Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy lives to reply and try to help me. I am doing art on the side. I don’t have much time because of my 9-5 job. I would stay up until 3 with my art and then wake up at 7 to leave for work. I always have thousands of thoughts and images going through my mind. It’s very comforting when I can finally put it down by drawing or poetry. When I write poetry, I don’t have to follow logic and I can be free to write in my style and connect unrelated things together to make meaning. If it’s ok, I would like to share one of my poems here.
I started carrying my ipad with me to work so I can spend my lunch time drawing. I don’t have any friends. I cannot carry on conversations with people and I easily get bored. I am very bad with faking interest and people will quickly know I am bored. I feel guilty and selfish for being bored. But whenever I go to an ADHD or dyslexia support group, I find myself being able to focused. Dyslexia makes it hard to speak with people. Words doesn’t come out of my mouth quickly and my sentences are grammatically wrong. I have the pictures but I have to convert it to words and that’s slow when talking in real time. People would think I’m stupid. On some days, when I read or write, the words become animated or fading and it can take me 30 minutes to write a simple email in the office. I re-read things multiple times before I understand it. I want to use voice dictation apps but I worry that more people will know I have dyslexia. I feel embarrassed at myself. I’m the only person who cannot sit still at meetings and everyone is so adult like and disciplined. Some coworkers already tease me and copied my behavior (I look around a lot when I cannot concentrate) thinking it’s a joke. When I could not spell a simple word, they burst out laughing at me. It hurts a lot. This is how my brain functions but I’m not a bad or stupid person. I could not defend myself and end up crying at home. People are only nice to me when they need help solving a problem. I’m so sensitive. Even going on the subways is a struggle because of too much sounds, movements, lights, etc.
Does anyone else take Adderall? I try to decrease the dosage because I want to be myself. As for the dyslexia, I don’t think there’s much I can do now since I’m an adult. I will not be able to afford the special training.