I know what your going through, because I’ve been there. My ex husband was an abusive alcoholic too. I put up with his shit for WAY too long. He told me I was stupid so often, that I started to believe I was. My self-esteem got worse and worse until I felt totally worthless. He was very emotionally abusive. He started getting a little bit physically abusive, like shoving me, or throwing things at me..nothing too serious at that point, so I pretty much let it go. I was scared of being alone, and I didn’t think he’d keep doing it. Also, for years before he started drinking so heavily he treated me great. He’d tell me things like “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world”, he called me his angel. He used to make me feel so special, and I kept wanting to believe that person was still in there somewhere.
I didn’t get the courage to leave him until one night he beat me for hours. I just couldn’t get away from him. He outweighed me by 100 pounds. I’d never felt so helpless in all my life. I can’t tell you how much that night messed me up mentally. Even though he hurt me so bad physically, the emotional trauma was so much worse. That took a few years to recover from. I actually ended up becoming an alcoholic myself, in a misguided attempt to forget my problems. Obviously that didn’t help, but I also had horrible social anxiety, and was afraid to go to the doctor to get the help I needed.
Please don’t make the same mistake I did. I can almost guarantee it will get worse at some point. You deserve better than someone who thinks it’s okay to put his hands on you. Don’t blame yourself. He’s probably the one that has you thinking that way. You can do so much better, and be so much happier. It took me awhile, but I’m happy again. I’m engaged to an awesome man, I no longer drink too much, and I no longer think I’m stupid.
I wasted almost 17 years of my life on that man (we started dating when I was 15). I regret not having made a change sooner. All those years I could have been so much happier…I just didn’t realize it.