Reply To: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice

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#76156
AnneHW
Participant

I give up! WHY do women in particular keep trying to fix their partners? Or, at the very least, why do they keep putting up with bad behavior and make excuses? Is being in a relationship so important, that the only goal is to have one no matter how poorly the other person is treating you?

I truly appreciate the people who post, and are trying to learn more about ADHD. I also appreciate the people who post to say they are learning (aren’t we all). But when I read that a woman is in a relationship with a man who is basically treating her like crap, and she is bending over backwards to make him happy, I want to scream. Unfortunately, I think there is another problem that doesn’t get mentioned enough, and that’s “codependency.”

It’s funny how this thread keeps going, and very weird that I just got done telling a friend who was complaining about her husband AGAIN to get a f***ing backbone. I’ve been there, so I know how it works, but at some point you have to realize that the only one you are responsible for is YOU! Have you ever noticed that no one posts talking about how they finally found the solution to making the man who is being a complete jerk into a kind, loving and thoughtful person? IF he decided to get therapy or stop abusing drugs, alcohol, etc., it’s not going to be because his partner talked him into it, unless it was where he was headed in the first place.

My girlfriend has been telling me things about her husband for years now, and over time she’s revealed more, which actually makes me wonder how much I still don’t know. He is moody and manipulative, and when he’s not getting his way he either yells louder or stops talking all together. Must be fun. The most recent thing she’s related is that he starts drinking beer when he gets up in the morning, and also smokes pot. I’m guessing she told me this when she was particularly upset with him. But, eventually things calmed down (they always do) and as she put it, “he’s still a keeper.” But, that’s codependency for you. They’ve been married for over 25 years, and he can be very nice. However, this sort of thing has been going on from the beginning. And, she finally admitted that she will continue to put up with it, and my response is that I don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I realize I’m ranting, and I also realize that none of what I say is going to make any difference. I think there’s another post somewhere asking, “Should I leave him?” Then she goes on to talk about all the ways he’s making her unhappy. Of course, the minute someone tries to “help” her, she defends his behavior. I’m not sure why she posted except in the hopes of hearing what she wants, “No! Stay with him; he can’t help it, and you can save him!”