Reply To: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?)

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#76208
Testingtesting
Participant

Hello Ashley!

Thank you for responding on my post, I appreciate it.

Unresponsive friend: This is very interesting, something I´m clearly not getting on
my own, so thank you for learning me. This could actually been the case for me
and this 40 year old friend of mine. She was maybe really uncomfortable (I´m very
calm in my present maybe that turned her nervous? I listen too much more then talking)
It´s also interesting that you saying you have trouble listening to people even
you think it´s interesting. I can relate to this, I´m not a interupter,
but I do often think ahead what the person telling me.If she talks about a date I think
“are they going to meet again or not?” because that´s the most important question
(at least for me) and do I get frustrated when someone takes too long to come to the
conclusion of a story. I tend to forget what it´s all was about if the person talks
too much about every single detail.
I think it sounds great that you are a caring person, because of that people
will forgive you even when you are “zooning out” because they know you be there and
have a warm heart.

I´m sorry that these friends ghost you.
I really hate the ghosting thing, that´s just wrong and heartless. It was really courageously
of you to actually ask about this even though you didn´t got a real honest answer.
The other one, the friend who sound a bit like the friend I have, just disapearing and
return when it´s suitable. I interpret people who do that simply prefer other
people before you (and me), I know I sound harsch but that´s how I feel about it.
Because if this friend would prefer you they would not be unresponsive and never
reach out, I hope Im wrong though. Maybe the “best” answer for this people are that they are simply comfortable
and know you (and me) are people that always reach out first? Maybe because
we don´t like the waiting, be “see what´s happening”? I want to know now, not
about 5 months, maybe you feel the same.

I have a hard time to think you give “not so good first impression”, why you think that?
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Hello again Ani!

Can I ask you why you decide to not go out and meet people as you were telling me?
Im not judging you, I do the very same but I have to ask if there is a reason for it
or simply time just float by.

1. She has not quitting the friendship all together she just vanish long
periods of time and I can´t force her to contact me more often even if I wish
that would happend.

2. I agree, it sounds like we both think people will understand us but
they actually don´t so we have to think about being more specific
(even though I think I´m as clear as I can be). Maybe I suffer
from bad self awareness.

3. I do understand your point about this even if I don´t agree 🙂
A important thing in life is keeping off from dangerous places and people, if a person decide
to live in a dangerous area then this person should at least have some understanding
that all people are not willing to walk there alone. If this person takes this
on a personal level I can´t do anything to change that. You either understand or you don´t.
This former friend were also a risktaker, dating guys who stalking her and were really
dangerous,she were not able to see the warningsigns but I can.
I did suggest places we could go to instead, yes and we decided 3 times to
go to a place. Every single time these date come up, she decided to pull out the same day.

4. A new person that telling me on the first time we meet that I should ask questions
are simply not gonna work out fine. Who are this person to judge what´s right and wrong? she
maybe would think. I´m not seeking people that begin a friendship with monolouges,
lifes too short.

5. I´m sorry about this. I feel like this so called friend using her passive aggressive
behavoir to sound like she was the “normal one” even if she was the one doing the wrong stuff.
The sentence “if you want to end this friendship, that´s on you” sounding manipulating.
If someone blocking a friend then it´s clearly something wrong and if she is also
cancelling plans in the last moment and can´t be honest, she´s a flaky friend and lack
empathy.

6. Hehe, yes, this one is absolutely the hardest one. I will try even if it´s not me
to just say “yea, let´s do that sometime” and just leaving at that.

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AW again:

This is very interesting and I can really relate to the feeling of prying into peoples
buisness (done that many times). I can´t small talk either and I don´t know
for sure what it´s okey to ask and what´s not, often these days I tend to ask
more boring questions then I use to… because I step on other people way too fast.
“are your man cheeting on you now or has he stopped?”, “how are you feeling now since
your mom died, are you okey?”, these are questions I have asked in wrong times,
not knowing. I do understand what you telling me, that this fear of doing
to wrong overstepping making you not want to ask anything.
But I have a strong feeling your not that sort of monolougemonster I am thinking of when
I´m talking about people that not asking anything back.

I can REALLY relate to this thoughts you telling us both, the over thinking,
the fear of being weird, and more, the overly anxious thinking about EVERYTHING,
yes I can totally agree on this. It´s so much easier to just avoid new friend all together,
it´s sad to say it but life is at least for me very easy these days.

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Hello Mr Scott!

Thank you for this helpful list. A supportgroup for people with the same issues
is something I´m really wanting to try and would do this year actually (first time ever).
For me it´s important that people have knowledge and who would better have that
then people that suffer from the same stuff?!
The doctor also often give as a advice on meditating but what kind of meditation
they/you are really meaning? The breath in and breath out thing or what?
I am not good at meditating, pray to God is enough for me even though I also swear alot as well 🙂

Thats interesting what you saying about vibes. I definitly think I send
out negative and sad vibes when I having the worse frustrating days,
Im simply a cranky person that are sensitive about alot.
Even if I understand what you are telling me and also the benefits of
not show all your emotions all the time, I do feel it´s sad to hide your own self
even if it´s beneficial for you. People are what they are, I think the key is to find
people that are not judging you, telling you are “just so negative”
no matter what and not hide or put a lock on the vibes you sending out.
I´ts like telling a creepy person to stop being creepy, the creep just hiding it, but it´s still there.

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Hello Dr.Confucius!

Thank you for your advices as well, these are classics, joining clubs, following interests etc.
They are not new but they are winning concepts, I know.

The list you did about things you learned in the hard way were great to read.
The making too fast assumptions is true, you never know, I do agree with you.
Sorry I didnt get the part of to-give-it-a-lot-of-time. Did you mean that you
were out there alot and met big crowds of people and after a long time you had the really
good ones left? This means you have to have alot of energy to meet so much people,
I was that before, but I don´t have that energy to go through people anymore.
Im not sure if this what you meant though?
Plan ahead – Im the big planner, so this is not refering to me at all but I do agree with you, people
tend to ask in the last minute when you need days or even months ahead.

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Hello Dinamspice!

I would love to know the other comorbidities you have, this because I´m like you not just having ADD.
I agree totally what you are saying, being comfortable with just living alone with hyperfocus because
of sensory issues, sights, smells, noise and also friendships questions that never ends drain me also.
As I were saying before, the life without friends are so much
easier then having them even if I know it sound so sad and lonely.

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Hello Andysomos!

I can only agree with your words. The make your own way is the only way to go,
it´s may not be simply but its easier then pretend.

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Hello Danderlauren!

I did that in lessons too, tapping my pen or moving my legs or just sighing loud.
The communicationpart is the hardest one, that takes time to learn and I wonder
if someone with communicationsissues actually got really good at it after a while?
That I would like to hear.

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Hello Sunshinegable!

That sound like a very supportive friend you got there. Be happy for that,
I think they are very rare to find and that you deserved to find someone like this.

Thank you for your advice about stop and think before speaking, it´s hard
because I always think the other person would see me as “slow” if I´m not
talking fast and giving superfast respond. Maybe it´s something from my childhood,
people calling my slow thinker, I dont know.
Thank you for your kind words, I hope to find a great friend some day,
even if Im burned down.

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Hello Jerhong!

Thank you! I also think it´s normal to avoid bad areas even if a friend lives there.
And yes, being blunt is ADD, I do agree on that and know that as well,
it´s the part of knowing when Im blunt and not that are a bigger problem for me 🙂

You are absolutely right about this worring too much for other people-stuff,
it´s easier to focus on other people I think rather on myself.

I will do the Dark Triad test and see what it´s saying, thanks for that link.

I dont agree with that not texting back just meaning people are busy,
I know for a fact people that are less busy then me, choosing to not text back.
It´s a choice, I know people texting in the most unlikey places, that friend
I refer to are NOT that busy.

I have gone alot of years out of my bubble to create relationships,
all of them failed in different ways, but I have tried for sure.

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Hello Jennyobrien!

Thank you for your wise words about the friendship-tree. I do feel it´s very true.
The “for you”-friends are rare to find, very, very rare but it´s wonderful for those
people that have found those ones.

Yes, I do agree the narcissist-kind of thinking, thats a bit like I was feeling as well,
the balance is something I´m really lookinf for today and I will not give in like
I was doing before.

Yes, a moment of connection are good, I tend to talk a bit with people in shops, hairdresser
or whatever, the small moments are important too.

This also is true, the joining groups and stay later-thing. I have a trouble with
staying, I can happily turn my phone down, no problem, but I will leave after
the meeting is over. This often because my energy are low and I can´t think anymore,
often socialising with many people drain everything out of me, that´s
why I avoid groups all together.