Reply To: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please.

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Oh my goodness, 10-12 month referral wait, that’s ridiculous! : ( Things must be much different in England! It sounds like we are definitely similar on some of these issues. My self diagnosed anxiety and depression has just skyrocketed, and it’s so frustrating (the word that constantly comes to mind for you too!) If your boyfriend is unwilling, I find that to be a serious issue. John has been slowing down more. I say this right now, but on his last day of work yesterday, he locked himself out of his car! He was so frazzled making sure he got everything out of the office for some reason he put his keys in the ignition and locked the door. I had to drive 30 minutes to give him the spare, but he offered to buy dinner, so I looked at it as a win-win. He saved money by me having a spare and not having to call a locksmith, and we both got dinner and didn’t have to cook out of it, ha! I’m sorry to hear about the family issues. THEY ARE THE WORST. I really hate conflict and one of my top enneagram categories has me listed as a harmonizer. Dealing with his brother, his brother’s fiance, and his mother are frustrating aspects of the relationship. I don’t have to see them necessarily, but it’s disappointing the mom has just completely ignored me. She has made comments passively in front of me about not seeing her son very often, etc. I have never once told John he couldn’t go visit, I actually encourage him, so I don’t know what’s going on. I just don’t like to feel like I”m being blamed inadvertently.

As far as kids, it’s not my place to say what you do or don’t do, but if he’s right now unwilling to try to make any positive changes despite your constant efforts to help him like you described, I’d say definitely hold off for now! Adding kids into the mix will just make things that much more exhausting. In fact, last night I mentioned to John how exhausted so many parents are and having kids IS SO EXPENSIVE. Sure they are an absolute joy, but you also have to sacrifice a lot. I know for a fact I’m not ready for that kind of jump. I’m still trying to figure out if I want to stay in my current role or move to another city and start somewhere new. I’m 28, and everyone around me seems to be engaged, married, or having children. That’s normal of course, but I certainly am not ready for that kind of jump given the issues I’m facing right now. I’ll remind you, like I try to remind myself, when you marry the man, you marry into the family. You can’t escape that. Certainly another reason I’m holding back.

John and I too have SO much in common which is why it makes things difficult. I’ve dated some guys that were total duds that we didn’t have anything in common, and now knowing him, he’s always down for an adventure. BUT like you said too, your own health is being compromised. I know mine is too. He has the best intentions and is not trying to cause me harm, but mentally, I’m exhausted trying to figure out all the answers, which I don’t have them. I’ve been going through this since about November of 2017 now. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when you care and feel so much.

Feel free to write back if you’d like, I wish you all the best in your relationship! <3

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by pce42.