I’ve been married for almost 20 years and only recently (2 years ago) was diagnosed. I feel for all of you so much. I put my wife through stupid arguments caused by my disregulation. I was scattered and unfocused. But one thing that kept us going was I was willing to change. I wanted to make her happier.
That’s a good place to start. Ask your spouse if they want to make you happier. If they do, then let them know that the responsibilities you want to share will do that. I love the idea of looking at which ones will play to his strengths. What can you make into play? Make a game?
This is the hard part. Avoid all criticism. Not because you aren’t justified, you are. But because it won’t work. I guarantee your husband has said every criticism you level at him to himself a million times. Since he was a kid. So have his teachers, his parents, his bosses, and others.
The only way to make things better is to express gratitude. We have interest-based nervous systems. Find what interests us and we will do that thing.
And be sure to try all kinds of variations to medications. 80% of ADHD people benefit. It has to be the right one and the right dosage. Now, I still deal with the effects of ADHD, but I am much calmer, which makes every interaction easier. I don’t fight anymore. I don’t immediately contradict. It works.
On behalf of a husband who knows sees this from another perspective, thank you for caring enough to want to try to save your relationship.