Reply To: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please.

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I can hear you like him for the reasons you stated and I can also understand why you have reservations for the reasons you stated. It is normal to feel anxiety when these alarming behaviors threaten your safety. It’s a conflict for you that they come in the package of the sweet man that you have learned to love.

Maybe imagining a future picture can help you predict your resolve to be with someone like this. ADHD is genetic, so if you were to learn to live with his behavior now, then you may be better equipped to raise the kids (who may or may not inherit this trait) in your hypothetical future. What will it be like to have an ADHD spouse and maybe an ADHD child? It means helping your spouse, possibly child(ren), establish unusual habits with phones, notes, planners, and other VISUAL reminders that their mind can’t hold without them. It means using positive reinforcement for mini-habits and mini-thoughts that will help them STAY on an even keel with their emotional and physical regulation. You may find yourself feeling like your brain is the only reliable brain to manage the family’s daily life and planned trajectory. When your family doesn’t meet the neuro-typical standards, can you still love them for where they are in that moment? Can you still work with them in a way that their brains can engage in with effectiveness and emotional safety? It will take patience and extra work. In some ways, these expectations are what we all have meeting any other person. At the same time, you will most probably find yourself in a regular pattern of knowing the good (authentic, enthusiastic, present, inventive, etc…) behaviors come with the not-so-good (forgetful, dis-regulated, un-initiating, depressed…) and you may admit to yourself that ADHD really *is* an invisible disability. But like with all disabilities, it’s not an impediment to a fulfilling and successful life. If you think the good outweighs the bad, then you will persevere (because we don’t outgrown ADHD) and you will know that all people are different and need different support and care. Good luck on what will work for you – there’s no right or wrong decision in this case.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by keypher.