I can’t even start this reply properly. erased it several times, trying to articulate the flood of thoughts/feelings/experiences generated by this thread.
I’m always nervous about commitment now because of this.
My mother called me a “half bucket of water” since I was a child – in chinese this means “start something and never finish it”.
I have so much partial experience but minimal expertise.
I’ve been labelled “not a team player” because of this.
But it’s not because we don’t try, I’m not lazy, I work so so hard. I feel far older than my age.
I remember wanting very badly to become a Zumba instructor. I put it off for 1 year because I was afraid To spend the money, get certified, and commit. I talked myself out of it over and over again. But I became miserable.
I eventually did it, after discussing with my husband ad nauseum about the pros and cons. I have thrown myself into it and I have kept it up for about 3 years. I discovered that I need to realize a reward from something to continue it. My reward is being free to express myself in dance, developing friendships through it, and gaining recognition for what I do. I was nervous at around the 2 year mark – I have had trouble keeping a job down longer than that.
Going back, I realize that those things were not rewarding for me at all. I convinced myself that it was rewarding only because I wanted to be the acceptable person someone else expected. For me, money is not rewarding. Seeing clients for the same self inflicted problems over and over again is not rewarding. Working in a job that makes me advocate for a system that is inherently against the client while accusing me of not advocating for the client enough – is not rewarding – that’s conflict of interest.
So to make my point, perhaps we are uniquely built and need to find who we really are to discover the thing we will commit to.