May I kindly suggest looking at this free web site out of UC-Berekely?
I’d also gently suggest seeking a DBT therapist (dialectical behavior therapist) as he/she would combine mindfulness with cognitive behavior therapy- the reframing of your thoughts/views.
PLEASE know that YOU are highly valued. You are given this life as a gift for some reason/s. You need to find supports who can help you on your journey to experience a high quality life as intended by a higher power (if you so believe)