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Depression is a very real condition and it’s not your fault — it’s a difference in brain chemistry. I don’t see how you will get yourself out of that whole alone as long as you’re so hard on yourself and are stuck in a pattern of negative thinking. You will likely need therapy or medication, or both.
Here’s more on depression with ADHD:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism