Reply To: Difficult because no background

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Difficult because no background Reply To: Difficult because no background


Hi akrajsa,

I sincerely hope this doesn’t come off as rude but it feels like your post starts in the middle of a conversation. You say your husband has been taking meds for ADHD since childhood but then you feel that he was not being truthful. Did he lie about having ADHD? How was he untruthful?

Then you say, “I’ve been hurt by cycles that seem to happen. I question is this because of ADHD? Why is this happening? I am hurt because of words said and buttons being pushed to their furthest.” Have you tried to figure out these cycles? Is it when he’s annoyed? Overwhelmed? Sleep-deprived? Depressed? Is there a trigger? Without knowing more, it’s impossible to know if this is ADHD &/or something more like bipolar or some other mood or mental disorder. As a person with ADD myself, I’m pretty even-tempered. I personally don’t go through “cycles” of irritability, being mean, etc… but I don’t know if that is common for other people with ADHD. The fact that you mention these cycles makes me think there could be something else going on (along with the ADHD) that maybe HE doesn’t even know about. (If he doesn’t know, then you can’t blame him or his family for being untruthful.) Maybe he needs to be re-evaluated. More importantly, is he abusing you? Do you want to stay with someone who hurts you regardless of his condition(s)? You might need to start asking yourself a new set of questions.

“I am hurt because of not the whole truth being told.” How do you know the whole truth isn’t being told? Because you’re not getting satisfactory answers? Do you think his parents are lying? It’s quite possible that they never saw the side of him that you have seen. Maybe they’re tired of the questions & tired of talking about it…

“I have been trying to under ADHD more and it’s hard for me to wrap my head around.” Join the club! I think even those of us with ADD/ADHD are still trying to wrap our heads around it. 🙂

“but wish I understood how my husband was. Wishing my in-laws would talk to me about it and let me know if anyone else in their family has it.” What would this solve? There are probably others who have it since it tends to run in families, but are you going to start interrogating them, too? That’s going to get old fast. I think you’re asking questions that you’re not going to get nice tidy answers to that will tie up all your loose ends. The last thing he’ll want to hear is suggestions from a 3rd party on how to “fix” what’s wrong with him. He probably won’t appreciate your talking to others about him.

“did his mom elimate certain foods growing up?” “did he have certain traits of someone with ADHD growing up?” Since he was put on meds, he must have had traits but why does it matter what he was like when he was a kid? Focus on who & how he is NOW as an adult. You need to talk to him, not his mom & not to other family members that he may not even have a close relationship with. HE knows or has to figure out what works for him as a GROWN man. As you can tell, this is a touchy topic for him. I think you need to find the right time & the right way to talk to him about this & back off once he starts getting irritated. Don’t force the conversation & force him to continue when he gets frustrated otherwise it will blow up in your face. I know women (myself included) have a knack for wanting to have a deep conversation with our men at rather inopportune times. Mars vs Venus stuff.

How have things been in general for the last 7 years? Are you saying that he just NOW started behaving this way? And, the Honeymoon Stage is typically over after about 2 years so it seems like you made it well past that point. Congrats!

Lastly, you haven’t specifically stated whether his meds are working to help him function as a “normal” adult which is usually the issue that most of us deal with. If they don’t work, then maybe he needs new meds or an adjustment. If this is a problem with his overall personality or some other disorder, ADHD may be being blamed unfairly.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by MadBadADD.