Doesn’t sound like your wife is being fair. She is asking you to change the core of how you think because she doesn’t want to change a small part of how she thinks. If you have an official (specialist) diagnosis of ADHD then it is safe to say you have a documented PHYSICAL (chemical to be more precise) reason why this is difficult for you. To change this she is asking you to adjust your meds or just willpower your way to change your thinking patterns enough to change neurotransmitters – which takes YEARS (yes, I am a science geek). For her to say she “can’t” do it but you can is hypocritical.
I didn’t just come up with this. It is part of my decade+ long battle with my teacher wife (who is A SPECIALIST in special needs including ADHD!!). The fact that you are here trying to change is proof that you are working honestly toward helping both of you. Ask her what she is doing to meet you in the middle! For example, she doesn’t need to change her thoughts. She could just “filter” the extra stuff – the stuff that is “thinking out loud”. This way she still has the same process but says less out loud and you can BOTH communicate better. If she is unwilling you should see and counsellor. If she refuses cut your losses. I know I am being harsh but I am in that process myself and have no reservations about it.
Good luck Stephanie.