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I am 41. This is a text message to a friend. I’ve tried to edit out any swear words but please forgive if I’ve missed any. It was a very present moment … : “So I stumbled into some information about ADHD and am completely upside down with (a number of words that somewhat but don’t completely fill / define how I’m feeling). I’ve been taking medication for this for several years. How have I not done more research/gained knowledge about something I actively take medication to manage symptoms for? I’m naturally curious about things. I have read countless amounts of literature about subjects that just get filed as useless knowledge in my brain, or put in the “recycle bin” and forgotten. I’m struggling. Half the bullshit that I’ve gone through fits in or was born from a chaotic box called ” ADHD and it’s symptoms”. What? How are/were the dots not connecting? How did I have a box and not put so many things /events/situations/feelings/characteristics in [it]?
I feel physically nauseated. I’m sitting on the the edge of something and it makes me sick to think that so many of the negative things and/or happenings in my life could have been managed…. or possibly identified and stopped before they happened.
(He asked about what my research uncovered here)
“Research (exasperated)My mind is a thousand tornadoes of unfocused focused( yes that’s what I mean) chaos currently. Somebody help me manage. I panicked earlier. Panicked. Threw up. Can’t stop flashing words. Brain wants to stop. That’s just with minor categorizing. Currently procrastinating further the detailed knowledge and what to c”
(At this point I fell asleep. I was exhausted and had nothing left)
I started paying attention to myself. I always running. My mind works like a flash of pictures/photos and words. I forget a lot. I work hard to finish tasks. I start and get distracted my something that has to be done in order to make the first thing work for me… or just get distracted to something else. I can’t remember parts of my childhood. That’s the thing thing that got my mind so twisted in the text. I had noticed or pondered parts of my Childhood and couldn’t recall things. Then I came across a small blurb in something I was reading that said “forget about having memories “… or something similar. It stopped me in my tracks. And twisted my mind about.
I’m doing a little better now but …