Reply To: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?)

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#75776
Ani
Participant

Hello Mariade,
I think a lot of people with ADD can relate to your story. I’ve read both posts and comments talking about how bad they
are at getting/keeping friends, and I happen to have experience in this area as well.
We get upset, we slip up, we say exactly what we’re thinking when we don’t mean to.
We forget things, we talk too much, we talk too little. We get distracted.
I’m sure it isn’t only you. But it is hard sometimes when we’re expected to understand the subtleties of social life.
Let me try and interpret some of these things…

1. Unresponsive friend
They might be busy, they might think they’ll reply later and then forget.
They might ignore it because they feel like there’s nothing to reply to.
Or what you’re scared of… they’re avoiding you. Since she never replied to you ever again, there might
have been something that she was hesitant to talk to you about,
some people just avoid arguments and don’t talk at all if they want to end a relationship (which is not OK but it happens).
If it’s been some time and it’s really bothering you, you could try and just text her something like
‘Honestly, can you tell me why you stopped being my friend, so I don’t do it again? I won’t judge, I want to learn’
and no matter what she replies, don’t argue or defend yourself even if it’s upsetting. Just thank her for telling you.

2. Swearing/complaining
This is something I have a problem with as well, not so much swearing but complaining. I mean frankly, we know how boring
it can be when other people complain, but we do it ourselves at least just as much. I try to tone it down as much as I can,
but usually I end up saying it before I’ve thought about it. Just imagine this constant buzzing in your head while you’re
complaining or something, haha! I try to apologize if I realize I’ve overdone it, that could make your friends understand better.
Also if you try to make jokes about something that kind of bothers you, it doesn’t always come out as a joke… Something I’ve
begrudgingly realized myself.

3. Being inflexible
Sometimes we’re too quick in turning people down, I think. What if the situation was reversed? What if that friend told you
she never wanted to come to your place because she’s uncomfortable? She might have been kind of hurt the way you put it to her.
In that situation I feel like you should have given a place and asked her if she could meet you up somewhere else.
She might have interpreted it as if you didn’t want to see her at all, and that it was just a bad excuse.

Just one thing I think is that we’re very quick to react in the moment. So if you feel angry, don’t let yourself break your
friendship off, at least not until you’ve calmed down and thought about it thoroughly. They’re just human like you. We’re by
no means perfect and we can’t get people to think exactly like us.

4. No questions asked
It really is difficult if they’re not asking questions and just talking, but was she even aware that she was doing it?
Did you try to talk to her about it? Although sometimes you just don’t get along with people…

5. Childhood friend
Oh, those never stay the same. She didn’t contact you, but you didn’t contact her either. If you ever talk again,
if you feel like it’s worth it, try to talk about how she speaks towards you.

6. Stressing friends out
Truth is… We are impulsive so when we make plans we want to do them ASAP. Which might come across as a bit clingy.
Some people just talk about doing things like, ‘oh we should go to this place sometime’ < they don’t mean that, when they say sometime.
They don’t mean now.
They have this imaginary plan made up in their mind they don’t want to turn into reality. I don’t know why, but they do.
So try to not seem overexcited and just say something like ‘sure, let’s go’ and leave it at that. I don’t know.

I really wish you don’t give up in getting friends. Even though it might feel right at the moment, it can be a very lonely thing.

As for me, I’m terrible at keeping friends myself. I don’t keep in touch, even though I care, not even with my family.
The few times I do I can say the most random things.
I moved from Sweden to the US about 2 years ago and I haven’t made a single friend here, I do have 1 online friend that I talk to
sometimes.. But my social life is pretty sad haha.

Anyway, best of luck to you, and lots of love. Hope you can find some friends who like you for you.
Don’t give up.
Ani