetheless, most of his schoolwork is done at school so we’re unable to keep close tabs on completed vs missing assignments… until we check the school site and find a flag that something is AWOL, and by then it is often too late to be found or made-up.
I very much appreciate this forum… it is so easy to feel like we’re alone and incompetent parents, especially among family / friends / co-workers with non-ADHD kids.