Reply To: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?)

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Hello again Mariade, and hi Ashley-

(replying to Mariade first)
Thanks for YOUR response. It’s always helpful to see things in a different way.

Yes, I’m from Sweden. It was a rather impulsive decision to move abroad, actually…
you know one of those ideas you have when you don’t think about the consequences whatsoever,
because you can only see the excitement in it until it’s too late? But I guess you’re right that friendships take time,
it’s just that I’m never out actually meeting people which adds to my problem.
Aw thanks, you know, I wouldn’t mind having you as a friend, but I heard you’re not recruiting anymore…
If you do happen to change your mind however, then yes! (Please)

1. That’s true, but if you come to her talking as not a friend but as a stranger,
she might talk to you differently. She could be stalling for time because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings,
but tell her you don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering what happened.
I’m not sure but all I know is that it’s going to continue hurting you until you understand or get some sort of closure.

2. Exactly! I do that too! Like sometimes I get asked if I’m being serious,
and I feel taken aback like… of course not. So maybe we’re not as obvious as we think we are?
People really don’t understand our train of thoughts? It’s just funny how you sometimes assume they do anyway…

3. Hmm… This goes back to 2. because people don’t understand the way you think.
We are quick to judge, get upset then ‘break things off’. So try to think about it in a different way.
I, for instance, have no sense of danger at all, and don’t understand the concept of a scary neighborhood.
Sure there’s criminal activity, but it won’t happen to me.
I’ve definitely ended up in trouble cause of that mindset, but that’s a different story.
Anyway, so if I have this friend who’s telling me she doesn’t want to come visit me, that’s all I can hear.
Because deep in my heart I feel that people should be able to think of things from my point of view.
I think ‘sure, it’s scary’ and want to throw in an eyeroll in there.
So I would probably feel that you just don’t want to see me and that it’s a bad excuse.
She doesn’t feel the same way as you unfortunately… Did you ask for a ride? Did you suggest a place you could meet at instead
or ask if she might have been able to come pick you up? Like we both agreed on before, these things aren’t obvious to other people.
She might have just felt hurt herself.

4. What if that 45 year old woman were you? You don’t know why your friend stopped contacting you.
What if they did it because you don’t ask questions, and you never realized?
Now I doubt that it actually is the case, but wouldn’t you want someone to help you understand?

5. That’s true and I agree with you, it’s really difficult to tell someone if you feel they’re being mean.
A part of you tells you that you’re overreacting and what not. If I told a former friend she was mean? Let’s see…
Yes, there was this one friend I had up until maybe 10 years ago. I found out she was blocking me on MSN when I thought we were close.
She had also cancelled our plans several times the last minute when she lived 5 hours away from me.
I sent her a long message on Facebook telling her that she needs to give back for our friendship to work.
That she was hurting my feelings.
Her reply wasn’t the best – she said something like ‘no, if you want to end this friendship that’s on YOU.’
That was it, nothing about her behavior.
Although I know it didn’t end the best way it could have, all you can do is your part, and then if your friend doesn’t do it, that’s it.
At least you have closure. In a way I’m glad it ended since she didn’t care in the first place.

6. Haha, alright, I will try to do the same. To stick with the ‘sure’ and not with the ‘when’. Good luck to us.

Ashley, hi and welcome. I don’t think you’re a terrible writer and it’s a good thing you decided to reply.

I’m basically more or less like you in social situations I’d say, but I have tried to get better at it.
The whole interrupting thing? Yep. It’s like we have to say it before we forget it – but some people will find it insulting instead.
Just try to always keep in mind how much you talk, and if you want to interrupt, ask yourself ‘how important is this, really?’
I know it’s no cakewalk. All we can do is try. Not to mention all the things we get distracted by during those conversations…
Like when you’re trying to listen to your friend but your thoughts are too loud. And the oversharing, I always hated myself for it!
People want to take their time and slowly get to know others,
so they’re surprised when they find out everything about a person the first day they meet them. Maybe.

I’m so sorry, you reached out for your friend after 5 months and got a pointless reply.
Did she seem surprised that you even asked, like she thought everything was okay? Surely she must have realized what she was doing?

I do feel like you should reach out to your other friend as well, like you were thinking of, and hope for the best.
Not for their sake but for your own. If they really don’t want to talk to you, then that’s their loss and just a waste of your time and emotions.
But at least you would know and get some closure. That’s the worst case…
but it could also be because of a good reason that doesn’t have to do with you.
It would stop you from worrying and feeling bad about it, don’t you think?
That’s too bad. I can already tell from your forum post you seem like a nice person, just like Mariade.
I would say you made a good impression here so I think you’re underestimating yourself.
Either that or people don’t appreciate you the way they should.
Anyway if you’re interested in another friend… I feel like us 3 understand each other so well, haha!