Reply To: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please.

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#80919
b2curious
Participant

Pretty much all of the down sides you listed, are part and parcel of ADHD. We’re forgetful, we lose things, lose track or time, don’t pick up on social cues, etc. That being said, there are ways to mitigate some of the symptoms, but it requires extra work – on both your parts. Being in a relationship with someone with ADHD will be more work on your part, there’s no way around it, but it sounds like you think he’s worth it. The right med, at the right dose will help, but they’re not a cure all. Also, if his meds were putting him to sleep in the past, he was either on the wrong one, or the wrong dose. Believe it or not, a stimulant dose that is too low OR too high can make someone with ADHD sleepy.

Here is an article you may find useful for understanding ADHD a little better. – https://www.additudemag.com/current-research-on-adhd-breakdown-of-the-adhd-brain/ AFter reading it, I thought “Good lord, it’s a wonder those of us with ADHD function as well as we do!”

There are also alternative therapies that can augment medication. One of my favorite blogs ran two posts which covered several alternative therapies pretty well: https://www.marksdailyapple.com/10-alternative-therapies-for-add-adhd/ and https://www.marksdailyapple.com/alternative-therapies-for-adhd-part-2/ You’ll want to read both, as the 2nd one had updated info on something in the first one. The second article mentions meditation, and research having mixed results. I’ve read recently, but have not done much research that mindfulness meditation works better for ADHD than other types. (Side note, it can help with your depression and anxiety too.) But again, not on everyone. You’ll also want to read info on this site (ADDitude) for help.

People with ADHD are notoriously terrible at reading social cues, so you may have to work out some sort of system to let him know he’s rambling and losing his audience, but not something subtle – he’ll forget it or miss it. You may just have to gently say “you’re rambling again.” One thing you’ve got to do, is learn to accept who he is in social situations. It may involve telling people about ADHD, especially your family. It may help them find him less annoying if they know what’s going on. Who knows, your mom may do some research on her own, and find ways to handle being around him without being as annoyed by him. Oh – the restaurant thing, next time he says “why have it on the menu if it’s not available?!” say something like “Because they normally have it. They can’t reprint the whole menu just because they’re out of something!” If possible, try not to sound annoyed or embarrassed – more matter of fact. It’ll help him realize how unreasonable his ideas/comments are – and may help prevent them in the future.

As you “ask him a question he says “hmm?” before answering,” it’s nice to see I’m not the only one who does something similar. For me it’s not questions, it’s kind of random. Sometimes someone will say something to me and I’l say “Huh? Never mind.” then respond to the question. Why? Because sometimes it takes me an extra second or two to actually process and understand what was said. I was beginning to think it was some sort of auditory processing disorder, but it doesn’t fit that either. I guess it’s just one of those odd ADHD things. Speaking of which, clumsiness is an ADHD symptom, but like all of them, not all of us have it. Some people with ADHD are gifted athletes, while other of us trip over flat ground. I trip over flat ground, but put me on my roof, or uneven ground, and suddenly I have no problems – I’m dang near a mountain goat. As for Alzheimer’s, my favorite blog had some interesting info on that https://www.marksdailyapple.com/why-arent-we-talking-about-the-cognitive-health-crisis/

It’s good that you’ve notice some of the positives with ADHD – he’s “vibrant and full of life,” he’s caring and encouraging. We also tend to be more creative. When we’re “in the zone” or interested in something, we can focus like nobodies business. Hyperfocus is an ADHD thing too. See, it’s not so much a deficit of attention as it is a deficit of attention control. We often have unique points of view and insights that others won’t have, despite being totally oblivious to other things. https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/positives-of-adhd/

Do yourself a favor and do some research on ADHD and do a search on “living with an ADHD partner.” Learn things you both can do to help mitigate the negatives of ADHD in your lives. Remember to take care of yourself – being in a relationship with a person with ADHD may be more work, but don’t neglect yourself and your needs. Once you’ve got some more information, and have tried a few things, you can start to consider whether or not you want to continue this relationship. Another thing to consider – children – ADHD is hereditary. With one parent with ADHD, there is slightly more than a 50% chance that a child will have it. I’ve ADHD and both of my children have it, but neither of their fathers do (one is bipolar and the other probably has Asperger’s). Both girls have such different personalities and presentation of symptoms. My youngest and I have similar personalities, but very different presentation of symptoms. I’m pure inattentive type, as is my youngest, while my oldest is combined type. You are aware there are different sub-types right? ADHD is the main diagnosis, with the three subtypes being hyperactive/impulsive type (the stereotypical ADHD), inattentive type (also call ADD, it lacks the hyperactive component – I refer to it as your stereotypical absent minded professor without the PHd), and combined type.

Okay, I think I’ve given you plenty of info. Feel free to ask me more questions, I may or may not have an answer.